42
Hell wasn’t just being trapped in a broken body. Hell was being unable to escape soul-deep grief while trapped. I thought I’d experienced the worst possible loss with my mother, and then with Misha, but I’d been wrong. Not that their losses were any less devastating. This was...different and it was too much.
This was like purgatory.
Over the course of several hours that turned into several days, I learned I could heal from any wound as long as it wasn’t fatal. Broken bones knitted back together and popped into joints they’d been ripped from. Torn flesh stitched back together without the aid of needle and thread, something I hadn’t known was possible and apparently neither had Matthew, who’d stitched many of my wounds in the past. Now I understood why Jasmine had been so surprised by the head wound I’d received that night in the tunnel. Severed veins and nerves reconnected, bringing back sensation to places that had long gone numb.
The process was painful.
Slipping out of consciousness only when it became too much and I needed to escape the burning pins and needles along my limbs as blood flow returned, I was awake for most of the healing. I was awake when Layla sat down beside me with tears streaming from her eyes and told me that Zayne was gone.
A part of me had known that already, and she didn’t need to go into detail. Too much time had already passed. When Wardens died, their bodies went through the same process a human body did, except it happened much faster. Within a day, there’d be only bones left, and it had been many days. Zayne was gone. His laugh and the smile that never failed to cause my stomach and heart to do strange, wonderful things. His wry sense of humor and his kindness that set him apart from everyone I knew. His intelligence and unending loyalty. His fierce protectiveness that had been apparent before we’d been bonded, something that had annoyed me as much as it had strengthened me. His body and bones and beautiful face... All of it gone before I even regained consciousness.
I screamed.
I screamed when I looked around the room and didn’t see his spirit or ghost, stuck in the horrible place of being both relieved and devastated.
I screamed until my voice gave out and my throat was on fire. I screamed until I could no longer make a sound. I screamed until I thought of the senator and finally, truly understood how deep of a cut this kind of pain could make. How it could lead a person to do anything, utterly anything, to bring their loved one back.
I screamed, realizing that my decision to hold him back, to keep him outside, might have led to his death just as much as falling in love with him had, maybe even more. That it had felt wrong, and I should’ve known, should not have tried to convince myself that what was right could feel wrong. I’d never know whether the outcome would’ve been different if he’d gone in with us, or if that would’ve resulted in an earlier death.
I screamed until it became too much, until there was a sharp sting along my arm and then there was nothing but darkness until I awoke again, only to realize that purgatory was being trapped with grief and sorrow and anger.
Gabriel had been right about one thing. I was bitter and vengeful. I wanted retribution against the archangel and even God for creating a rule that had ultimately weakened Zayne, but I wanted Zayne back more, and there had to be a way. This couldn’t be it. I refused to accept it. I couldn’t. Not when I thought of how he’d said he’d go to the ends of the Earth to find me if I was taken. How he’d sworn he’d stop at nothing to get me back, even from the clutches of death.
The pain of my bones and skin repairing themselves became a fuel. Bringing Zayne back was all I could think about. I didn’t talk to Roth or Layla when they checked on me, not after they’d told me that Zayne was gone. I didn’t even talk to Peanut when he ghosted in and out of the room.
I planned.
I planned, as day turned to night once more and the stars Zayne had thoughtfully plastered to the ceiling started to glow softly. Constellation Zayne. My heart shattered all over again. Tears welled, but they didn’t fall. I didn’t think it was possible to cry anymore. The well was empty. Just like my chest, where the bond had once resided, but it was slowly filling back up with a storm of emotions. Some hot. Some ice-cold. I knew, as I stared at those stars, that I was no longer the same. The fight had broken me. The pain had shifted me. Zayne’s death had reshaped me.
And my plans breathed the life into me. I just needed my body to get on board.
A soft nudge at my arm drew my gaze. I was greeted with a flicker of a pink tongue.
I had no idea why Bambi was in bed with me, stretched out and pressed against my side like a dog, but when I’d woken earlier and found her there, I hadn’t freaked out.
Drawing in a shallow breath, I lifted my fingers on my left hand. They were stiff and achy. I tried to move my arm. A flare of pain danced across my shoulder, but it was nothing like before. I bent my arm at the elbow, wincing as the freshly healed joint ground together, and placed my hand on Bambi’s diamond-shaped head. Her tongue gave me another wave and her mouth opened, like she was smiling as she laid her head on my stomach.
Her scales were smooth and yet rough around the edges. I traced them idly, and Bambi seemed to love the attention. Whenever my fingers stilled, she bumped my hand.
After a little while, I could move my leg, bending the right and then the left.
Some time later, the door cracked open and Layla popped her head in. “You’re awake.”
“I...” Wincing, I cleared my throat. My voice was still hoarse. “I am.”
“Up for company?”
Not particularly, but we needed to talk. There was Gabriel and his batshit-crazy plans that someone had to deal with. And then there were my plans. “Where’s...Roth?”
“He’s here. Let me get him, and you something to drink.” She dipped out and returned a few minutes later with a large glass and the demon prince in tow.
As he came closer, I thought he looked different, as if he’d aged a decade. It was his eyes. A weariness was there that hadn’t been before. Peanut followed, lingering by the foot of the bed as he stared at the snake.
“I’m not getting any closer,” he said.
Bambi tilted her head toward him, wiggling her tongue in his direction. She could see him. Interesting.
Layla sat beside me. “This is ginger ale. I thought it would be good on your stomach.”
“Thanks.” I lifted my head and started to sit up, but Layla held the cup to my mouth, preventing too much movement. I drank greedily even though it burned the back of my throat.
“I see someone has been keeping you company.” Roth leaned against the wall, ankles crossed.
“Yeah, she has.” I let my head fall back against the pillow. “Is Cayman...okay?”
“He’s fine,” he answered.
“Good.” I cleared my throat. “We need...to talk about Gabriel.”
“We don’t have to.” Layla placed the glass on the nightstand, next to my mother’s book. “Not right now.”
“We do,” I said. Bambi nudged my hand, and I returned to petting her head. “Has anything happened?”
Layla shook her head as she started twisting the pale strands of her hair.
“I’ve been...patrolling.” Roth said the last word like it was a foreign language. “With everything that happened, I...”
He didn’t finish, but I thought I knew what he’d been about to say. That he needed to be doing something.
“Gabriel hasn’t been spotted. No Wardens have been killed,” Layla continued, staring at Roth. “We did manage to get the school closed.”
“How?”
“I went back the next night, started a small fire that might have done some intensive damage to the classrooms.” Roth grinned.
Smart idea, since all those ghosts were evil to their core. No human should step foot in that school. “What about Stacey and her diploma?”
“They’re finishing the rest of the summer classes at another school.” Layla looked at Bambi, who seemed to be purring. Like a cat. “She wanted to be here, but she’s...”
Layla didn’t need to finish. I already knew. Stacey was hurting. That I could understand.
“I think I took out most of the Shadow People.” I got to the point of this conversation as I watched Peanut eye the snake. “The ghosts are still there, and I guess Gabriel will bring more Shadow People in. I don’t know why, but Gabriel needs me alive. At least until the Transfiguration.”
“We have a little under a month before the Transfiguration,” Roth said, folding his arms over his chest. “A couple weeks until we either find a way to stop Gabriel or the beginning of the end kicks off.”
I closed my eyes. “I can’t...stop him.”
“Trinnie,” Peanut said. “Don’t say that. You can.”
“I can’t.” I answered him without Layla and Roth realizing. “He’s an archangel. You saw what he’s capable of. Even with the angel spikes, we’d have to get close to him. I would have to get close to him. He’s impossible to beat.” Opening my eyes, I stared up at the stars. It was hard admitting this, knowing I was no longer the top of the food chain, but it was the truth. “At least, by myself I can’t. I’m not bonded anymore, and I doubt my father will bond me to another Warden. It’s too much of a risk if Gabriel senses him and decides to use his blood instead of mine. I’m not weak, but I’m not as strong as I was when I was bonded. Even then, I couldn’t beat an archangel alone.”