From Blood and Ash(79)

“Lord Halverston has gone hunting with some of the men,” she answered. “He would’ve been here to greet you, but he was already preparing to leave with it being so close to dusk.”

“Oh.” The Lord went hunting with the men? The people here were…odd.

“Is there anything else?”

This time, I shook my head and didn’t stop her. I quickly undressed, leaving my clothing by the door and then hurried across the chilled floor that the fire hadn’t yet warmed, dagger in hand.

The large tub had to be the second-best thing I’d ever seen.

My sore muscles immediately welcomed the hot water, and I stayed longer than necessary, scrubbing myself with the lilac-scented soap and washing my hair twice before I worried that I’d wrinkle like a prune if I stayed one minute longer. Toweling off, I slipped on the warm robe and padded on bare feet to the small vanity, pleased to find a comb. I roamed out to the bedroom, idly combing out the knots and tangles in my hair, and placed the dagger on the end table. When that was done, there was nothing to do but wait.

I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering what Tawny was doing right now. Was she making friends with the other Ladies and Lords in Wait? Sadness tugged at my chest, and I welcomed it. That was far better than feeling only anger and pain, but I missed her.

I missed Vikter.

The knot of emotion was back in my throat as I smoothed my hand over the soft blue material. My eyes burned, but the tears…they wouldn’t come. I almost wished they would. I sighed, glancing back at the head of the bed. There were two pillows as if the bed were meant for two people to—

A knock on the door startled me. I jumped from the bed and was in the process of moving to the end table when the door opened. Snatching up the dagger, I whipped around.

“Hawke,” I breathed.

He lifted his brows. “I thought you’d be asleep.”

“Is that why you barged in?”

“Since I knocked, I don’t consider that barging in.” He closed the door behind him and stepped into the light. He’d bathed and changed, his damp hair curling against his cheeks. “But I’m glad to see that you were prepared just in case it wasn’t someone you wanted to see.”

“What if you’re someone I don’t want to see?”

That half-grin appeared. “You and I both know that’s not the case.” His gaze roamed over me. “At all.”

“Your ego never fails to amaze me.” I placed the dagger back and then looked around. Since the only other place to sit was the very uncomfortable-looking chair, the bed was the only option. I sat on the edge.

“I never fail to amaze you,” he replied.

I smiled. “Thank you for proving what I just said.”

He chuckled as he strode forward. “Did you eat?”

I nodded. “You?”

“While I bathed.”

“Multi-tasking at its finest.”

“I am skilled.” He stayed where he’d stopped, several feet from me. “Why aren’t you asleep? You have to be exhausted.”

“I know the morning will come sooner rather than later, and we’ll be back out there, but I can’t sleep. Not yet. I was waiting for you.” Suddenly nervous, I toyed with the sash on the robe. “This place is…different, isn’t it?”

“I imagine if one was used to only the capital and Masadonia, it would be,” he answered. “Things are far simpler here, no pomp and circumstance.”

“I noticed that. I haven’t seen a single Royal Crest.”

His head tilted. “Did you wait up for me to talk about Royal banners?”

“No.” I sighed, letting go of the sash. “I waited up to talk to you about what I did to Airrick.”

Hawke said nothing.

My nervousness gave way to irritation. “Is this later enough for you? A good time?”

There was that curl of his lips. “This is a good time, Princess. It’s private enough, which is what I figured we would need.”

I opened my mouth and then snapped it shut. Dammit. Was that why he’d kept pushing it off? If so, that made sense.

“Are you going to explain why neither you nor Vikter ever mentioned that you had this…touch?”

My jaw came unlocked. “I don’t call it that. Only a few who have heard…the rumors about it do. It’s why some think I’m the child of a god. You, who seems to hear and know everything, haven’t heard that rumor?”

“I do know a lot, but no, I have never heard that,” he replied. “And I’ve never seen anyone do whatever it was that you did.”

My gaze searched his, and I thought I saw the truth in his stare. “It’s a gift from the gods. It’s why I’m Chosen.” Or at least one of the reasons. “I have been instructed by the Queen herself to never speak of it or to use it. Not until I am deemed worthy. For the most part, I have obeyed that.”

“For the most part?”

“Yes, for the most part. Vikter knew about it, but Tawny doesn’t. Neither did Rylan or Hannes. The Duchess knows, and the Duke knew, but that was all,” I told him. “And I don’t use it often…ish.”

“What is this gift?”

I blew out a long breath. “I can…sense other people’s pain, both physical and mental. Well, it started off that way. It appears that the closer I get to my Ascension, the more it evolves. I guess I should say I can sense people’s emotions now,” I corrected, tugging at the blanket beside me. “I don’t need to touch them. I can just look at them, and it’s like…like I open myself up to them. I can usually control it and keep my senses to myself, but sometimes, it’s difficult.”

“Like in crowds?”

Knowing he was thinking about when the Duke had addressed the city, I nodded. “Yes. Or when someone projects their pain without realizing it. Those times are rare. I don’t see anything more than you or anyone else would see, but I feel what they do.”

“You…just feel what they feel?”

I looked up at him.

He was staring at me with slightly wide eyes. “So, you felt the pain that Airrick, who had received a very painful injury, felt?”

I nodded.

Hawke blinked. “That had to be…”

“Agony?” I supplied. “It was, but it’s not the worst I’ve felt. Physical pain is always warm, and it’s acute, but the mental, emotional pain is like…like bathing in ice on the coldest day. That kind of pain is far worse.”

Hawke walked over and sat on the bed beside me. “And you can feel other emotions? Like happiness or hatred? Relief…or guilt?”

“I can, but it’s new. And I’m not often sure what I’m feeling. I have to rely on what I know, and well…” I shrugged. “But to answer your question, yes.”

For the first time since I met Hawke, he looked speechless.

“That’s not all I can do,” I added.

“Obviously.”

I ignored the dryness in his tone. “I can also ease other people’s pain by touch. Usually, it’s not something the person notices, not unless they’re experiencing a great deal of obvious pain.”

“How?”

“I think of…happy moments and feed that through the bond my gift establishes through the connection,” I explained.

Hawke stared at me some more. “You think happy thoughts and that’s it?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it like that. But, yes.”

Something flickered over his face, and then his gaze shot to mine. “Have you sensed my emotions before?”

I wanted to lie. I didn’t. “I have.”

He sat back.

“I didn’t do it on purpose at first—well, okay, I did, but only because you always looked like… I don’t know. A caged animal whenever I saw you around the castle, and I was curious to find out why. I realize I shouldn’t have. I didn’t do it…a lot. I made myself stop. Sort of,” I added, and his brows climbed up on his forehead. “For the most part. Sometimes, I just can’t help it. It’s like I’m denying nature to not…”

To not use what I had been born with.

That was why it was hard to control sometimes. Sure, curiosity often drove me to use it, but it felt like going against nature to deny it and keep it locked down. It was stifling.

Just like the veil and all the rules and the expectations and…the future I never chose for myself.

Why did my entire life seem so wrong?

“What did you feel from me?”

Pulling myself from my thoughts, I looked over at him. “Sadness.”

Shock rolled across his expression.

“Deep grief and sorrow.” I lowered my gaze to his chest. “It’s always there, even when you’re teasing or smiling. I don’t know how you deal with it. I figure a lot of it has to do with your brother and friend.” When Hawke said nothing, I thought I’d said too much. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used my gift on you, and I probably should’ve just lied—”

“Have you eased my pain before?”

I flattened my hands on my legs. “I have.”

“Twice. Right? After you were with the Priestess, and the night of the Rite.”

I nodded.

“Well, now I understand why I felt…lighter. The first time it lasted—damn, it lasted for a while. Got the best sleep in years.” He coughed out a short laugh, and I peeked over at him. “Too bad that can’t be bottled and sold.”