Ian leaned against the wall, looking as drained as she felt. Choosing his words carefully, he said, "Everyone has the capacity to be violent in the right—or wrong—circumstances. That doesn't mean you're incapable of a normal married life. Though you are your parents' child, you are also yourself. At sixteen, passion burns like wildfire in almost everyone—it's part of being young. I did things at that age that I'd rather not think about, and would certainly never do again. You can't predict the rest of your life based on how you behaved then."
"Perhaps, with another man for whom I had milder feelings, it would be possible," she said bleakly. "But not with you, Ian, for I care too much. And you aren't an entirely safe person, either. Remember how furious you were when you thought I was too flirtatious at the ball? The night ended in farce, but it could as easily have been tragedy."
"I'll admit that the thought of wringing your neck has crossed my mind more than once. A woman like you could unbalance a stone saint," he said with a trace of acid humor. "But that's exasperation, which is a long way from real violence. Though I acted like an idiot in Cambay, I didn't hurt you. I don't think I could, no matter what you did."
"Perhaps you couldn't. Unfortunately, I'm not at all sure that I would never hurt you, or myself. I fear that the two of us together would create a folie à deux, a mutual madness that would destroy us both, as happened to my parents." Her voice broke. "I can't allow that. I can't."
He rubbed his temple, his face gray. "Never having seen my father's brains sprayed across the wall, I'm not in a position to refute that. Very well, so be it. At least now I understand your reasons."
"I'm sorry, Ian," she said wretchedly. "You don't deserve to suffer because of my weaknesses."
"We are what we are, Laura. Don't apologize. I was the one who changed the rules of our marriage by recovering." He smiled humorlessly. "I was overjoyed when I realized I wasn't permanently incapacitated. I thought that any other differences could be solved and that very soon we would have a real marriage. But I was wrong. It would have been far better if I had remained as I was.
"As for whether or not I deserve to suffer..." His expression closed. "If my stern Calvinist ancestors are right, this is just punishment for my sins. To have remained a eunuch would have been too easy."
Laura bit her lip. "Perhaps, when I have had time to become more accustomed to the idea, I will be able to accept your having a mistress." The mere thought caused stabs of pain and fury, but she continued doggedly, "Other women learn to live with such arrangements, so I should be able to also. Particularly if I don't know the details."
"I don't see adultery as the answer," he said dryly. "There are worse things than celibacy, Larishka. Falkirk is a spacious place and we should be able to rub along tolerably well. But you'll have to do your part. I can, barely, manage to control my own appetites, but it's too damned much to expect me to control yours as well. While I acquit you of deliberate teasing, your vacillation is making it very difficult for me." His face became harsh. "Not difficult—impossible."
"I think that part of me did want to be overpowered so that I wouldn't be responsible for what happened. Now that I've faced that, I'll do better in the future." She hesitated, then said painfully, "I love you, Ian. That makes it hard to be moderate."
She hoped that he would be gratified by her declaration, perhaps even say that he loved her. Instead his face became even more remote. "If you love me, you will learn to control yourself. Otherwise we will be unable to live together."
He pushed himself away from the wall. "Rajiv Singh has asked me to go with him tomorrow on a tour of his defenses. By the time I return, we should both have cooled to a manageable level."
As Laura studied her husband, she saw that there was a new kind of blackness in him—not the hopelessness that she had felt when they first met, but a grim determination that separated them as effectively as a granite wall. If this was what was necessary for them to survive together, the solution might be as painful as the problem.
She drew a shaky breath. She must hope that in time they would recapture the relaxed friendship that had grown between them. "I'll work on my discipline while you're gone."
"Excellent idea." He turned to go into his own bedroom, then paused on the threshold of the connecting door. "I know the possibility is remote, but is there any chance that you might have conceived that night at Habibur's?"
With all her heart, she wished she could say yes, but she couldn't. "No," she said sadly. "I didn't."