“Autumn…” He looked at me helplessly.
I had no intention of bailing him out. “Are you finished?”
“And I’m sorry for being so—”
“Cold?” I finished for him. “Impersonal? Unfriendly? Distant? Hurtful?”
He held up his hand. “I get the picture. Yes. All of those things.” He studied the fabric of my purple comforter. “It’s just that I’ve had a lot to process lately and some decisions to make.” His voice lowered. “You’re not stuck up. Actually, I think a lot of you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”
I couldn’t make more of his words than they were. We had a mutual respect. Nothing else.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said softly.
I swallowed and glanced away, so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes.
“Will you go running with me?”
“Sure,” I forced out. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll be down.”
If he saw me cry, he’d probably feel sorry for me. We’d probably end up kissing and I couldn’t open myself up like that again, expose my emotions, so he could stomp all over them. Still, he hadn’t moved and I wondered what he was thinking. Hopefully, he’d take my reaction to mean that complete forgiveness wasn’t
his yet. Which it wasn’t.
The mattress quaked as Zack got up. When he was gone, I leaned my head back and breathed.
I hated Zack.
I hated him for being the most gorgeous guy I’d ever seen. For being nice to even the nerds. For helping me and protecting me, for inviting me into his home and sharing his mother with me. I hated him for shielding me from the evil that was Daniel. I hated the way he joked and teased me and chuckled when he thought I did something cute. I hated him for thinking I was beautiful.
I hated him for being exactly who I wanted him to be.
Mostly, I hated myself for being desperately in love with him.
I couldn’t go downstairs yet.
Closing my eyes, I imagined being a giant bird, almost weightless as I soared soundlessly through the sky. When I felt the tremor of my body beginning to shift, I relaxed my muscles and tossed the image away. But my moment in the make-believe wind calmed me enough to go downstairs. I took them one step at a time, wondering how I would do this with Zack day after day if he could never be mine. And knowing one day, he’d be gone.
As I reached the last step, we both instinctively zeroed in on the front door just before the bell rang.
He peeked through the gap between the curtains. It’s Gina, he told me silently. Zack opened the door and she entered hesitantly.
Why did you let her inside? I asked.
I’m curious to know what would make her so desperate that she’d show her face at your house, he answered, one corner of his mouth curving up.
“What are you doing here?” I wanted to throw her right back out.
“I couldn’t find Daniel and thought he might be here.” She glanced at Zack. “But I see now that was never a possibility.”
“Is he missing again?” Zack asked, coming up beside me and casually slipping his arm around my waist.
Gina made a strange sound between a laugh and a sob. “He keeps going MIA these days, especially at night.” Her gaze fixed on the wood flooring. “He doesn’t answer his phone and his parents can’t reach him either.” She returned her attention to me. “I think he’s cheating on me.”
A normal response would’ve been to say, “I told you so” or make a sarcastic remark and urge her to dump him. But if she followed that advice, Daniel might get freaky and stalk her the way he’d been stalking me. At least I had superpowers and Zack to protect me. Gina was probably safer with Daniel.
“He hasn’t been here, Gina,” Zack said. “I’d know if he was. I’ve been here a lot the last few days.”
That wasn’t subtle at all. Zack must’ve wanted to make sure Daniel knew we were still together. My gut told me Daniel was already in the loop.
“You’re probably thinking if he was unfaithful to you, why would he be any different with me?” Her eyes welled up with tears. “And if he is with another girl, I deserve it.”
“I doubt he’s cheating on you,” I said. She would never know the absolute truth, but I could give her part of it. “We’ve seen him at night when we’ve gone out and he was alone. Maybe that’s all he wants. Solitude.”
“Hope you’re right. He’s been different lately. It’s hard to figure him out.” She smiled and shuffled her feet awkwardly. “Well, thanks. Goodnight.”
I opened the door and closed it after her, turning to Zack.