Witch Born(63)

“But you were the Commander.”

Reden’s warm eyes studied her. “I wasn’t always, Senna. Once, I was a lot like you.”

***

It was the middle of the night when the cabin door creaked open. Senna’s breath caught in her throat, but she couldn’t see anything through the darkness clinging to her like pitch. Above the rhythmic sounds of the ship, she heard nothing. She considered reaching over and waking Mistin, but that might alert the intruder that she was aware of his presence.

She reached for the dagger she kept in her seed belt beside the bed.

“Senna, it’s just me.”

She recognized Joshen’s whisper and sighed in relief. He crossed the room and crouched beside her bed.

“What are you doing?” She glanced at Mistin, who hadn’t stirred.

“We need you to sing.”

Taking one of the spare blankets, she wrapped it around her shoulders and led him from her cabin.

She started towards the bow, but he pulled her back. “Are things all right between us?” he asked.

Her head dropped. “I don’t know.” Which really meant no.

He shifted awkwardly. “Well then, how do I make it right?”

“Joshen…” She sighed. How could she explain this so he would understand? “I have never believed in myself. Maybe it was because I was taunted as a child, and I came to believe those taunts. Eventually, I didn’t need the town bullies anymore—I did well enough belittling myself.”

In the moonlight, Joshen’s sad eyes nearly undid her, but she continued. “After that, I never had to believe in myself. I had you to do that for me.” She went on, her voice barely a whisper. “It’s not all your fault, Joshen. This isn’t really even about you. I want to be strong. I want to believe in myself. Give me some time to learn who I am.”

His mouth pressed in a thin line, and she hesitated. She hated confrontation. Her instinct was to pretend things were fine. But that wouldn’t help anything. “I’m not sure I can trust you. You would have stopped me from leaving Haven.”

Joshen dragged his hand through his hair. “I was just trying to keep you from getting hurt. And it’s not like you’re perfect.” They were both silent for a while. “So I’m just supposed to accept that I might lose you?” His voice was thick with anger.

She rubbed her face. “I am Witch born. It’s what I am.”

He took a step towards her. “What you are is my love.”

Her shoulders drooped. “Oh, Joshen. You fell in love with a Witch, and there’s a cost for that.” Her father had paid with his life. “It’s even worse for you, because I’m becoming something more than a Witch. I don’t know how or what, but I’m not sure any of us will come through this without paying a price.”

Joshen turned away, his muscles bunching beneath his shirt. “I know. I’ve known for weeks. But I can’t pay that price, Senna. I can’t.”

She fought to keep her emotions below the surface. “You’re going to pay it whether you accept it or not.”

A shudder ran through him. Without looking at her, he strode towards the hatch. “My watch is up. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Senna watched him go. She wanted to call out to him, beg him to banish her dread with the comfort of his arms, but he wasn’t ready. And maybe she wasn’t, either. Somewhere, she’d lost herself…or maybe she’d never really found herself to begin with. At any rate, she had to learn to love herself wholly before she could love anyone else. “Good night.”

She went to the front of the ship and sang to the wind until it gusted behind her, whipping her loose hair into her face. With a sudden burst, the wind caught her blanket and tore it away from her. She lunged for it, but it was already out of reach. Gasping, she cursed and whirled towards the wind. As if sorry, it snatched her hair from her face.

The damp sea air cooled her hot skin. But it also pressed her thin shift against her body. She wouldn’t be alone on deck. Captain Parknel always kept a lookout in the crow’s nest in addition to the man at the wheel. She felt eyes on her. Straightening, she saw Cord watching her, his musket leaning on the railing beside him.

He must have relieved Joshen. Cord hefted his musket and came towards her. Hugging herself, she ducked and started towards the cabin.

“Wait.”

She picked up her pace.

“Wait.” He took her arm.

She kept her face averted.

Gently, he turned her face towards him. He was silent for a time. “What’s it like?”

Shifting uncomfortably, Senna stared at the deck and wished he would let her go. She couldn’t explain the strange feeling she had whenever he came near. “What’s what like?”