If only he meant that comment the way I would’ve meant it.
When I joined Zack downstairs moments later, he’d already become one with the couch, his blanket tucked around him. I turned off the lights and curled up in the big chair, reclining it all the way back. The plush cushions enveloped me and I should’ve instantly relaxed. Instead, I lay there wired. Snuggling deeper into my comforter, I hoped I’d be able to take my mind off Zack. Eventually. It had been easier up in my room where he was farther away.
I didn’t get Zack at all. He had to like me. Otherwise, why did he take every opportunity to kiss me? Could it really be that simple, like he’d said so many times — I was hot and he was still a guy? No connection other than having the right equipment?
Feeling the energy radiating from Zack, I knew he wasn’t asleep. What I was about to do was scary and risky. Bad things could happen by putting myself out there and opening myself up. But I just had to. “Zack. If two people like each other, why is being together such a crime? I don’t mean mating and risking our chances of winning a battle. I’m talking about enjoying the moment with someone you care about.”
“With that reasoning, I could hook up with Maya or Ashley, because they’re attractive and I like them too.” He exhaled loudly. “Earlier today, you asked me not to kiss you again, because it meant something to you. Did you change your mind?”
He’d just lumped me in with every other girl, basically saying I wasn’t special to him, even a tiny bit. It felt like a massive weight pushed into my chest, the pressure crushing my heart and lungs. I wondered if I might stop breathing. How long could I live without oxygen?
“I’m sorry, Autumn. You know I care about you or I wouldn’t be here. But what you’re asking for isn’t something I can give you. You have to let this go.”
I forced my lungs to take in air. Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he said.
But he had hurt me.
Maybe it was a good thing. Maybe I could finally get him out of my head. The truth shall set you free, isn’t that what they say? Yet, I didn’t feel free and the truth didn’t make the rejection go down any easier. But at least now, once and for all with absolute certainty, I knew where we stood.
“Don’t sweat it,” I said. “You did me a favor. Now I can move on.”
He’d warned me all along. How could I be mad at him? It would’ve been helpful if he’d exercised more control, but who was I to talk? I held as much blame for our make-out sessions as he did.
It had been exactly two weeks ago today since I’d first seen him and most of that time, we’d been at odds. I couldn’t be in love with him. Someday, I’d fall in love for real, with someone who could love me back.
Zack’s breathing stayed uneven, telling me he was still awake. Mentally, I wanted to cut my ties to him, but even in the wee hours of the night, he was still all I could think about.
† † †
Saturday morning, we slept in and awkwardly went about our morning business, me pretending I didn’t care. He’d said good morning to me, but those were his only words until I invited him to breakfast. I’d put coffee on, then whipped up omelets and made toast.
Zack looked like hell. He was pale, his hair exploded in every direction and he moved slower than usual.
“You didn’t sleep well?” I saw him eyeing the salt and passed it to him.
“I’ve had better nights.” He sprinkled the shaker over his eggs.
“If feeling sorry for me disturbed your sleep, it shouldn’t have,” I said, forcing a smile. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, since his face was void of expression. “You warned me that first day car shopping. I should’ve listened. In any case, I’m fine,” I choked out when I really wanted to yell at him and play the blame game. But that would make us both miserable. The responsibility was on me anyway.
“So, what are your plans today?” I asked in an effort to change the subject.
“We have to take your car in.” He spread jelly on his toast and took a bite. “The last thing we want is for it to break down when we need it most.”
I took another bite of my eggs. “Can we take it in later? I wanted to do laundry and some cleaning. We also need to get groceries and maybe spend some time with your mom while she’s up for it.”
“Sounds like a plan.” He scooped up another bite of the omelet. “This is great, by the way. So far you’ve only scrambled them and they were good, but this is amazing.”
“Thanks. It’s time-consuming though. School mornings I’m too rushed to do it right.”