Her Guardians Lost(26)

“Stephen…,” I whispered into the empty room. “Stephen, I need you.” The tears rolled down my face as the desperation set in. “How am I going to live without you? Why does you going home fill me with such dread and anxiety? I feel selfish wanting you here. I always thought it was Michael because I met him first. He clouded my judgment so much, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. It was never Michael. It was you. It was always you.”

I could feel the hysteria starting. “Why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel a part of me is missing? Why can’t I let you go?”

I had been trying. I really had. Today just seemed to open the floodgates to my misery. I had been trying to put on a brave face. I had been trying so hard to keep together my shattered heart so it wouldn’t break into a million pieces. How wrong was I to believe I could keep it together? It was shattered—it was broken. I was never going to see my one true love again, and I knew I would never to be able to mend. I knew my life would never be the same again.

That’s because you were a match made in heaven, a little voice whispered in my head. It was like it was and wasn’t my voice. It kind of scared me. It never happened before so why am I hearing voices now? Why is it that since I got shot, my mind seems to scramble with these memories and sounds in my head?

“I love you, Stephen. I always have. I was too dumb and stupid to see what was right in front of me. Can you possibly forgive me? Can you ever see it in your heart to grant me this one wish? I need you, Stephen. I need to know you can hear me. I need to feel your touch, hear your words. Please, Stephen. I need this from you.”

My quiet sobs filled the air as I dipped my head, mourning the one I loved—the one I had lost forever.

Suddenly I felt it. The hairs on my arms rising. The tingling sensation I remember Stephen telling me about.

A small gasp left my lips and I frantically searched the room. I didn’t know if he would suddenly appear to me as a mirage, or whether this feeling would be the only thing he could give me. All I knew was I didn’t want it to end.

“Stephen?” I whispered, only to have the feeling intensify. “You’re actually here?” Unable to hide my joy, I suddenly laughed through my tears.

“I can suddenly feel the air in my lungs. I feel like I can finally breathe. I haven’t been able to do that since you left.” That was true. I had lost my lifeline, but I could feel him again. I could sense he was here with me, and nothing could compare to that feeling. I had felt so lost, I thought I would never be able to feel again. Just this one sensation filled me with not only love, but hope. Hope I thought would never come.

“I feel so bad, Stephen. I feel so selfish wanting you here when I know you are where you belong, where you’ve always wanted to be. I can accept that. I can have peace in the knowledge that you are happy now. I know you are with your family, who must have missed you, but it hurts, Stephen. I feel like I’ve been ripped apart at the seams. I don’t feel whole. You’re my whole. You always have been.”

My tears quickly subsided as the calm flowed through my body. I felt cocooned, filled with the most absolute love. I felt cherished, adored, protected, and fulfilled.

Laying my head on the sofa, I let the feeling wash over me. Let it encase me with its protective warmth. It was love. I could feel it. This intense invisibility clouding around me felt like no other. It filled me with such joy, my broken heart swelled with its tenderness.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew this feeling wouldn’t last forever. I knew I couldn’t keep Stephen here with me. But I was grateful he had come and momentarily helped heal my broken soul. The one that belonged to him now. The one that had always belonged to him.

“Thank you,” I said with a smile. “Thank you so much for giving me this precious gift. I will treasure it always.” Gently trailing my hands across the music box, I knew he understood what he gave to me far outweighed any present I could ever receive. Stephen was my present. Stephen was all my presents wrapped into one.

“If you can, please come in my dreams tonight. I want to see your face again. To touch it, caress it like I used to. I want to be in your arms, if only for a moment. I love you so much.”

I sat there as I felt the tingles form again. It was like no other feeling in this world. I could feel my heart react as it pulsed and pushed against my chest. Desire sparked and love blossomed within me as the feeling swept over me with such intensity, it made me gasp. God, I never wanted it to end.

But just as I had that feeling, it left. Suddenly, I knew he was gone and it left a huge hole in my heart. I hung my head and sighed. I had asked for him and he came. He swept me off my feet for the briefest of moments, and I will treasure it for the rest of my life. Even though he wasn’t here in body, he was with me in spirit. I could feel his love for me and I knew he could feel mine. For that one moment, I felt whole again. I knew Stephen was always going to be the only one who could give that to me. He was, and always will be, my everything.