"Gray, I need … "
"Yeah, I know," he growled thickly. "Me, too."
His weight shifted and she grabbed on to him, trying to bring him back to the cradle of her hips. Dimly, she heard a drawer being opened, but she paid little attention. She was too busy wrapping her legs around his to hold him in place.
"Easy, beautiful." His voice was so hoarse she could barely understand the words. "I'm getting ready as quick as I can."
He lifted himself off of her and when he settled between her thighs again, his breath was ragged. The muscles of his body were quivering and twitching as he reached down and touched her most sensitive skin. She arched up against him, crying out.
"Oh, woman." His head dropped to her shoulder. "You want this as badly as I do."
His weight shifted. His fingers disappeared.
"Hold on to me," he said into her ear. "This is going to be fast and hard, but I'll make it up to you."
And then he entered her in a powerful rush. She winced in pain as he broke through, but the sensation dimmed as he went deep, deep into her. Immediately her body adjusted to his thick, long presence and a shock of pleasure shot through her belly like a shaft of sunlight.
She was so ready for him to start moving.
Except Gray didn't. He was utterly frozen. In the long period of motionless silence that followed, he didn't even seem to be breathing.
"Gray?" She ran her hands up his back. Sweat was running down his spine.
When he finally shifted his weight, it was to slowly withdraw from her. Inch by inch. Until he was out of her body.
And then he started to shake all over.
He grabbed the bedspread and yanked it off the floor, but his hands were trembling so badly, he fumbled as he tried to cover her up. When her body was no longer bare to him, he lay down next to her without touching her.
"Gray?" she said in the darkness. She could hear him breathing. And the tremors he was still racked by were transmitted through the mattress. "Gray?"
His hand gently stroked her hair back from her face. He was usually such a steady man, but his fingers were like leaves in the wind.
"Don't you want to … keep going?" she asked.
As he shook his head, she felt like bursting into tears.
"Then I should leave," she said, sitting up.
His arm came lightly around her waist. In spite of the strength she knew he had, he only applied a little pressure. The touch was like a request. And a humble one at that.
She lay back down. The arm slowly moved off her body, as if he didn't want her to feel trapped.
"I'm so sorry," he said. His voice was eerie. Strangled. With none of his usual arrogance or strength behind the words. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
"Actually, it was-"
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked softly.
"Would it have made a difference?"
"Of course it would have. I never would have taken you to bed if I'd known."
As if her virginity were a disease he didn't want to catch.
"Wow. That really makes me feel terrific."
He instantly took her hand. "You should have saved it for Tom."
Joy clenched her teeth. "If you bring him up one more time, I swear to God I'm going to scream."
"Fine. You should have saved it for someone who loved you."
Ouch.
"You know something, Gray, I think I really need to get going."
"No, stay. I promise I won't touch you again. I'd just be grateful if you'd … I'm afraid if you leave now, I'll never see you again, and I can't bear that."
"Listen to me," she said distinctly. "You didn't hurt me."
"I pushed you down on this bed. I threw your legs apart. And then I rammed myself inside of you." His voice thinned. "You're a vir-you were a virgin."
"I chose to be with you. I wanted you. You didn't do anything-"
"Don't you dare defend me," he growled. "This never should have happened."
She rolled over onto her back, thinking she disagreed.
Sure, he didn't love her. And yes, it would have been smarter to wait to make love for the first time with someone who did. But at this moment, she regretted the partial knowledge of him more than her decision to be with him in the first place.
Her body was aching from everything it had been promised and all it had been denied. Certainly, his was the same, too. Or had the idea that she'd never been with a man before been a total turnoff?
Damn. She was getting really good at shutting down his attraction to her, wasn't she? First the I love you fiasco. Now the virginity thing. Short of telling him she was pregnant, she figured she was almost out of shockers.
Yeah, well, it wasn't as if she had to worry about surprising him anymore. When was the next time she'd be anywhere near his sheets and blankets again?
"Sleep here tonight," he said.
She turned her head and looked across the pillow. She wished there was more light so she could read his expression better.
The thing was, she didn't want to go. She really didn't. Because maybe in the morning, they'd both make more sense. Maybe they could start over.
"Fine," she said. When she heard his breath release, she was surprised that her spending the night meant so much to him. "But, Gray?"
"Yeah?"
"This isn't over between us."
"I know. Believe me, I know."
* * *
GRAY WAITED UNTIL Joy's breathing was even before getting up and going to the bathroom. In the dark, he stripped the condom off of himself and flushed it, feeling like the worst kind of thug.
After he splashed some water on his face, he braced his hands against the sink and let his head hang loose.
God. Damn.
No miserable stunt he'd ever pulled in his life came close to what he'd done in that bedroom. All his other misdeeds were grains of sand. Numerous, but irrelevant in comparison.
When he'd barrel-assed into Joy's body, he hadn't been prepared for what he'd found. And he'd thrust so strongly, he hadn't been able to stop his body's momentum until he was deep inside of her. She'd been so tight, so good, so sweet. Even as horrible comprehension was dawning, a release like nothing he'd ever come close to had threatened to overcome him. He'd forced himself to be still, clenching the muscles in his body, squeezing his eyes shut. There'd been no way in hell he was going to let that pleasure out. Not after he'd hurt her like that.
It had taken a while until he'd been up to withdrawing and even his slow, measured retreat had pushed him back to the brink. When he was finally free of her, the torment of sexual denial had made him shake, the pain radiating out from his erection until he'd felt the sting in every hair on his head. But it couldn't have been worse than what he'd put her through.
Gray grabbed a towel and dried his face off.
He'd been so wrong about Joy. Or rather, he'd been right about her in the first place. And she had suffered for his mistake.
At least he knew exactly what he needed to do next.
Chapter Nine
THE NEXT MORNING Joy woke up alone in the big bed, still wrapped tightly in the comforter. Next to her, there was a deep indent on top of the duvet and a pillow wadded up into a ball.
She pushed her hair back, threw off the covers and got to her feet. When she returned from the bathroom in a robe, Gray was standing at the bed, fully clothed. And staring at the small spot of blood on the sheets.
He looked over his shoulder, eyes dilated.
"Are you okay?" he said roughly.
In a flash, she remembered what he'd felt like on top of her. Heavy, hard, strong. She was dying to have him again.
"Joy?"
"I'm perfectly fine."
His eyes traced over her body, but there was no heat in them. "May I bring you some breakfast?"
This was said as if she were a houseguest and not someone he'd been naked with the night before.
Joy shook her head. "I'm not hungry, but you can answer a question for me. How is it possible that we made love and now you look at me with clinical detachment?"
He closed his eyes, withdrawing even further. As if that were possible?
"First of all, that was sex last night. You deserved to be caressed and worshiped and entered gently. All you got was laid and laid badly. I will never forgive myself. And secondly, my primary concern is taking care of you, not making you feel awkward because I'm a leering son of a bitch."
Joy put her hands on her hips, taking strength from frustration.
"You know, I really need you to ditch the hair shirt you've strapped on." Her voice was strong, direct. She couldn't believe she was talking to him with such authority. "I still want you. You gave me so little of what we both needed-"
"I gave you every inch and then some. Until you bled."
"Will you let me finish? You pulled out so fast, I didn't even have a chance to get used to you. To feel you. I want to know what it's really like. With you."
"Someday, a man will love you rig-"
"Spare me the fairy tale, okay?" she snapped. "Just because I haven't had a lover before, doesn't mean I can't make my own decisions. I want you. I chose you."
"I didn't deserve the gift!" His voice boomed through the room, self-hatred rolling off him in waves.
"I think you did," she said quietly.