Look at me, Mum!
I am looking, pants Ruth. She ought to take a photo. Oh hell, wheres her phone?
When they get to the pier the donkeys turn round and Ruth gets her picture: Kate grinning happily, all tears forgotten, sun hat over one eye. The sky is the kind of blue that you associate with Italy, not Norfolk. Suddenly Ruth feels like crying. Its not fair that she has Kate in her Little Miss Sunshine top and pink sun hat. Judy should have Michael. They should all be here together – Nelson, Cathbad and Darren too – in a happy dysfunctional family.
Keep looking, Mum!
I can see you, shouts Ruth, wiping away tears and falling over a sandcastle.
Judy is lying down. People keep telling her to lie down, try to get some sleep, so it seems less trouble just to do what they want. Its odd how people think that being horizontal will somehow take away the pain of losing her only child. And she has lost him, shes sure of that. If a missing child isnt found in the first few hours, the prospect is always bleak. Poppy was a miracle and miracles dont happen twice. Its funny, she feels completely calm now. She has faced the worst that can possibly happen and honestly doesnt care whether she lives or dies. In a strange way it makes her feel strong, invincible. She could jump out of the window and maybe she would fall to her death and maybe she would fly. It doesnt really matter which.
She can hear Cathbad and Darren talking downstairs. It doesnt even feel odd any more to have them both in the house. In a strange way, it seems right that they should both be here. Shes dimly aware of feelings drifting under the surface. She knows that though no-one can actually comfort her, being with Cathbad makes things marginally less terrible. She knows that guilt about Darren is adding to her guilt about Michael. She knows that Cathbad knows this. She doesnt worry about the future because, without Michael, there will be no future.
She shuts her eyes and actually falls into an uneasy, fluttering sleep. She dreams of Michael, and even in her dream she knows this is a privilege – to see and hear him, she even imagines that she can feel him, the firm softness of his cheek, the feathery warmth of his hair. She is in the park, pushing Michael on the swings, higher and higher. A seagull is hovering overhead, crying and calling. Then the seagull turns into a man with huge, white wings. He swoops down on Michael and they fly away together. Michael is calling Mummy! Mummy! Judy wakes with a start.
Theres someone at the door. She hears the words found something and she forgets that she is resigned to the worst, that nothing bad or good can ever happen again, and she runs downstairs, her heart beating a timpani of hope and fear.
Have you found him?
CHAPTER 32
Its Nelson. He makes a gesture as if warding something off.
I need you to be calm, Judy. This might not mean anything bad.
Judy is aware that Cathbad and Darren are standing on either side of her.
Have you found him? she asks again, her voice completely steady.
No but … Nelson takes a step nearer and holds up a plastic bag. Inside is a blue-and-white-striped t-shirt. Darren lets out a strangled sound.
It was found in the river, says Nelson. It had floated downstream to Keepers Wood. Its his then?
In answer, Judy reaches out to snatch the bag. She holds it to her chest.
Well need to take it to the lab, Nelson says gently. Just to do a few tests. Then you can have it back, I promise. And, remember, the abductor changed Poppys clothes. Ten to one theyll have done the same with Michael.
Darren clears his throat. Did you … did you find anything else?
Nelson shakes his head. But were still looking. Weve got a full description of what he was wearing.
Judy says, Shes got his bag too. It had a change of clothing in it. Debbie gave it to her. She tries not to blame Debbie but this is particularly hard, imagining the childminder happily handing over Michael and his precious day-bag.
Nelson holds out his hand and, slowly, Judy passes over the T-shirt in its bag.
Well find him, he says, speaking directly to her. Well find him if it kills us.
Judy doesnt explode as she usually does with Nelsons promises. She looks at him almost as if she feels sorry for him. Goodbye, she says. And she turns and goes back into the house.
By six oclock Ruth is ready to drop. She is in her room, supposedly getting ready for the night shoot, but all she can think about is how good it would be to collapse on her bed and go to sleep. She doesnt dare even sit on the bed, partly because of the temptation to shut her eyes and partly because its freshly made. Jack and George are going to share the double bed tonight and Ruth is going to sleep in Kates room. Though neither of them actually mention the child abductions theres a general feeling that it would be better to have everyone sleeping in the house. Simon insists that hell be quite happy on the sofa. Ruth can hear him downstairs. Hes making spaghetti bolognaise, assisted by all three children. Ruth hadnt realised just how domesticated her brother was but it appears that he can cook, put up tents and make a dozen pots of tea a day. Cathy should try to hang on to him, she thinks. But presumably Cathy is trying to do just that in the only way she knows how; by pretending that nothings happening. Simon hasnt mentioned his domestic arrangements again but Ruth knows this whole trip is part of his rebellion against his wife. What would Cathy really hate? Simon getting on with his snotty sister, thats what.
And they are getting on well. They have had a great day. The boys loved Yarmouth and Kate was even persuaded to go on some of the gentler rides with them. They all ate fish and chips on the pier and the children made a giant sandcastle on the beach. Simon was an undemanding and tactful companion. He understood both that Ruth was sad about Michael and that she didnt want to talk about it all the time. He entertained the children and was prepared to carry Kate when she got tired. Seeing Kate on her uncles shoulders reminded Ruth of Frank and their walk along the river at Saxlingham Thorpe. She has had another message from him. See you later. Frank.
Now she checks her phone again. No message from Cathbad. Is she really expecting to hear that Michael has turned up, safe and well? She cant help hoping. They listened to the five oclock news in the car. Police are still searching … Ruth thought of Nelson, Clough and Tanya, how desperate they would be by now, how frantically they would be following up the smallest lead. Do they have any more leads, apart from the Childminder letter? Ruth types childminder into her phone. Like Tanya earlier, she gets a string of results: forums, helplines, horror stories from the past. Where would you start? Presumably Nelson has police files and past cases at his disposal, but how do you find someone who wants to stay hidden? How do you find a child when the world is full of children?
Looking at herself in the mirror, Ruth thinks of Mother Hook. Was she Franks wronged woman or something altogether more sinister? Does the so-called Childminder honestly think that they are looking after Michael? In a way Ruth hopes so, because that way he will stay safe. But if whoever it is wants Michael that much, maybe theyll never give him back. All day some lines from the terrible Book of Dead Babies have been echoing in her head.
You never spoke yet we miss your silence
You never walked but we miss your step.
Is this what Judy is condemned to? A lifetime of remembering? Ruth looks at her stricken face in the glass. How on earth are they all going to get through this night?
Its nearly eight when she arrives at the castle. Filming is due to start at nine. Its still light but the air has that charged feeling that you sometimes get at twilight, as if every object has been outlined in pencil. She can see lights being set up on the battlements and tents being erected in the castle grounds. It looks like the beginning of a siege.
Aslan is waiting for her in the car park.
Dani says can she have a word? In the truck.
Ruth remembers how, on the first day of filming, shed been surprised that people like Dani and Corinna didnt have trailers, places where they could receive visitors while lounging on sofas surrounded by flowers. She began to realise that Women Who Kill was being filmed on a pretty strict budget. The cameramen travel with their equipment in a truck and, for longer shoots, theres a catering van and a portaloo. Most meetings seem to be held in Corinnas hotel room, which is apparently the biggest. Ruth remembers her embarrassment at the only meeting that she attended, to find herself sitting on the double bed wedged between Dex and Frank while Aslan crouched in the en suite bathroom.
Now, in the back of the truck, Corinna looks furious to find herself perched on a packing case with a tripod in her ear. Frank is leaning against the door, obviously enjoying himself. Aslan ushers Ruth up the ramp like someone loading a horse into a trailer.
Wheres Dani? Corinna is demanding. Its bloody rude keeping us waiting like this. Night air is very bad for me, I have to be very careful of my chest.
Ruth cant prevent an involuntary glance at Corinnas chest, magnificently exposed in black velvet.
Shall I get you a coffee? asks Aslan. This, after all, is what he does best.
No thank you, darling, says Corinna, with dangerous silkiness. I just want to see our bloody director.
Now you see me, comes Danis voice. She bounds up the ramp carrying a clipboard. Shes wearing jeans and a thin T-shirt. Her only concession to the evening chill is a woolly cap.
Just want to give you a few notes, says Dani, ignoring both Corinnas hostility and her ostentatious shivering.