I thought about how I was so damn tired of pretending.
At some point, after walking myself ragged, I finally fell asleep, dressed just in case the Ascended showed. I wasn’t even sure what woke me, but when I opened my eyes, the grayish light of dawn crept into the room, and Casteel was in the bed beside me, propped up against a mountain of pillows. His long legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, feet bare. His hands were loose in his lap. He was awake, looking at me.
“Are you watching me sleep?”
“Not now. I was a few minutes ago,” he admitted, one side of his lips curving up. “Now, I’m talking to you.”
“That’s creepy,” I murmured. “The watching me while I sleep part.”
“Possibly.”
“You have no shame.” I rolled onto my back.
He smiled faintly at that, but it didn’t reach his eyes—eyes that were tired.
“Have you slept at all?”
“Not yet.”
The mess that was my hair toppled over my shoulders as I sat up. “I know you’re this insanely powerful elemental, but you need to rest.”
That half-grin appeared, the dimple in his right cheek peeking. “Are you worried about me, Princess?”
I started to tell him no. To deny that I was because that was what I’d always done. It was the easiest—and the safest—but I was tired.
Of lying.
Of pretending.
That was something else I’d thought about as I stood on the Rise overnight after preparing myself for the inevitable. I thought about my future. Who I used to be, who I was becoming, and who I wanted to be. And it was strange how revelations felt like they happened all of a sudden, but in reality, it took many small, almost indiscernible moments over the course of weeks, months, and years. Bottom line, I knew I didn’t want to be someone who hid anymore, whether behind a veil, to others, or to myself.
Just like I’d said at dinner, I hadn’t changed because of Casteel. I’d been in the process long before he came into my life, but he was a catalyst. Just like all those times I’d snuck out to explore, the books I’d been forbidden yet read, and when I smiled at the Duke, knowing I’d be punished later. Vikter’s death was also a turning point.
“I am,” I told him. “I am worried about you.”
Casteel stared at me, and I didn’t need to read him to know that my answer had shocked him.
“They’re going to come. The Ascended could be here by tonight. You need to sleep. To be rested.” I paused. “And maybe stop staring at me.”
“I…” He blinked, and then his body relaxed once more. “I will rest. We both will. But I need…we need to finish our conversation. It can’t wait.” His gaze returned to mine. “Not any longer.”
My heart kicked around in my chest as I leaned back against the pillows. “Where…where do we start?”
He laughed softly. “Gods, I think I know where to start. You asked if I have any shame? I do have some.” He looked over at me. “Almost all the shame I’ve ever felt has to do with you. I hated lying to you, Poppy. I hated that I was capable of planning to take you—to use you—without ever knowing you. That I even have that capability inside me. I can feel shame for that, but if given the chance to do it again, I would do it exactly the same.”
Casteel’s gaze flickered over my face. “I wasn’t lying earlier when I said I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. It’s not that I wasn’t willing to use everything I had to gain your trust. If it took pretty words and kisses and my body, I would’ve used them all. I would have done anything to free Malik.”
But he wouldn’t.
He didn’t.
“That’s what the night in the Red Pearl was about. When you asked me why I would kiss you? Why I stayed in the room with you? It was because I knew I could use that to my advantage. I feel shame for that, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently.” He let his head fall back against the pillows, his gaze never leaving mine. “But I didn’t…I didn’t plan on actually enjoying your company. I didn’t plan on coming to look forward to talking to you. And I didn’t plan on the guilt that came with my actions. I didn’t plan on…well, I didn’t plan on caring about you.”
My breath snagged in my chest as a tremble coursed through me.
“I planned on taking you the night of the Rite. When I led you out to the garden. To the willow. Kieran and the others were waiting for us. I was going to take you then, while everyone else was busy, and before you even had an idea of what was happening.”
“But you didn’t.”
“If I had, you never would’ve witnessed Vikter’s death. You wouldn’t have seen any of that. Honest to gods, Poppy, I had no idea they were going to attack—”
“I know. I believe you.” And I did. His shoulders loosened. “Why didn’t you take me?”
“I don’t know.” His brows knitted. “No. That’s a lie. I didn’t take you then because I knew the moment I did, you would stop looking at me like…like I was just Hawke. You would stop opening up to me. Talking to me. Seeing me. You’d hate me. I wasn’t ready for that.”
I wasn’t ready for him to admit that.
He swallowed as his gaze lifted to the bed’s canopy. “When I touched you in the Blood Forest, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I…I wanted to be your first. I needed to be your first everything. Kiss. Touch. Pleasure.”
Oh, gods…
His jaw worked as he slowly shook his head. “Kieran…fuck, I thought he might actually punch me when he realized what I’d done. But he knew and…” Casteel cleared his throat. “The night in New Haven, when I came to your room, I didn’t plan that. I wanted it. Gods, did I ever. It was all I could think about it seemed, and damn if that wasn’t a fucking difference, but I didn’t plan to do that with you when you had no idea who I was.”
Pressure clamped down on my chest. “That’s why you didn’t want me to call you Hawke that night. I thought it was because that wasn’t technically your name.”
“It’s because you didn’t know who that name was attached to.” He dragged his teeth across his lip. “I should’ve walked out of that room. If I were a better man, I would’ve. I feel shame for that, but gods, I don’t regret it. How terrible is that?”
“I…” My throat sealed, and it took a bit for me to unclog it. “I hated that you weren’t honest with me then, but I don’t regret it. I never did.”
His gaze swung to mine. “Don’t say stuff like that.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes me want to strip you naked and sink so deep in you that neither of us will know where we start and end.” His eyes flared an intense gold. “And then we’d never finish this conversation.”
“Oh,” I whispered, his words sending a heated wave through me. “Okay, then.”
The smile returned, but it was quick to disappear. “What I said that night still holds true. I’m not worthy of you. I knew that then. I know that still. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you. That hasn’t stopped me from concocting a plan where I can have you, if only until this is over. It didn’t stop me from wanting everything from you. From pretending that I could have everything, Poppy.”
I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing.
“And I know you’re probably still angry with me about wanting to leave, wanting you to go with Kieran, but I…” He closed his eyes. “After what was done to me and everything that happened afterward, I didn’t think I was capable of truly wanting or needing someone like I do you. I didn’t believe it was possible. And there have been so many times, too many times, that I’ve wanted this to be real.”
“What part did you want to be real?”
“All of it. That I had accepted my brother’s fate. That I was bringing home my wife, and that…there was this future I no longer believed I would have. That was all I could think about earlier. The idea of you being here when they came. I felt the fear already. When that bastard Ascended took you at New Haven? I thought I’d lost you.” He swallowed again. “And I know too much has happened for any of that to be real. I know I’ve hurt you. I know when you said you carried the guilt for my actions, you weren’t lying. And I’m…gods, Poppy, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve everything that I’ve laid at your feet, and you sure as hell don’t deserve the fact that I’m still trying to hold onto you. That when it comes time for you to leave, I’m still going to want you. Even when you inevitably do leave, I’ll still want you.”
He would’ve let you go, but I doubt you would’ve been free of him.
Isn’t that what Kieran had said?
“I don’t know what any of that means. I’ve long since stopped trying to figure it out.” His lashes lowered, shielding his gaze. “Can you tell me? Can you read me and tell me?”
In that moment, I couldn’t concentrate enough to read a book, but I knew what I needed from him. “Tell me about her.”