Blood of the Underworld(57)

She nodded, but still refused to say anything. He tried to think through his headache. He’d been bleeding, inches from death, by the time he fled from his attacker. What was the point? What was the goal? And if Tarlak was out and about, what for?

“He’s not searching for the Widow,” he said. “You’d tell me that. What’s going on, Del?”

She dipped a washcloth in a basin at her feet, then wiped his forehead. The cold water felt glorious, and he tried to relax as she dipped it again, this time moving it across his neck.

“The man who attacked you,” she said hesitantly. “His name is Grayson. He told all the guilds that he’d killed you, and they believed him.”

Haern felt his blood chill.

“How bad is it out there?” he asked. “Do you even know?”

She shook her head, clenched her teeth. Into the basin went the washcloth.

“I can see the fires from the window,” she said. “Beyond that...I don’t know.”

Haern curled his hands into fists. As his heart pounded, a bright light flashed across his eyes, and his headache intensified tenfold. He clenched his eyes shut, let out a gasp. Immediately Delysia’s hands were upon his face, still cold from the water. He heard whispers of a prayer, and a distant ringing of an unearthly bell. Waiting out the pain, he focused on her touch, until at last her fingers pulled away, and the pain with it.

“I know you were stabbed deep,” he heard her say. “But the blow to your head worries me more. I never saw this when at the temple, but I did hear of warriors who suffered symptoms such as yours. It can last for days, if not weeks or months. You need to rest. I’ll do what I can, I promise.”

The thought of enduring such headaches, of feeling that pain throbbing from the top of his head down to his feet, was horrifying. He remembered how when fighting Grayson his balance had consistently eluded him, and at times his vision even went blank. How could he be the Watcher under such a handicap? How could he tame the chaos Tarlak was out there struggling against while he lay there stricken?

“He was right,” Haern said, his voice a harsh whisper. “Damn it, he was right.”

“Who?” she asked.

“Victor. He said this would happen. He knew I’d fail like this one day. He knew it. I was a fool to think I could control them. To think I could do this forever.”

A sudden cough hit him, and he turned to one side. Each sharp breath hurt, and he coughed louder, harder. Blood spat across his white sheets, the rest dribbling down his lip.

“Shit,” Haern said, seeing it. He lay back down and closed his eyes as he felt the beginning of another headache forming. Tears swelled, and he was too sick to stop them. Delysia’s cloth went back to work, cleaning away the blood, even dabbing at his tears.

“What am I doing?” he wondered aloud. “Was it ever right?”

“It isn’t my place to tell you,” Delysia said. “But I don’t think you’re a fool. I don’t think you’re a failure. You’re allowed to err, Haern. No one would believe you human otherwise.”

“And what if Tarlak dies out there tonight? Does that make me even more human?”

It was a cheap blow, but it was the truth, and what weighed most heavily on his mind. It should be him out there bleeding and dying to protect his city. He’d given his life away as an orphaned child, swore it while watching the Connington mansion burn years ago during the Bloody Kensgold. He could have kept killing. He could have continued his attempts to wipe them all out. But instead he’d forced peace. A fool’s peace, the weight of it solely on his shoulders. And now it was breaking, and it seemed all the world but him had seen it coming.

“Stop this,” Delysia said. Her voice was soft, wavering from the anger and determination behind it. “This isn’t you. I didn’t sit at your bedside praying so you could wallow in misery and doubt. I didn’t do it because you are a fool, or I feared for my brother’s safety.”

“Then why?”

In answer, she knelt down over him, her hair cascading across his face, and then pressed her lips to his. His eyes still closed, it took him a moment to realize what was happening. He almost resisted, almost turned away, but could not. He kissed back, gently lifting a hand so he could touch her face. His mind whirled, too sick and tired to think of anything beyond the softness of her lips. When she pulled back, he finally dared open his eyes to look. She was tired, her eyes swollen and black from exhaustion, but through it all he saw a strength greater than him, and he clutched her hand tightly as if to never let it go.

“The world will continue without you,” she told him. “People will kill, steal, bleed, and die, whether you live or not. Stop judging yourself by what you’ve done with your swords. If you would despair, remember those who love you. Let your life by judged by that instead.”