Of course it couldn't stay like this for any longer, she thought bitterly, glancing up at the man who she adored.
He looked like he was about to do something so horrible that he might never recover from it. It made her heart sink immediately.
Six
Dice
They hadn't slept a wink, either of them. While his men were taking turns guarding the perimeter and listening in on the communications relayed between the bases in the region, occasionally answering using Prowler's homespun voice modification systems made to sound like one of the higher ranking wolves here, Dice had been sitting in that little room with Meredith, feeling like the scum of the Earth.
She'd been writing up everything she knew about The Arctics' operation for the past three hours, wrapped up in a blanket and sitting on the bed while Dice simply watched her. On occasion, she'd look up, their eyes would lock and a jolt of pain so raw and true ran through him that it threatened to take his breath away.
How can I give her back, he thought, the notion blinding him with how horrifying it was. How can I let her go?
The mission was simple enough. Shifter Squad Nine had been sent into Peru to take out both of The Arctics' main scientific outposts in the area, the one they were in now, and the airport they used to smuggle both drugs and their research results out of South America. It was supposed to be an in and out job, only made more complicated because of the source they needed to protect.
The source being Meredith.
But she wasn't going to be extracted. Oh no. Apparently, she was too valuable for that. Someone who'd been held by The Arctics for years and still hadn't lost her fire to rebel against them? That was rare. Spade had made it very clear to Dice.
He hid you from me for so long, he thought dully, watching her tap away on the screen, the blue light of the computer bathing her lovely features in an eerie glow.
Spade had made it abundantly clear that Dice could see Meredith, he could even have a night together with her if everything went according to plan, but in the morning, he'd have to let go. She'd be transported on the airplane with perfectly feasible excuses as to why the convoy was late – accidents happen, after all – and he'd watch the airplane take off and take her spirits know where before he'd tear through the airport and completely dismantle it.
"She's worth more to us on the inside. When she knows she has something to wait for, she'll be that much more useful. We can destroy them from the inside. You either accept this or I will not tell you where she is. And if you try to run, I will find you. I will find you both, and I will make sure that this time, she actually does die."
Spade's eyes when he had said all of that to Dice still haunted him. The man was so cold now, so detached from the world of the living, it seemed. A completely different beast than the smiling, powerful, but kind man Dice remembered. Spade had always been a wildcard, but never would Dice have thought him to become so outright cruel.
Whatever his reasons were, Dice didn't care. While he'd given Dice back hope for a better future, he was also subsequently robbing it from him, making him give back the one person he loved the most into the hands of some of the most dangerous criminals in the world. The whole concept was sickening.
Explaining it to Meredith had been even worse.
The way her eyes welled up with tears as she realized that her hell was not over and would only continue was unbearable. His bear raged against the thought, willing him to find a way – any way – that he could take Meredith and run and never look back.
But if there was one thing Dice knew for a fact then it was that he'd never get away from Spade. If the man decided to track him down, he'd do it. Hell, considering the current levels of loyalty he had from his own team, Dice was pretty fucking sure that one of them would shoot him in the head before he got ten paces from the compound. It was simply how it worked. Kill or be killed, eat or be eaten. And these men knew it as well as he did.
It didn't make it any easier.
"I think I'm done," Meredith said, her voice soft.
She gave him a semblance of a smile and Dice felt compelled to return it. He stood up, wearing only his camo pants, tracking across the floor to sit on the bed beside her. He didn't so much as look at what she'd written, simply saving it and notifying Prowler in the shared folder that he could transmit the data to command.
Closing the laptop, he put it on the counter where Meredith's glasses had been perched while they had sex, before turning to face her.
She looked so tiny now, curled up in the blanket, looking defeated and confused. He tucked one of her dark brown locks behind her ear, loving the way her skin was so smooth against his touch. To his relief, she didn't wince away from the touch. It would have probably killed him if she did.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he said, his voice breaking.
"You can't do anything about this," she answered, and he wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself.
Probably both.
"But I should be able to," he said, his voice shaking.
It was ironic. Here he was, at the peak of his physical fitness, feeling more in touch with his beast than ever before because he had his mate by his side, and he'd have to give it all away. Knowingly and willingly, he'd have to let go of the source of his power and his calm.
It had taken him years before he could look at himself in the mirror again and see anything else other than a failure, after he'd left her alone for a year last time and she'd disappeared. And now he was doing something so much worse that his brain barely comprehended the logic, the inevitability of it.
"We'll be together. You said they're interested in my research, what The Arctics are doing with what I've been working on. I've been dragging my feet on it for the last few years, taking one step forward and two back for no other reason than to drag it out. But I know it's important for The Arctics too. If I finish it, they'd have to take me to talk to some of the heads of research and that's what you guys want, right? To get the brains, take them out as fast as possible?"
Dice nodded, amazed.
She sounded far more convincing and uplifting in her resolve to make things work, to fix their future than he could force himself to be. The strength of character on this woman was amazing. Not only had Meredith been held away from her family for five years, but she hadn't even known how they were or what her captors intended to do with her.
Now, given a taste of freedom, she was still willing to go on with it all, in the name of a greater good.
Even if that greater good had a certain selfish undertone in the form of the two of them getting to spend the rest of their lives together, then it was still far more than Dice would be able to bear with a smile and a nod.
"I thought I was supposed to be the strong one," he said with a chuckle, looping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his embrace.
"Well, I've had to grow in the last few years," she said with a grin, her hands clasping around his abdomen and squeezing him.
"I think you're definitely winning in that department then," he admitted with a sigh, tightening the blanket around her shoulders before he picked her up and planted her on his lap so he could cradle her closer.
She dropped her head on his shoulder and the sweet perfume of her shampoo drifted into his nostrils. Dice would have been perfectly content simply sitting there with her forever, but as much as he wished that to be the case, he knew they were rapidly running out of time. So what's a bear supposed to do when he has a slice of heaven in his arms and he knows he has to give it up?
Without another thought, he kissed Meredith again, trying to distill every moment into something he could hold onto forever and never forget. She purred as their tongues slicked against one another, her taste driving him wild. Without even noticing he was doing it, his hands had begun to trace her body again, exploring it and memorizing all of her as best as he could.
"I'm sorry for so much of it," he said when they finally broke the kiss again, his eyes burning with real, honest grief. "I took things for granted. I should have never left for the mission without marrying you, you know. I was sure back then and I didn't act on it, I thought I'd give you more time to make up your mind."
He shook his head, wishing he could go back in time and kick his own ass. It was the least that he deserved, in his own honest opinion.