Vikter was…gods, I missed him.
“I want to be close enough to intervene in case you have a nightmare,” he continued, and I opened my eyes. “If you scream…”
He didn’t need to finish. If I screamed, I could draw nearby Craven.
“So, please, relax and try to rest. We have a hard day ahead of us tomorrow if we have any hope of not being forced to spend two nights in the Blood Forest.”
A hundred refusals rose to the tip of my tongue, but I was cold, and if I did have a nightmare, someone needed to be nearby to stop me before I started screaming bloody murder. And Hawke’s heat…the warmth of his body was already seeping through the blanket wrapped around us, sinking into my chilled skin and bones.
Besides, all he was doing was sleeping beside me. Or sleeping with me, as he’d said. But neither of those things was forbidden.
And it wasn’t like we hadn’t already done things I should’ve protested or avoided. Compared to the night at the Red Pearl and during the Rite, this was extraordinarily chaste, no matter that I shivered now for an entirely different reason than the cold.
“Go to sleep, Poppy,” he urged.
Exhaling as loudly and obnoxiously as I could, I plopped my cheek back onto the bag and winced. The material had chilled significantly while I had my head up. I ended up staring straight ahead, focusing on the vague shape of one of the guards standing in the moonlight.
I closed my eyes, and immediately, my entire focus went to where Hawke’s body touched mine.
Hawke’s arm was all but curled around my waist, but his hand didn’t touch me. It must’ve dangled in the space in front of me. That was surprisingly…polite of him. His chest rested beside my back, and with every breath he took, it brought his body more into contact with mine.
The only sound other than my pounding heart—which I wondered if he heard—was the rattle of the wind stirring the leaves, reminding me of dry bones rubbing together, and the soft neighing of the horses.
Was Hawke asleep already? If he was, I was going to be so irritated.
“This is wildly inappropriate,” I muttered.
His answering chuckle stroked my nerves in all the wrong—and right—ways. “More inappropriate than you masquerading as a wholly different kind of maid at the Red Pearl?”
My jaw snapped shut so quickly and tightly, I was surprised I didn’t crack a molar.
“Or more inappropriate than the night of the Rite, when you let me—”
“Shut up,” I hissed.
“I’m not done yet,” he said, his chest pressing against my back. “What about sneaking off to fight the Craven on the Rise? Or that diary—?”
“I get your point, Hawke. Can you stop talking now?”
“You’re the one who started this.”
“Actually, no, I did not.”
“What?” A low laugh left him. “You said, and I quote, ‘this is wildly, grossly, irrefutably…’”
“Did you just learn what an adverb is today? Because that is not what I said.”
Hawke sighed. “Sorry.”
He didn’t sound sorry about it at all.
“I didn’t realize we were back to pretending we hadn’t done all those other inappropriate things,” he said. “Not that I’m surprised. After all, you’re a pure, untainted, and untouched Maiden. The Chosen.”
Oh, my gods….
“Who’s saving herself for a Royal husband. Who, by the way, will not be pure, untainted or untouched—”
I moved to jab him with my elbow, but forgot I was currently wrapped in one blanket and draped with another. All I managed to do was uncover the front of my body, revealing it to the cold air.
Hawke laughed.
“I hate you.” I scrambled to fold myself back up into my blanket cocoon.
“See, that’s the problem. You don’t hate me.”
I had no response to that.
“You know what I think?”
“No. And I don’t want to know.”
He ignored that. “You like me.”
My brows knitted together as I stared out over the small clearing.
“Enough to be wildly inappropriate with me.” A pause. “On multiple occasions.”
“Good gods, I’d rather freeze to death at this point.”
“Oh, right. We’re pretending none of that happened. I keep forgetting.”
“Just because I don’t bring it up every five minutes doesn’t mean I’m pretending it didn’t happen.”
“But bringing it up every five minutes is so much fun.”
The corners of my lips tipped up as I lifted the edges of the blanket above my chin. “I’m not pretending none of that stuff happened,” I admitted in a low voice. “It’s just that…”
“That it shouldn’t have happened?”
I didn’t want to say that. I felt like once I did, I couldn’t take it back. “It’s just that I’m not supposed to…do any of that. You know that. I am the Maiden.”
Hawke was quiet for several moments. “And how do you really feel about that, Poppy?”
After several false starts when I tried to answer him, I closed my eyes and just answered truthfully. “I don’t want it. I don’t want to be given to the gods and then, after that, if there is an after part, I don’t want to be married off to someone I’ve never met, who will probably…”
“Probably what?” His voice was quiet, soothing even.
I swallowed hard. “Who will probably be…” I sighed. “You know how Royals are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and flaws, well, they are unacceptable.” Warmth finally crept into my cheeks. The words tasted like ash. “If I end up as an Ascended, I’m sure whoever the Queen pairs me with will be the same.”
Hawke didn’t say anything for a long moment, and I was so grateful, I almost rolled around and hugged him. Nothing he could’ve said would’ve made what I said any less humiliating to admit.
“Duke Teerman was a cunt,” he said. “And I’m glad he’s dead.”
A shocked laugh burst from me, loud enough that I saw the pacing guard stop. “Oh, gods, that was loud.”
“It’s okay.” He sounded as if he smiled.
Grinning into the blanket, I said, “He was definitely that, but it’s…even if I didn’t have these scars, I wouldn’t be excited. I don’t understand how Ian did it. He barely even knew his wife, and I…I don’t think he’s happy. He never speaks about her, and that’s sad, because our parents loved each other. He should have that.”
I should have that, Maiden or not.
“I heard that your mother refused to Ascend.”
“It’s true. My father was a firstborn son. He was wealthy, but he wasn’t chosen,” I said. “Mom was a Lady in Wait when they met. It was accidental. His father—my grandfather—was close to King Jalara. My father went to the castle with him once, and that’s when he saw my mother. Supposedly, it was love at first sight.” My smile faded. “I know that sounds silly, but I believe it. It happens—at least for some.”
“It’s not silly. It does exist.”
A slight frown pulled at my lips. His voice sounded off. I couldn’t explain it exactly, but it made me wonder if he’d seen someone and had fallen in love with them after just one conversation. I thought of how he’d admitted to being in love before.
The center of my chest burned.
“Is that why you were at the Red Pearl? Looking for love?”
“I don’t think someone goes looking for love there.”
“You never know what you’ll find there.” He was quiet for a moment. “What did you find, Poppy?”
His question was so soft, it was almost…seductive. “Life.”
“Life?”
I closed my eyes again. “I just want to experience things before my Ascension.” Before whatever happened during the Ascension. “There’s so much I haven’t experienced. You know that. I didn’t go there looking for anything in particular. I just wanted to experience—”
“Life,” he answered. “I get it.”
“Do you? Really?” I didn’t think even Tawny got it.
“I do. Everyone around you can do basically whatever they want, but you’re shackled by archaic rules.”
“Are you saying that the word of the gods is archaic?”
“You said it, not me.”
My nose wrinkled. “I’ve never understood why it is the way it is.” I opened my eyes. “All because of the way I was born.”
“The gods chose you before you were even born.” He felt closer, like if we weren’t wrapped up, I’d feel his breath on the back of my neck. “All because you were ‘born in the shroud of the gods, protected even inside the womb, veiled from birth.’”
“Yes,” I whispered, opening my eyes. “Sometimes, I wish…I wish I was…”
“What?”
Someone different. Someone other than the Maiden. Thinking it was one thing. Saying it out loud was another. I’d come close to admitting it to Vikter, but that was as close as I would let myself get with those words.
It was far past time to switch gears. “Never mind. And I don’t sleep well. That’s another reason why I was at the Pearl.”