From Blood and Ash(58)

She twisted toward me. “Yes?”

“You don’t have to stand here beside me. You can go and have fun.”

“What?” Her nose scrunched against the mask. “I’m having fun. Aren’t you?”

“Of course, but you don’t have to be right beside me. You should be out there.” I gestured to the dancers and beyond, to where people huddled together in groups of three and four. “It’s okay.”

“I’m fine.” She plastered on a bright smile, and my heart squeezed. “I’d rather be standing here with you than out there without you.”

“You’re the best,” I said, wishing I could hug her. Instead, I reached between us and squeezed her arm. “You really are, but I don’t need you to be my shadow tonight. I already have two of them.”

Tawny’s gaze flicked over my shoulder. “You really only have one. Vikter is still with the Commander.”

“And one is all I need. Please.” I squeezed her arm again. “Tawny, go. Please.”

Her gaze searched mine, and I could tell that she was waffling. Before she could decide not to, I lied, “I’m actually feeling very tired. I didn’t sleep all that well last night, so I don’t plan to be down here for much longer.”

“You’re sure?”

I nodded.

Tawny’s entire body practically vibrated with the effort required not to throw her arms around me, but she managed a subdued nod as I released her hand. She gave me one last long look and then headed down the steps, crossing the floor to where Dafina and Loren stood with three Lords in Wait.

I smiled, relieved. I hoped she let herself enjoy her night, and to ensure that, I knew I needed to leave. If I stayed down here for any amount of time, standing between the enormous, red geraniums, she would come back.

I felt Hawke step closer before he even spoke, and a shivery wave of warmth danced over my skin. I turned my head to the right, to where he stood no more than a few inches behind me.

“That was kind of you,” he commented as he stared out over the floor.

“Not particularly. Why should she stand here and do nothing just because that’s all I can do?”

“Is that really all you can do?”

“You were standing right here when Her Grace reminded me that I am not to mingle or—”

“Or fraternize.”

“She said socialize,” I corrected.

“But you don’t have to stay here.”

“I don’t.” I turned back to the floor, swallowing another sigh. I did have to leave. The idea of returning to my chambers held little appeal, but if I didn’t, Tawny would return to my side. “I would like to go back to my room.”

“You sure?”

No. “Of course.”

“After you, Princess.”

I turned, eyes narrowing as he stepped aside. “You need to stop calling me that.”

“But I like it.”

Brushing past him, I lifted the hem of my skirt as I stepped onto the slight rise. “But I don’t.”

“That’s a lie.”

I shook my head as I skirted around the groups of smiling, masked faces. None looked in my direction, most having thought twice about whether they’d seen the Duchess speak with me.

The air was much cooler outside the Great Hall, courtesy of the breeze coming through the open garden entrances. I spared only a quick glance out into the garden before I started down the hall.

“Where are you going?” Hawke asked.

Stopping, I turned to him in confusion. “Back to my rooms, as I…” I trailed off.

Hawke’s amber eyes were assessing as they roamed over me, lingering where my hair lay draped over my shoulders. His gaze traveled over the tiny scalloped lace along the bodice of my gown. The neckline wasn’t as low as I’d seen some of the Ladies in Wait wear, and just the upper swells of my breasts were visible, but that…that was a lot for me, considering my normal gowns had a neckline up to the throat.

“I was wrong earlier when I said you looked lovely,” he said.

“What?”

“You look absolutely exquisite, Poppy. Beautiful,” he said, giving a little shake of his head. “I just…I needed to tell you that.”

His words brought forth such a sharp, swelling emotion that my control over my gift snapped, and my senses reached out before I could stop them. I didn’t feel pain from him other than the hum of sadness. My gaze flew to his face. I felt…something else. Two separate emotions. One reminded me of lemon—tart against my tongue. The other sensation was heavier and…spicy, a bit smoky. I thought the first might be confusion or maybe uncertainty. As if he were unsure of something. The other…

Gods.

It took a few moments for my senses to zero in on what that was. It made me feel hot and…and achy. It felt like arousal.

“I have an idea,” he said, slowly lifting that intense stare of his to mine.

“You do?” I felt strangely breathless as I wrangled my gift, closing it down.

He nodded. “It doesn’t involve returning to your room.”

Anticipation and excitement rose, but… “I’m confident that unless I remain at the Rite, I would be expected to return to my room.”

“You’re masked, as am I. You’re not dressed like the Maiden. To use your own ideology from last night, no one will know who either of us is.”

“Yes, but…”

“Unless you wish to go back to the room. Maybe you’re so engrossed in that book—”

“I am not engrossed in that book.” My cheeks flushed.

“I know you don’t want to be cooped up in your chambers.” When I opened my mouth, he added, “There’s no reason to lie to me.”

“I…” I couldn’t lie. No one would believe me. “And where do you suggest that I go?”

“Where we go?” Light from the sconces glinted off the curve of his mask as he tilted his chin toward the garden.

My heart skipped at the same moment it twisted. “I don’t know. It…”

“It used to be a place of refuge,” he said. “Now, it’s become a place of nightmares. But it can only stay that way if you let it.”

“If I let it? How do I change the fact that Rylan died out there?”

“You don’t.”

I stared up at him. “I’m not following where you’re going with this.”

He stepped closer, dipping his chin. “You can’t change what happened in there. Just like you can’t change the fact that the courtyard used to give you peace. You just replace your last memory—a bad one—with a new one—a good one—and you keep doing that until the initial one no longer outweighs the replacement.”

I opened my mouth, but then I really thought about what he’d said. My gaze traveled to the darkness beyond the door. What he’d said actually made sense. “You make it sound so easy.”

“It’s not. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but it works.” He extended his bare hand, and I looked down, staring at it as if a dangerous animal rested in his palm—a fluffy, cute one that I wanted to pet. “And you won’t be alone. I’ll be there with you, and not just watching over you.”

I’ll be there with you, and not just watching over you.

My startled gaze lifted to his face. His words struck a chord I tried to never touch. Gods, I couldn’t even begin to know the number of times I’d felt alone since Ian had left, even though I rarely ever was by myself. But those around me the most were sometimes just there because they had to be. Even Tawny and Vikter. That acknowledgement didn’t lessen how much I knew they cared for me and how much I cared for them, but it also didn’t change that while they were with me, they were sometimes not present. Nor did it change the fact that I knew a lot of it was in my head. That small, very insecure part of myself that worried that our friendship would be non-existent if Tawny wasn’t my lady’s maid never really went away. I worried she’d be like Dafina and Loren and the other Ladies in Wait.

How did Hawke know that? Or did he know I felt that way? I wanted to ask, but again, it was something I didn’t like to touch or talk about. Loneliness often brought with it a heavy, coarse blanket of shame, and a cloak constructed of embarrassment.

But with Hawke, even in the short time I’d known him, I didn’t feel alone. Could it be simply his presence? When he was in a room, he seemed to become the center of it. Or was it more? I couldn’t deny that I was attracted to him, forbidden or not.

And I didn’t want to return to my room, left to confusing thoughts that I couldn’t act upon. I didn’t want to spend another night wishing I was living instead of actually doing it.

Was it wise, though, if I was right about what I’d felt from him? I could’ve been wrong, but if I wasn’t? Did I have the willpower to remember what I was? I shouldn’t even attempt to find out

But I…I wanted.

Drawing in a shallow breath, I reached for his hand but stopped. “If someone saw me…saw you—”

“Saw us? Holding hands? Dear gods, the scandal.” Another quick grin surfaced, and this time, the dimple appeared. “No one is here.” He glanced around the hall. “Unless you see people I can’t.”