After quickly tucking the book and journal under the seat, I push myself up, and one of Holden’s arms slips around my waist as he pulls the door handle with his other hand.
“I can walk,” I say, but he’s already lifting me into his arms.
He bounces out of the truck and carries me a couple steps before setting me down on the grassy roadside. I slump to the ground, and he leans over, sweeping my hair from my shoulders and holding it against my back. Before I can protest, I bend at the waist, and the contents of this morning’s breakfast expel from my stomach with a harsh wretch. “Please don’t watch,” I get out before another wave hits.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” he says. “Did you eat something bad?”
I shake my head, swallowing past the gag. “I don’t know.” But I do know. And I’m not sure I can ever look at him the same way again.
After the last of my stomach is on the ground, I sit back on my knees. Holden brushes my hair against my back and then stands.
“I’ll get you some water.”
I rub my hands over my face, into the sockets of my eyes, wishing I could erase the images Tyler’s words put there. And when I open my eyes, Tyler’s standing across the ditch, a knowing look on his face. His brow furrows and his eyes pale. I shake my head, over and over. “I’m sorry.”
I don’t know whether he’s angry that I read his journal, or that I dragged his brother along on this trip. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. It doesn’t change how I feel about him, only pangs my heart with so much regret.
In a blink, he’s kneeling beside me. “I never wanted you to know. To look at me like—” He turns his head away, his jaw locked hard.
Without thought, I reach out, trying to touch him. Dammit! “Tyler, I love you. I could never think anything bad about you.”
“I’m not weak,” he grits out.
“You’re the strongest person I know. What he did? When you were just a kid? He’s the weak one. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.” I lay my hand atop my thigh, gripping my legs because I can’t touch him.
Finally, his eyes meet mine, and the brown of his irises is so clear. I can see the woods through them, and I just miss the deepness of what I used to look into. “It’s right that you know. I should’ve told you before.”
“I wish you had,” I whisper.
A sad smile mars his face. “Just know . . . I love you.” He looks down at the ground. “I’m tired, Sam.”
Footsteps sound from behind me, Holden’s boots crunching the gravel. Tyler begins to fade, and it’s like a knife to my heart.
“Sam?” Holden hands me the water bottle from over my shoulder.
“Thank you.” With a steadying breath, I push to my feet, my gaze still cast on the emptiness Tyler’s presence left behind.
Once we’re back on the road, I can’t stomach the thought of reading anymore of Tyler’s memories. I know there’s something in there that’s going to test me, and I’m scared to find out what.
Pulling both feet onto the seat, I hug my legs to my rocky stomach. “How far away are we?”
Holden glances at the time. “About an hour.”
“Really?”
He chuckles. “I drive fast.”
It’s only been three and a half hours. “No shit.”
“You feeling better?”
I nod. “I think it’s just been a while since I’ve been in a car, for like, more than ten minutes. I can’t remember the last time I was on a road trip. Probably carsick.”
He turns down the volume on the stereo even further. “Rachel mentioned that you don’t drive anymore.”
Of course she did. Along with telling Mr. Marks (who I don’t think I can ever be around again—not without taking a bat to his head) every detail of my medical history, my mother’s also been talking to Holden. She doesn’t know what happened between us. Just thinks he’s a friend, my boyfriend’s brother, and our neighbor. I wish she didn’t gossip so much. But I guess it’s just part of living on the island. People can’t help themselves.
And that’s why Tyler had to be so secretive. I can’t imagine how scared he was as a boy. Terrified of what his father would do to him if anyone ever found out.
I run my palms over my thighs, my hands shaky. “I’ve been having panic attacks.”
He nods like he gets it, and I wonder if he does. After all what his father did to him and put him through, I can’t imagine what he’s suffered. What he still must be suffering. The long-term effects of abuse.
Tyler wrote that Holden, being the older sibling, always tried to divert their father’s attention, always tried to take the blows for his brother. So he got the worst of it for a long time. Now all of Holden’s issues in school—the fighting, failing a grade, the vandalism, the drugs—make sense. He needed an outlet for his rage.