“Maybe it’s on his bucket list,” Dad said. “You know, now that he’s thirty, he’s trying to figure out all the things he wants to do before he dies.”
“Like have grandbabies?” my mom asked hopefully.
“That’s why I got a dog,” I said, hearing Wheels rolling his way to his dish in the kitchen.
“Granddogs?” my mother said, perplexed. “Not quite the same. Now, who was he?”
“Who?”
“Don’t do that, Paul. It’s annoying.”
“Yes, Paul. Don’t annoy your mother because then she annoys me.”
“Really, Lawrence, try to be a bit more sensitive.”
“I’m the most sensitive man you know.”
“No, Paul is. He always has been, ever since he was a little boy. I don’t know why we were so surprised when he came out. We should have seen it coming.”
“Like the time he wanted to be Cinderella for Halloween when he was ten?”
My mother sighed. “Though, now that I think about it, he should have been the fairy godmother.”
“Mom!” I choked out, as my dad started to crack up. “That’s not funny!”
“Oh course it is, sweetheart. I’m the funniest person in the world.”
“That makes me so sad,” I told her.
“What was his name?” she demanded.
“If you talked to Sandy then you know I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why not?” Dad asked. “I don’t understand why you’re so quiet. Or so shy, for that matter. You’re just as good as any of the other homosexuals in there. Better, even.”
“The best,” my mom said fondly.
I tried not to let them know how their words affected me, only because I realized that this is why they had called to begin with. We didn’t speak on the phone that often, and if we did, the conversations were short and sweet. But Sandy must have told them I was upset and this was them trying to make me feel better, and I’ll admit, my eyes were burning a bit. All my anger fled at that moment, and what I really wanted was my mom and dad.
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice a bit rough. “You guys are just biased.”
“Well, even if we weren’t, we’d still love you to pieces,” Mom said. “We know you’re shy, Paul, and maybe you’ll always be like that. But one day, someone is going to come along and sweep you off your feet and it will be like magic. You’ll open up like a blushing, virgin flower filled with rainbows and sprinkles”
“Rainbows and sprinkles,” my father agreed. “The most sprinkliest virgin flower ever.”
“I love you guys,” I told them honestly, even if they were batshit insane.
“We know, sweetheart,” Mom said. “Feel better?”
“Yeah. A bit.” And I did. Dog-vomit eating and all.
“Good, because Sandy is sitting in your driveway, waiting for us to make you not mad at him anymore.”
I groaned. “You set me up!”
“And it was surprisingly easy.” Dad laughed. “Geez. I don’t know how you weren’t kidnapped as a child by a stranger who offered you candy. You’re so gullible.”
“Lawrence,” my mother admonished. “What terrible thing to say. Accurate, but terrible. Now, Paul, are you done being mad at Sandy?”
“I guess,” I allowed.
“Why don’t you ask him out?” my dad asked. “He’s already like one of the family. It’d just be so perfect! And then you two would be married and your mother could borrow that one outfit he wears that has the tail….”
“Larry!” my mother shouted, but even I could hear the smile in her voice.
I tried to scrub that image from my head, but it worked its way in. It’s a weird kinky pony-play outfit he found at some sex shop that he wears when he does Marilyn Manson at the club. It’s scary, but a little hot. “We’re not like that,” I told them. “Sandy and I are best friends. Like brothers. We tried it once, but it was just too weird. Not our thing. I love him, but not that way.”
“It’d be easy, though, right?” Dad asked.
“Oh, Larry,” my mother sighed. “Love is never easy.”
Oh gross. Not this kind of conversation again. You’d swear there were three people on the phone with a uterus instead of one. “And on that note, I gotta go. Sandy, and all.”
“Okay,” Mom said. “Don’t forget next weekend going to Nana’s for your birthday.”
“Wonderful,” I said. “There’s nothing greater for my self-esteem than to hear Johnny Depp call me a fanny-bandit.”