“My tour starts right after the New Year.”
“So where are you headed?”
I lowered my eyes to avoid his. “There’s no easy way to say this, and you might not even care, but I’m moving back to New York.”
I kept my eyes down, but I could see him cross his arms and lean against the doorframe from my peripheral vision. “I see.”
We were both quiet for a long pause.
“I realize it’s sudden.” I gazed up into his eyes. “But I hope this doesn’t mean that we can’t still get to know each other better.”
“And how are we supposed to do that?”
I shrugged. “I’ll be honest. I don’t think that I’ll be coming back here. Atlanta isn’t for me.”
“Why isn’t Atlanta for you?”
I didn’t have any response that would make sense and, for the first time, a lie didn’t formulate in my head at the speed of lightning.
He sighed. “Well, I guess it just is what it is. If you feel you need to go, then there’s nothing I can do to stop you. I’m not sure how often I can travel, with Dad being sick and all. I definitely can’t do it much.”
“What if I could get someone to be here full-time, so you can come see me?”
I was sure that I had a pitiful look in my eyes by that point.
“It’s not only about having someone else here. I have someone here most of the time. You know that. It’s about leaving my father. My worst nightmare is his needing me and my not being here for him.”
As soon as Jonovan said that, I completely understood. I used to avoid spending a single night away from Grandma when she was sick. That was the other thing that I had ended up discussing with Marcella once we got back to my house. I had carried the guilt of leaving Grandma after being raped for my entire life. Writing her letters with no return addresses was not enough, and an excuse to avoid telling her the truth. I’d often wondered what she would have done if she had known. That was a question that would forever go unanswered, like so many others. I wished that I could’ve asked her if my mother was also my sister. Being truthful to myself, I had always believed Momma. I believed that my uncle had also raped his own sister and impregnated her with my mother. She really had no reason to make any of that up, and I was sure that it had been grounded in some kind of fact.
“I understand,” I said. “Well, then I guess I’ll see you soon.” I remembered what Momma had said about saying good-bye.
I was about to leave when Jonovan grabbed my arm. “I want you to know that your past is safe with me. I’ll never tell a soul.”
“I know,” I said, turning to face him. “You’ve kept your promise since our interview. I appreciate that.”
He gazed deep into my eyes. “That’s not the past I’m referring to. I had always hoped you’d come back one day. I was so worried about you.”
I gasped. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I should really get going. I’ll call you.”
Jonovan grabbed my hand and held it tight. “I don’t blame you for trying to get them back. At first, I wasn’t sure, but there were way too many coincidences. Way too many negative things falling upon people right after you came here.”
I didn’t deny anything, but I didn’t admit to anything, either.
“I’m totally confused,” I replied. “You’re talking foolish.”
“If you say so.” He let my hand go. “Like I said, I’m glad you came back, even if you’re about to run again. But please don’t run from me. At least keep in touch and let me know that you’re alive. Before . . . it was so hard. The not knowing.”
I wondered how long it had been since he’d figured it out. So he was playing a game of deception with me while I was playing a game of deception with him. What a fucked-up relationship!
“We don’t ever have to discuss it, Caprice. I only wanted you to know that I’m aware; I don’t care. Well, I take that back. I do care; I always have. But nothing you’ve been through makes you any less of a woman to me. In fact, it makes you more of one.”
A tear fell on my right cheek and I wrote it away quickly. “Please don’t say that name again.”
“I won’t, if you so wish. But I need to tell you one other thing. I love you, Wicket . . . Ladonna . . . or whomever you choose to be tomorrow. I love you and I want to make this work. Please don’t leave me.”
“There’s too much pain here.”
“And an incredible amount of love.”
“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me,” I whispered. “Bad things.”