“Hawke.” I whirled on him.
“Oh, yeah, that’s rich, coming from you. How do you see her, Hawke?” Vikter stepped in more. Suddenly, they were as close as Hawke and I had been under the willow. “Another notch in your bedpost?”
I gasped, spinning back around. “Vikter.”
“Is it because she’s the ultimate challenge?” Vikter continued, and my lips parted.
Hawke’s chin dipped. “I get that you’re protective of her. I understand that. But I’ll tell you just one more time, you’re way out of line.”
“And I’ll promise you this…it will be over my dead body before you spend another moment alone with her.”
Hawke smiled then, one side of his lips curling up. There was no dimple. His features seemed to sharpen in the moonlight, creating shadows under his eyes and on his cheekbones. “She thinks of you as a father,” he said, his voice so soft it sent a chill down my spine. “It would hurt her greatly if something unfortunate were to happen to you.”
“Is that a threat?” Vikter’s brows lifted.
“I’m just letting you know that is the only reason I’m not making your promise come true this very second,” he warned. “But you need to step back. If you don’t, someone is going to get hurt, and that someone won’t be me. Then Poppy will get upset”—he turned to me—“and that’s the sixth time I’ve said it,” he added, and all I could do was stare at him. “I don’t want to see her upset, so step. The fuck. Back.”
“Both of you need to stop,” I whispered, grabbing Vikter’s arm, but he didn’t budge. “Seriously. This is escalating over nothing. Please.”
They didn’t look away from each other, and it was almost like I wasn’t there. Finally, Vikter stepped back. I didn’t know if he saw something in Hawke’s face, or if it was me tugging on his arm, but he took another step away, his skin unusually pale in the moonlight.
“I’ll be guarding her for the rest of the evening,” Vikter stated. “You’re dismissed.”
Hawke smirked, and I shot him a glare he didn’t even seem to notice. He said nothing as Vikter took my arm and turned. I went with him, having taken only a couple of steps before I looked over my shoulder.
The space where Hawke had stood was empty.
I looked around quickly, not seeing him. Where had he—?
“I don’t even know what to say to you right now,” Vikter stated. “Gods. After I finished talking to the Commander, I couldn’t find you, but I ran into Tawny. She said you returned to your room. I went to check on you, and when you weren’t there, I figured you could be here. But I did not expect to find this.”
It seemed as if he knew exactly what he wanted to say.
“Dammit, Poppy, you know better than this. You know what’s at risk, and I’m not talking about the fucking kingdom.”
Hearing him curse caught my attention. I looked up as he stalked along, bringing me with him.
“If anyone had seen you with him, missing a few days of training would’ve been the least of my fears,” he went on, and my stomach dropped. “And Hawke knows better. Dammit, he never should’ve laid a hand—”
“Nothing happened, Vikter.”
“Bullshit, Poppy. You looked like you’d been thoroughly kissed. I hope that was all.”
“Oh, my gods,” I exclaimed, my face flaming.
“Don’t lie to me.”
“We were coming back in to go to my room—”
Vikter stopped, looking down at me with wide eyes and lifted eyebrows.
“Not what you’re thinking,” I insisted, and that was the truth. “Please. Just let me explain what happened,” I said, desperately trying to figure out how to fix this.
“I don’t think I want to know.”
I ignored that. “After you left to speak to the Commander, I felt bad because Tawny wouldn’t leave my side. I knew that as long as I stayed at the Rite, she would feel as if she had to stay with me. So, I told her I was going back to my room so she could have fun.”
“That doesn’t explain how you ended up out here with him.”
“I was getting to that,” I said, trying to be patient. “Hawke knew I didn’t want to go back to my room, and he knew how much I used to love the gardens. So, he brought me out so I could…so I could get past what happened here with Rylan. That’s why we were out here.”
“I feel like you’re leaving a lot out.”
At this point, I knew I couldn’t continue lying, at least not about everything. “We walked around, and Hawke showed me a place he enjoyed in the garden. I…I asked him to kiss me.”
Vikter looked away, jaw locking.
“And we did kiss. Okay? It happened, but that was all. He stopped it before it went any further,” I told him, speaking the truth. “I know I shouldn’t have asked him—”
“He shouldn’t have been so willing to oblige you.”
“That’s not the point.”
“That is the point, Poppy.”
“No, it’s not.” I pulled my arm free, closing my hands into fists before I picked something up and threw it. “He’s not the damn point!”
Shock flickered over his face.
I made an effort to lower my voice. “This whole stupid thing is the point. The fact that I can’t do anything is the point. That I can’t have one night to do something normal and fun and enjoyable. That I can’t experience anything without being warned to remember what I am. That every privilege you have, and Tawny has, and everyone else has, I don’t have.” My voice cracked as the back of my throat started to burn. “I have nothing.”
His expression softened. “Poppy—”
“No.” I took a step back, his features blurring. “You don’t understand. I can’t celebrate my birthdays because that’s ungodly. I’m not allowed to go to picnics at the Grove or to supper with others because I’m the Maiden. I’m not allowed to defend myself because that would be unseemly. I don’t even know how to ride a horse. Nearly every book is forbidden to me. I can’t socialize or make friends because my sole purpose is to serve the kingdom by going to the gods—something no one will even explain. What does that actually mean?”
Breathing heavily, I tried to rein my emotions back in, but I couldn’t. Something in me snapped, broke wide-open, and I couldn’t stop. “I don’t even know if I’ll have a future beyond my Ascension. In less than a year or even sooner, I may lose every chance I have to do everything everyone else takes for granted. I have no life, Vikter. Nothing.”
“Poppy,” he whispered.
“Everything has been taken from me—my free will, my choice, my future—and I still have to suffer through the Duke’s lessons,” I spat out, shuddering. “I still have to stand there and let him hit me. Let him look at me and touch me! Do whatever he or the Lord wants—” Sucking in a fiery, painful breath, I lifted my hands, grabbing fistfuls of my hair, pulling them back as Vikter closed his eyes. “I have to stand there and take it. I can’t even scream or cry. I can do nothing. So I’m sorry that choosing something that I want for myself is such a disappointment to you, the kingdom, everyone else, and the gods. Where is the honor in being the Maiden? What exactly should I be proud of? Who would want this? Point me in their direction, and I’ll gladly switch places with them. It should be no shock that I want to be found unworthy.”
The moment those words left my mouth, I smacked my hands over my lips. Vikter’s eyes snapped open, and for a long moment, we stared at one another, the truth a double-edged sword between us.
“Poppy.” Vikter looked around and then reached for me. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
I danced out of his reach, curling my fingers against my mouth. It wasn’t fine. It wasn’t going to be all right. I’d said it. The truth. Out loud. Heart thumping and stomach churning, I turned and started walking toward the castle. I thought I might be sick. “I want to go back to my chambers,” I whispered, lowering my hands. Vikter started to speak. “Please. I just want to go back to my room.”
He didn’t respond, thank the gods, but he followed directly behind me. All I could focus on was putting one foot in front of the other. If I didn’t, the angry, messy, and violent ball of emotion lodged in my throat would erupt. I would erupt. That was how I felt. I would explode everywhere in a shower of sparks and flames, and I didn’t care what I looked like when we entered the hall and moved into the light, or what people saw if they looked at me and realized that I was the Maiden. My entire body was trembling with the force to keep—
A loud, cracking sound reminding me of wood splintering drew us to a halt. We turned to the Great Hall just as a shout sounded, followed by screams—piercing screams, one after another. My heart dropped.
Someone—a Lady in Wait—backed out of the Great Hall, her red gown fluttering around her feet as she pressed her hands to her mouth.
Vikter started toward the entryway but stopped. He turned to me, and I knew he was going to take me back to my room, but the screams kept coming, followed by shouts of panic and horror. Another joined the Lady in Wait. Then another, a servant carrying an empty tray. He turned and vomited.