“Paul,” he said tightly.
I pushed past him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt the love fest. Darren! So nice to see you here. Get your ass outside so I can beat the shit out of you. Now.”
Darren eyes went comically wide. “Excuse me?”
I got right up in his face. “You and me? We’re going to duel.”
He snorted. “What the hell did you smoke?”
“A can of whoop ass,” I told him. Then I thought about what I’d just said. “Wait… that didn’t make sense. Quick, ask me again. I can do this.” I popped my neck and hopped on both feet like I was a boxer. Gettin’ loose. Gettin’ loose.
“What?”
“Ask me again what I smoked.”
“I don’t… what are you talking about?”
“Just do it!”
“Okay? What did you smoke?”
“No, you have to say it like you did before.”
“How did I say it before?”
“You were slightly amused, sarcastic and angry. I think. And you have to say ‘hell’ again too. Makes it sound more hard core when there’s cussing.”
“Saying ‘hell’ is cussing?”
“Yeah. Well, my dad says it is.”
“You are so weird.”
“You and me?” I growled at him. “We’re going to duel.”
He stared at me.
“Say your line!” I hissed at him.
“Er. What the hell did you smoke?”
“Nothing,” I said grandly. “Because I don’t smoke because smoking kills five hundred thousand Americans every year. Dammit! That didn’t make sense either! Why can’t I think of really awesome comeback lines?”
“Oh, is that what we’re doing? Do it to me now. I’ve got a good one. I’ll start.” Darren took a step back and puffed up his chest. “You and me?” he snapped. “We’re going to duel.”
I got a little scared at that. “What the hell did you smoke?” I squeaked.
“Your dad’s pole,” he snarled at me. Then he grinned. “How was that? I’ve got some other ones if you—”
I punched him in the mouth.
I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I didn’t even realize my fist was cocked back behind my head until it was too late. My arm shot forward and my knuckles collided with his lips and I remember thinking this was probably not my best idea while his head snapped back. And as much as I’m sure it hurt him, holy fuck, the pain that shot through my hand was wicked.
“Son of a bitch!” I howled, holding my hand, sure it was going to fall off.
“You just punched me!” Darren said, covering his mouth with his hand.
“Is your face made of metal? Are you the fucking Terminator? Did Skynet take over and I didn’t know about it? All my bones are broken because of your face!” My hand felt like it was on fire, and I was pretty sure that bone chips were breaking off into my bloodstream and working their way up to my brain where they would become lodged, eventually leading to my death.
“What the hell, Paul?” Vince said angrily. “Why did you hit him?” He had his hands curled at his sides like he was getting ready to take me on as well. I wondered if I still had fight left in my left hand, because my right was useless.
“I saw you,” I said, all rational reason and thought pretty much done for the day. “Through the window! He was all up on your nut sac and he wants to bone you and you’ve been Freddie Prinze Junioring me this whole time, haven’t you!”
“You want to bone me?” Vince asked Darren, a slightly disgusted look on his face. “Dude.”
“What?” Darren shouted. “No, I don’t want to fucking bone you! That’s gross!”
Now I was offended for Vince. And myself, since that reflected on my taste. “He’s not gross!” I yelled back, stepping in between the two of them, protecting Vince from Darren’s dangerous libido. “He’s pretty fucking awesome and you can’t have him! He’s mine and you need to stay the fuck away.”
“Paul,” Darren said, “Vince is my brother.”
“I don’t fucking care if he’s your mom, you still can’t fuck him, becau—Wait. What?”
“Vince is my brother,” he said again, and it made less sense the second time. He looked over my shoulder at Vince. “And I do not want to bone you. You’re not that hot.”
“Thank God,” Vince sighed. “I thought you wanted to have sex with me and I didn’t know how to tell you that incest is not something that turns me on. Well, twins, maybe.”
“Twins turn you on?” I asked him, shocked. “That’s… ew.” But inwardly I cursed that I did not have a twin right at that moment. Not that I would have done anything with said twin. That would be wrong. Maybe.