“That’s hardly my fault. You’re the one who wanted to go out and fight. Don’t expect me to believe anything else. The shear hunger for it was pouring off you in such thick waves of energy it was suffocating me!”
The muscles in his jaw twitched, molars grinding. Obviously barely leashing his temper. He pointed one finger at her. “You.” His voice thick, the single word the only one he could get out.
She braced her hands on her hips, defiant. “Me what? I didn’t ask you to go out in the pouring rain and subdue an intruder. You did that all on your own.”
“I did it so we would be safe. So we could move on with our lives.”
“You did it because you enjoy it!”
“I sure as hell didn’t enjoy seeing that asshole shoving a knife to your throat. Why don’t you tell me what that was all about?”
Her hands locked into fists and she shook them at him. “I already told you. The generator blew. We couldn’t see you, we couldn’t tell where Shider was, we didn’t know what was happening, and I sure as hell didn’t want you to die!”
Her declaration was all the more startling as it bounced off the walls in the thick silence. Zan lifted his gaze to the ceiling and took several deep breaths. “So you went out there, blind, where people had guns, and were ready to use them at the slightest provocation to try and save me?”
Why were they rehashing this? “Yeah.”
His head tilted down until green eyes locked on hers. “Do you have any idea what I went through at that moment? When I smelled your blood, saw that knife at your throat? Knew I’d never reach you in time before that asshole sliced you ear to ear. Do you have any idea how crazed that made me?”
She had an idea. “Probably as crazed as it made me stuck in that stupid little room with Russell and Marion where I could only watch helplessly as you dropped to the ground.”
The look of sorrow that crossed his features nearly undid her, but she couldn’t give in. At one time she’d thought of a possible way for them to be together. Only running out in that rain, praying for Zan’s safety while terrified for her own, she knew she just couldn’t do it. “I can’t live like this, Zan. I don’t know what would be worse, the imagining what you were going through during a mission or the reality of being there.”
His head cocked in confusion. “God,” Jackie said, squeezing her eyes closed. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this.” A deep breath. “I briefly thought about going with you on your assignments.” She peeked at him. “I’ve told you too many times that I’m not one to twiddle my thumbs while someone close to me is in danger.”
His shock was priceless. “Never.” A harsh growl.
“I know.” A sad whisper. “For me, the reality would be worse.”
All expression faded from his face. No heat, no gleam of lust, no nothing. It was not a good look for him. “But you thought about it?”
She pressed her lips together. “But I can’t do it. I’m sorry, Zan. No matter how much I...care for you, I’m too selfish. Too needy. I want my mate at home with me. Safe.”
His Adam’s apple moved under the thick cords in his neck. “People work dangerous jobs all the time, angel, outside the military. Firefighters, oil rig workers, fishermen. Cops.”
All the fight melted out of her and she sank onto the bed, twisting so she faced the dominant male shifter she’d lost her heart to. “I know that, Zan. But for most of them it’s a job, not an addiction. They don’t want to face guns and knives and death and destruction on a daily basis. Avoiding it all rather than running smack into the middle of it.”
Ever so slowly he moved forward, as if wanting to assure prey of his innocuous nature. As if that were possible. “But could you handle your mate doing something like that?”
She frowned at his question, wary of the slow glide of his body. “Like what?”
With predatory grace he eased onto the mattress. “Your mate holding a dangerous job.”
Jackie was already shaking her head. “I’ve already told you...”
“As long as he came home to you every night,” he slid over the sheets, “and did his best to avoid any and all guns, knives, blood, and death?”
His hand skimmed up her arm, over her shoulder and up to cup her cheek. Her eyes fluttered at the sweet sensuality of his touch, breathed in his oh so familiar scent. “What do you want from me, Zan?”
Finally he grinned. A wicked grin full of carnal thoughts and insatiable desires. “That’s a loaded question, angel, and one you know the answer to.”