But, of course, that’s not how things went. At all. I didn’t know what the fuck Vince had done, if he was some kind of cyborg sent from the future that had the power to make everyone literally roll over and expose their bellies to him like he was the greatest thing to have ever existed. Yes, I thought he was pretty dang rad, but Jesus Christ, Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp, the most hateful bird alive?
Johnny Depp adored him.
My grandmother pulled Vince up to the cage, and I could see the parrot eyeing him. I waited for the bird to call him a turd-burglar or some such nonsense when all of a sudden, Johnny Depp whistled like he was some New York City construction worker and a hot piece of ass had just walked by. It was a low sound, a lecherous sound, and I almost walked over to choke the life out of the damn parrot for hitting on my boyfriend, because that’s exactly what he was doing.
He shuffled over on his bar to get as close to Vince as he could. “He’s very pretty,” Vince said, and Johnny Depp gave a little chattering sound like he was pleased with the compliment, like he understood what Vince had said. He mewled at Vince and stuck his beak through the bars, clicking his tongue. Vince reached up and stroked between his eyes and the bird fucking sighed in pleasure. “Pretty,” Johnny Depp said. “So pretty.” He clicked his tongue again.
“You’re like some weird, gay Dr. Dolittle,” I accused him.
“You just have to be nice to animals, Paul,” he said. “They know when you don’t like them.”
“Yeah, because they’re so smart like that,” I said with a sneer.
Johnny Depp reared up and looked over at me. “Paul’s a lady-boy,” he said. He turned back to Vince. “Pretty. Pretty, pretty.”
“You two should get a room,” I said snidely.
“I see what you mean about getting defensive,” Nana said. “Paul, it’s a bird. Really, you’d think you wouldn’t get jealous over a bird.”
“Paul pretty much loves me, I guess,” Vince said with a wink.
I scowled at the both of them and went to the kitchen.
And walked in on my parents making out. “Aughhhh!” I cried. “My eyes! It’s like I stared at an eclipse even though all the warnings told me not to!”
“Oh please,” my mother said. “You act like parents can’t be intimate, Paul. You weren’t immaculately conceived, you know. Your father put his pe—”
“Let’s pretend the conversation ended right there, okay?” I interrupted. “Here, Vince got you flowers and got Dad scotch, which, with how this has been going after only five minutes, I’m pretty sure we should break into now so that I am numb for when the rest happens.”
My mother gushed over the flowers and Dad grinned over his bottle. “What are you worried about, Paul?” Mom asked as she pulled a vase from underneath the sink. “Everyone will be on their best behavior. It’s not like we’re savages, you know. Believe it or not, we do know how to keep our pants on.”
“And I appreciate that more than I could ever say,” I told her. “I wouldn’t know how to explain that to him if you didn’t.”
“Sassy boy,” she said fondly.
We were interrupted by a loud shout of laughter coming from the hallway. Vince sounded like he was dying.
“Slutty Snow White?” Dad asked, opening the bottle to his scotch and sniffing.
“Slutty Snow White,” I admitted. “Remind me again why I decided to wear that?”
“Because you and Sandy wanted to see if you could find seven men to be your dwarves,” Mom said. “I reminded you that it’s never a good idea to go looking for seven different guys when I was pretty sure you couldn’t handle more than two.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “You grew up so fast.”
“Wow, did I have a delusional childhood.”
“No more than most kids,” she said.
“I’m pretty sure most sixteen-years-olds don’t dress in drag and look for a seven-man gang bang,” I pointed out.
“Language!” My father warned.
I heard the bedroom door open down the hall and Vince’s laugh suddenly cut off. “Oh shit,” I breathed.
“What?”
“The bike.”
Dad cocked his head. “You didn’t want him to find it?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered. “I just—”
Vince walked swiftly into the kitchen. “Matty, Larry,” he said in greeting. “Can I borrow Paul for a minute?”
My parents looked highly amused. I couldn’t look at Vince, the tightness in his voice making me think I’d done something wrong. “Go ahead,” Mom said. “We’ll be ready to eat in ten minutes or so, so take your time.”