My voice cracked slightly as the knot expanded. I took a shallow breath, feeling Casteel’s gaze on me, but I refused to look at him. I couldn’t, because I didn’t want to know what he was feeling.
“I chose him when I knew him as Hawke,” I forced myself to continue, to say what I needed to say so that everyone in the room could hear me even if it felt like I was scraping at a wound in my chest with rusty nails. “I didn’t know what that would mean at that time, other than I wanted to have something that I actually wanted for myself. I’d already begun to question things—the Ascended and if I could be or do what they required of me. I’d already begun to realize that I couldn’t live like I was any longer. That the Maiden wasn’t me, and I was better and stronger and meant for something other than that. But he…he was the catalyst in a way. And I chose him. I chose him because he made me feel like I was something other than the Maiden, and he saw me when no one else ever really did. He made me feel alive. He valued me for who I am and didn’t try to control me. And then it all seemed like a lie once I realized the truth of who he was and why he was a part of my life.”
Neither Alastir nor Jasper spoke. I could still feel Casteel’s stare.
I swallowed, but the knot was still there. “So, yes, I was very angry, but what I felt for him before remained, and after learning the entire truth about the Ascended and what had happened to him and to his brother, I could understand why he set out to use me. That doesn’t mean that it was okay, but I could understand why. I refused his proposal at first, just so you know. Accepting him and…and allowing myself to feel what I did for him was a betrayal to those who were lost in all of this, and it felt like a betrayal to myself. But I still chose him despite it all.”
I closed my eyes. Up until this moment, I’d spoken the truth, some of it new to me, and I did so for the first time in front of Casteel. What came next was easier because it was the lie. “We’ve moved past how we met. At least, I have. He loves me, and I wouldn’t be here in a room full of people who have spent the entire dinner staring at me in distaste or distrust,”—I opened my eyes, slowly looking across the table, to the two mortal men—“if what we felt for one another wasn’t real. I surely would not be on my way to an entire kingdom who will likely whisper each time they see me, distrust everything there is about me, and look upon me as if I deserve not even minimal respect.”
The two men looked away, their cheeks flushing.
“I…” Dante sat down. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You,”—Casteel cleared his throat—“you don’t have to say anything. You, all of you, just need to accept that this is real.”
Real.
Alastir leaned back, his gaze heavy and somber.
It was Jasper who spoke, with a faint lift of his lips. “If you’ve chosen her, then how can we not do the same?”
Hatred.
That was what I tasted in the back of my throat, what I inhaled with every breath as I sat at the table. It came from different directions at different times, pinging around the room even though most of the tension had left once it didn’t appear as if Casteel would tear out the hearts of Alastir or Dante. Most returned to their dinners and conversation. Except for Casteel, who watched me, and the silver-haired wolven who also studied me as if I were some sort of puzzle.
But several others in the room didn’t stare and remained silent. People who hadn’t projected their emotions before but did so now.
Their anger coated every drink I took or piece of food I swallowed with a bitter taste. It took no leap of logic to realize that they weren’t happy with what Casteel or Jasper had said. Nor anything I’d said had changed what they believed of me. It wasn’t all of them, thank the gods, but it was enough for me to know that I was still not welcome here.
Restlessness hummed through me, an almost nervous sort of energy as I tried and failed to shut off the emotions of others. I didn’t know why I couldn’t when reading the emotions only when I wanted to had become so much easier throughout the day. Was it because I was tired? Maybe it was what happened with Beckett or possibly even what I’d done in the cavern with Casteel.
Or perhaps it was learning that Casteel had kept yet another thing from me?
It was probably all of those things that played a role in my sudden failure to shut down my abilities.
I looked at my plate of mostly untouched food, and I…I simply did not want to sit here any longer.
And I was tired of doing things I didn’t want to do.
“Excuse me,” I said to no one in particular, rising from my seat.
Jasper watched me but said nothing as I stepped around the chair. I walked past the tables, aware of conversations halting as I passed. I kept my chin high, wishing I’d had the forethought to go through the clothing Vonetta had brought over. Nothing took the dignity out of one’s exit like wearing clothing several sizes too large.
But I doubted being dressed in pretty tunics or even the richest of gowns would’ve changed a damn thing.
I pushed open one of the doors and stepped outside, dragging in deep breaths clean of others’ emotions. Stars had already started to glimmer in the deepening sky, and I stared upward. I was finally able to close myself off.
Turning, I spotted Delano and Naill sitting on the crumbling wall that led to the Bay. I didn’t try to read them, and it worked. Their emotions weren’t forced onto me.
“You look like you could use a drink.” Delano offered the bottle of brown liquid he held. “It’s whiskey.”
I walked over, taking the bottle by the neck. “Thank you,” I said, lifting it. The woody aroma was powerful.
“Tastes like horse piss,” Naill said. “Fair warning.”
I nodded, tipping the bottle to my mouth and taking a long swallow. The liquor burned my throat and eyes. Coughing, I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth as I handed the bottle to Delano. “I don’t know what horse piss tastes like, but I’m sure that’s a good comparison.”
Naill chuckled.
“We were getting ready to head in there.” Delano stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankles. “But we figured we’d wait until the air cleared a bit.”
“Good choice,” I muttered.
“Looks like the room is airing out now.” Naill’s gaze flicked over my shoulder.
The muscles in the back of my neck tightened. “Please tell me that’s not him.”
“Well, I suppose it depends on who him is,” Delano drawled.
I turned to see Casteel coming down the steps and across the short distance that separated us, his gaze locked onto mine.
“I have a feeling the air is going to get a bit thick out here.” Naill hopped off the wall. “I think it’s time we head inside.”
“Wise call,” Casteel remarked, his gaze, nearly feral, never leaving mine.
Delano pushed off the wall. “Please, no stabbing. All of that makes me anxious.”
I crossed my arms. “No promises.”
Casteel smirked but said nothing as Naill and Delano made their way back into the fort. He stared at me.
I stared at him. “Do you need something?”
“That’s a loaded question.”
“I was hoping it was a rhetorical one with the answer being: obviously, no,” I said.
“Sorry to disappoint you,” he replied. “Why did you leave?”
“I wanted a few moments to myself, but apparently, that isn’t going to happen.”
A muscle flexed in his jaw. “I’m sorry, Poppy.”
My brows lifted as I focused on him. There was still a potent thread of anger in him, and I didn’t delve deeper into the layers of emotions. “About what exactly?”
“About more than one thing, apparently,” he replied, and my eyes narrowed. “But I’d like to start with how my people have behaved toward you. I hate that they’ve made you feel so unwelcome, and I hate that you know how they feel. I can promise you that will change.”
“You…you really believe that you can change that? You can’t,” I told him before he answered. “They will either accept me or not. Either way, I expected this, and there’s no way you didn’t. You just hoped I wouldn’t read them.”
“I wished you wouldn’t have known,” he corrected. “How could I not wish that? And I do believe how they feel about you will change.”
Pressing my lips together, I looked away. I didn’t think it was impossible for them to change. Feelings were not stagnant. Neither were opinions or beliefs, and if we stopped believing people were capable of change, then the world might as well be left to burn.
“We need to talk and not about the people in that room,” he said.
I turned from him to where the reflection of the moon rippled across the Bay. “That’s the last thing I want to do right now.”
“Do you have better ideas?” He stepped closer, the heat and scent of him reaching me. “I know I do.”
My gaze shot to him. “If you’re suggesting what I think you are, I am going to stab you in the heart again.”
Casteel’s eyes flashed a warm honey. “Don’t tempt me with empty promises.”