“There are times in my life I wish I didn’t understand English,” I told her. “Hearing you say that is one of those times.”
“Is he handsome?” she asked with a smirk.
I blushed, unable to stop myself. “Quite hideous, to be honest.”
“Uh-huh. That’s why you look like a tomato right now. I can’t wait to meet this young man if he’s got you all up in knots after only a few days. After all, you know what happened with your parents after a wee—”
“No chance in hell,” I said. “And I’d appreciate if that was never mentioned to him. Ever.”
“Wow. You were sure quick to protest that one.”
“Nana, you don’t understand. He’s already convinced that he’s halfway in lo—”
The doorbell rang, cutting me off.
“Oh sweat balls,” I moaned. “This will be the second I’ll remember later on as the moment before the shit hit the fan.”
“Language,” my father shouted from the kitchen.
“Go get the door,” Nana said.
“Butthole bitch,” Johnny Depp said.
“You stay out of this,” I warned the bird. He eyed me warily through the bars on his cage. “For some reason, Vince wants to see you, but I swear to God if you keep up the whole time we’re here, I will put you in the washing machine.”
“Dick-lips,” he responded.
“Bastard,” I hissed at him, moving past the cage.
I took a deep breath once I reached the door and sent up a little prayer to God for tonight to not be the social abortion of the season. I opened the door.
God, he was so fucking handsome.
I could see the slight nervousness on his face as I opened the door, as if he was unsure who’d be on the other side and was fretting about it. But as soon as he saw it was me, that look faded and a brilliant smile bloomed on his face, dimples out in full force. He was so fucking happy to see me that it almost knocked me flat. I didn’t think I’d ever had anyone look at me like that. It was disconcerting. It was terrifying. It was fucking awesome.
“Hi,” he said, almost shyly, stepping into the door and kissing me sweetly.
“Hey,” I said roughly. “Thanks for coming over.”
He shrugged. “Your mom invited me. I couldn’t say no to that.”
And what about your mom, Vince? What’s going on with her?
“You may end up regretting that sooner than you think,” I muttered to him. Only then did I notice his arms were full. “What’s all this?”
He blushed. He fucking blushed. It was so unfair. I blushed and I looked like I had third-degree burns spreading over my body. He blushed and it made him hotter. “Just thought I should bring something for your folks and your nana.” He shuffled his feet. “Also got you a birthday present, even though your birthday has already passed. I felt bad that I missed it.”
“You… come in here all… so awesome and I can’t even… so unfair….”
He looked up and grinned. “You’re sputtering,” he murmured. “That usually means I’ve done something good. It’s nothing big. Just flowers for your mom and Nana, and some scotch for your dad because he looks like he’d like it.”
I shook my head. “You’re so fucking weird.”
“Yeah. But you think I’m awesome.”
“Did you have a good day?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level as I closed the door behind him.
I thought he stiffened slightly, but it was gone before I could be sure it was there. “It was fine,” he said.
“Oh. That’s good.” Only then did I notice slightly dark circles around his eyes. “You okay? You look tired.” I felt bad. “Look, we don’t have to do this now if you’re not feeling it. Trust me, my family can be exhausting like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe we should—”
“It’s fine, Paul,” he said with an exasperated smile. “I just haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Is it your back? Still sore?”
“Yeah. A little bit.”
“Are you sure you—”
“Paul!” Nana shouted from the living room.
I groaned. “Here we go,” I whispered. “Yeah?” I shouted back.
“Quit trying to get fresh with your young man in the hallway and bring his ass in here so I can meet him!”
“Language!” my father yelled from the kitchen. “Hi, Vince!”
“Hi, Larry!” Vince called back.
“Hi, Vince!”
“Hello, Matty!”
“Paul’s a fudge packer!”
Vince’s eyes bulged.
“Johnny Depp,” I sighed. “I told you. This is going to be bad. He hates everyone and all he does is say horrid things. I would feel bad, but you wanted to see this. I only ask that if you feel like screaming and running in the opposite direction you give me plenty of notice so that I can start looking for a new country to live in so that I may die in embarrassment around people who don’t speak the same language I do.”