She’d hate me.
Which is why I can’t tell her.
As much as I want to tell her to stop believing her own lies, it would kill her to know the truth, so she’s much better off living in ignorance. I just don’t think she’ll let me keep her there. She keeps hammering on it, and I worry that it might spill out of me one day.
And when that day comes … she’ll run away from me.
I can’t let that happen.
Not now … now that she’s kissed me.
I admit, I thought the fucking part was what made me most excited, but it’s not.
I could put my dick in any chick if I put a bag over her head, and she’d enjoy it, as long as she didn’t look at me. But not Alexis … she actually wants to look at me. Straight at my fucking face while she sucks me off. She intentionally kissed me, of her own free will.
It means I don’t scare her.
And that both excites and wrecks me at the same time.
No one has ever looked at me like that, not since … since …
In the crystal, I see my own reflection; only a tiny bit is visible, but it’s enough to remind me of who I am now. Who I’ve become since.
A monster.
A lonely bastard who will do anything to be left alone in peace.
But I’m no longer alone with Winston in this house, and no longer in peace.
I’m pissed off because I made the decision to keep her, but at the same time, it’s what I wanted the most. Someone other than Winston to talk to. Someone who could understand me. Someone who would be able to look at me without disgust.
Alexis.
She hits all the marks.
And it scares the living shit out of me.
I sigh and continue cutting away at the crystal, hoping that I haven’t scared her. After my outburst, I don’t expect her to like me anymore, but I had to do something with that pent-up rage. I never thought I could still be so angry after finally having fucked. Guess I was wrong.
Fucking isn’t the answer to my problems, even though it provided a good distraction.
Besides, I want more than just fucking … but I can’t ask that of her.
Can’t expect her ever to want more than my fucking cock.
Can I live with that? Probably. I’ll take whatever I can get.
Still, with her in my home, my problems will only get worse.
Someone knocks on my door, and I’m ripped from my thoughts.
“What do you want?”
“It’s Winston. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Leave me alone,” I growl.
“Sorry, can’t do that.” He opens the door, ignoring my request. “You have a history of … breaking things when you’re angry.”
“Your point?” I turn around, annoyed.
“I’m the one cleaning up after you,” he says, cocking his head.
I make a face at him. “Fine.”
He’s holding a cup in his hand, which he places on my desk. “Drink this. It’ll make your wounds heal faster.”
“Pft. Don’t need that.” I shove it away.
He shoves it back closer. “Drink.”
I raise a brow at him, but then I grab the cup and sip it. It’s actually pretty good, but telling him now would only mean admitting defeat, and that’s not my style. But I’m grateful Winston’s here to force me to take care of myself. Someone has to do it.
“Thanks,” I say without looking at him.
“You’re welcome.” From the corner of my eye, I can see him smile.
There’s something about his smile, or maybe this drink, that spurs me to open my mouth.
“Winston. I want you to do something for me.”
It’s out.
I’ve thrown the dice.
Pushed the dominos.
I can’t sit by silently any longer.
“Depends. I’m no murderer, so if you want her dead, you’ll have to do it yourself.”
“What? No.” I muffle a laugh. “Why’d you think that?”
“You were so angry with her; I thought you’d already done it.”
“No … I’d never kill her.” Somehow, those words mean a lot when I say them, even though it’s fucked up.
“Good.” He smiles, making me feel awkward. “Well, then I’m all ears.”
I shake my head and take another sip.
I’ve made up my mind.
This is it.
“Call him. Tell him I’m no longer working for him.”
Winston’s eyes widen. “Are you … You’re not kidding.”
I pick up the cup and sway it back and forth in my hand. “Call him.”
“This could mean your death.”
“I’m aware.” I stare ahead at the wall in front of me, realizing I’m probably signing my own death certificate, but screw it. I’m not participating in their evil schemes anymore.