“You almost died?” Dad said, sounding astonished.
I rolled my eyes. “No. Vince is being overdramatic. I was fine.” I knew what my parents were thinking about, and I didn’t want them to say a damn word.
“He wasn’t breathing,” Vince told them. “So I maneuvered him and he spat the burrito onto Sandy’s face. And then he could breathe again. Then I asked him out on a date and he said no.”
“I had just almost died,” I said. “You just shocked me, is all.”
“I thought he was being overdramatic,” Nana said.
“He almost died,” Vince said again. “So his life became mine, because once you save someone’s life, they belong to you.”
Dad nodded. “It’s an old Chinese proverb.”
“In Asia,” Vince agreed. “Then Paul hit me with his car.”
“What?” they all said.
“I didn’t hit him with my car,” I said. “He ran into my door on his bike.”
“And flipped over the door and landed on my back,” he said. “Then he saved my life by pretending to give me mouth-to-mouth, but really he was just making out with me.”
“He wasn’t breathing and you were trying to give him tongue?” my mom asked me. “Paul, I taught you better than that.” She shook her head as if disappointed in me.
“I was not! I thought he was dead!”
“Were you wearing a helmet?” Dad asked him sternly.
“Yes, sir. I always ride with one.”
“Good. So Paul hit you with a car and made out with you afterwards? What happened then?”
“Oh, for fuck sakes,” I muttered.
“Language,” Dad said.
“Well, my back hurt pretty bad,” Vince explained. “Paul must have been so worried about me because he called an ambulance after he got done making out with me and I had to go to the hospital.”
“You poor dear,” Nana said, patting his hand and shooting me a glare.
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” I snapped at her.
“Paul’s a butt pirate!” Johnny Depp screamed.
“It’s okay, Johnny Depp,” Vince called out.
“Pretty. Pretty!”
“So I had to go the hospital, where they told me I had a concussion and bruises, and even the doctor thought Paul should go out with me.”
“Well, if the doctor said so,” Nana said. “I know I always do what my doctor says. They do go to medical school for, like, sixteen years.”
“So then Paul took me back to his house and kept me there and took care of me.”
“I should hope so,” Mom said. “He did hit you with his car.”
“It’s like I’m not even here,” I said into my hands.
“So he saved my life and I saved his, and I sort of figured we belonged to each other,” Vince said, smiling fondly at me as if I hadn’t said a single thing.
“You weren’t dying,” I told him.
“You thought I was. Otherwise, your tongue probably wouldn’t have been in my mouth.”
“You put your tongue in my mouth.”
He shrugged. “Does it matter who did what where? What matters is that I got you.”
“Aww,” Nana said.
“It was meant to be,” Mom said, eyes brimming.
“That’s pretty swell,” Dad said gruffly. “So Paul didn’t tell you how me and his mom met? That’s surprising, given the similarities.”
“Who wants pie?” I asked loudly. “Seems like a perfect time for pie! I couldn’t imagine an even better time to have everyone except for Vince go into the kitchen, where we will not be raising our voices in any way, shape, or form. Just a normal family discussion about pie.”
“Pie can wait,” Mom said absently.
“Similarities?” Vince asked.
“I have an announcement to make,” I said desperately. “I have decided to become a Wiccan and you should now all call me Heaven Moonstorm.”
No one even blinked. I put my face in my hands and waited for it to be over.
“A little over thirty-five years ago,” Dad said as he reached out and grabbed Mom’s hand, “I was seated at a restaurant in what used to be downtown Tucson. I was there with some buddies from school. I was a freshman at the U of A then.”
“A very handsome one,” Mom said, smiling at him, as she always did when he reached this part.
From there, I’m sure you can figure out the rest. It’s actually deceptively simple yet decisively beautiful. It’s also so completely unrealistic and illogical that it doesn’t seem like real life, like something that would really work.
Dad’s eating with friends and inhales something wrong and starts to choke. Mom just happens to be passing by at the time and stops him from choking by performing this new trick she’d heard about on the news, the Heimlich maneuver. Dad lives, all is well. They smile at each other, instantly enamored. But then Mom has to go, she can’t be late, and he doesn’t get her name. She’s a student, he knows, just the same as he, but he doesn’t know where to start looking. No one seems to know her name.