“Paul,” he said, sounding like he was choking.
“Yes, Vince?” I muttered.
“Did you say that you fell into the hippopotamus exhibit at the zoo?”
“No. I said I once had a problem with my hypothalamus gland and it caused me to get the flu. You really need to get your hearing checked. I’m thinking of having a salad.”
“Are you guys ready to order?” Santiago asked as he appeared at the table, sounding extremely put out.
“I think,” Vince said as he gasped, “that we’re going to need more time.”
“Why is your face all red?” Santiago asked. “Did the accountant say something stupid? I’ve heard that accountants can be really boring lays.” He turned to me. “Are you a really boring lay?”
“Be gone, you he-bitch!” I growled at him.
Santiago rolled his eyes at me and scowled before walking away.
I hazarded a glance at Vince. He was on his phone, looking like he was going to explode.
“What are you doing?” I asked suspiciously. “You better not be texting anyone right now!”
“I’m not,” he said, tears streaming down his face as he laughed. “I’m looking you up online. There has to be a news story about this.”
I made a grab for his phone. “Don’t you dare!”
“There’s a YouTube video?” he said, pulling the phone away, just out of my reach. “With a million hits? Oh my God, you’re famous!” He squinted. “Wait. The user who uploaded it was DancingQueenSandy? No. Fucking. Way.” I made a play for his phone again and he looked up and glared at me. “You stay on your side of the table,” he told me. “This might be the most important thing to have ever happened anywhere.”
“That’s bullshit! What about Jesus being born? Or the advent of nuclear physics? Or gay-for-pay porn stars?”
He shook his head. “None of those even compare to this.”
“Remember how I said I didn’t use that black dildo?” I said desperately. “I lied. I use it all the time. As a matter of fact, I used it right before you came over. I laid on my back and shoved that whole fucking thing up my ass as I moaned your name and pretended it was you. How about we get out of here and I show you how I do it?”
He licked his lips as he glanced up at me. “Yeah. That’s… that’s quite a thought. But we both know this is going to happen, so it might as well happen now.” He raised his finger and started to lower it to the touch screen on his phone.
“You play that video,” I warned him, “and I swear to God I’m going to break up with you. You told me I was your boyfriend seven minutes and twenty-six seconds ago. It’ll be the quickest relationship of your life.”
“Gonna press it,” he said, lowering his finger even further, grinning at me.
“I’ll suck your cock right now under the table if you don’t!” I shouted.
That got his attention, and he jerked his hand away from the phone. Unfortunately, it hit his glass filled with water and knocked it all over me. Water splashed up into my face, and only then did I realize it was filled with at least nine billion lemons. “My eyes!” I screeched. “I’m blind!”
“I’m so sorry!” Vince said, even though he didn’t sound sorry in the slightest. “Here, have a napkin. Have a bunch.” I felt a handful of napkins press into my hands and I grabbed them and started rubbing them over my face, which immediately hurt my nose and cheek.
“You can’t say stuff like that,” Vince scolded.
“Obviously,” I snapped at him. “I’ll never say that I’m going to suck your cock again because apparently you throw citric acid in my face!”
And then I heard a tinny voice coming from his direction. Sandy said, “Paul, back up just a little bit so I can get the whole area behind you.”
“Like this?” I heard myself say.
“You’re watching the video?” I yelled at him, still unable to see. I knew right then what it must have felt like to be Helen Keller. Well, except for the deaf part. Whatever. We were both American heroes for what we had to put up with.
“Well, yeah,” he said as if I was stupid. “You fell. Into a hippo exhibit. Of course I’m going to watch it.”
“Can you stand up on that metal part?” Sandy asked as the video resumed. I tried to place a curse on Vince so that his face would melt, but then I remembered I didn’t know any curses and that curses weren’t a real thing, unless you were me and had lemon water thrown at your eyes.
“Probably. Give me a second. You know what? I don’t really understand the point of hippos.”