Before I can respond, the rest of the gang comes bounding through the crowd, laughing jovially. I grin inwardly as the conversation was becoming too intense for the lively atmosphere. Miguel pulls Morgan's svelte frame into his and I cock a brow at the public display of affection. Morgan plants a kiss on his full lips and wraps her arms around him, causing a nearly audible gasp of surprise to leave my lips. Have I been so caught up in my own drama that I have totally failed to see what has been going on right in front of me? I silently scold myself; I've been a horrible friend.
Realizing how much all of us have been through in the past year yet somehow we are still intact makes me smile. Our friendships have changed, we've grown, we've matured, but we are still together. These four people before me have seen me through the toughest times of my life. And though things have been shaky between us, I know we'll survive anything that life may throw at us. We have to. Because if there is anyone who is worth surviving for- is worth fighting for- it's them.
"Hey Gabs, get a picture of us!" Morgan shrieks, laughing into Miguel's neck as he hoists her leg up around his waist provocatively.
I fish out my little rinky-dink digital camera and capture the moment. "Ok, now all of you get in it!" I exclaim, gesturing for Jared and James to join the frame. They all strike equally silly poses while I snap a few more.
"Oh, crap," I frown down at my camera. "Says my memory is full. Let me clear out some pics." I hit the button to review my photos and scroll through. Then it tumbles from my fingertips, crashing to the floor with a clatter.
Jared rushes to my side, picking up the camera before assessing my stunned, watery gaze. "What's wrong, Gabs?" he asks, his brow furrowed with worry.
I can't answer him. I can't say a thing in fear that every squelched emotion will come flooding back to me. Jared looks down at my camera and begins to scroll through the photos that caused me to freeze in horror. Photos of Dorian and me that day at the park music festival back in the Spring. Photos when I thought I was truly happy. Pictures of us smiling, kissing, hugging, making funny faces. Candid shots of him looking away thoughtfully. A few of him looking at me with my favorite crooked, mischievous grin as if he adored me.
I look over at my friends who are none the wiser at my impending meltdown then my eyes lock with Jared's emerald green pools. He's worried and maybe a little sad for me. I open my mouth to say something but no sound escapes.
"Hey guys, I'm not feeling well all of a sudden," he shouts over to our group of cackling friends. "You guys party on. Gabs, think you could give me a ride?" he asks looking down at me sympathetically. I nod and Jared gingerly intertwines his finger with mine.
We bid our friends goodbye and make our way back to Paralia per Jared's request. I don't question him; I am just thankful for the distraction. Now more than ever I am thankful at how well he knows me. Maybe he is just as hell-bent on protecting me from myself as everybody else is.
I retreat to my room to strip out of my tight clothing and slip on some sweats while Jared rummages through the kitchen. I need comfort right now. I need to feel somewhat whole again.
"So let's see … we've got grapes, cheese and some frou-frou girly pink champagne," Jared smiles entering my room just as I am removing my makeup.
"Sounds good," I grin genuinely before joining him on the floor where he's laid out my comforter and some throw pillows for a makeshift picnic. I take a hefty gulp of the champagne, urgently trying to wash away the memory of the picnic Dorian prepared for us months ago. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, he consumes every thought and I hate it.
"So … ," Jared begins, fingering a grape nervously. "Have you seen him? Since then?"
Great. He wants to talk about the very thing I need to forget. I shrug. "Yeah. We've talked. I've tried to forgive him but there are just some things that are unforgivable."
"Yeah, I know," he replies, not meeting my gaze. He frowns into the champagne flute in his hand. "She called me and tried to explain. But I couldn't believe it, you know. I couldn't let her keep lying to me."
A sympathetic hand grasps his, causing him to look up. I plaster on my best reassuring smile. "You really did care about her, huh?"
"I thought I did," he shrugs. "But honestly, I was more upset about losing you than losing her. I was just mad and I didn't know why. I knew you were hurting and I couldn't even comfort you because I was too caught up in my own selfish anger."
I nod, not quite sure what to say but don't move my hand away. Jared squeezes it gently. "Ok, enough of the heavy stuff. We need music," he announces, jumping to his feet to tinker with my sound system. He settles on Justin Timberlake before flopping back down and kicking off his shoes. "Ok, truth or dare?"
My eyes grow wide with playful shock. "Oh, hell no! I haven't played that game since high school!"
"All the more reason to play it with me now. Come on, Gabs, it's only us!" he smiles brightly.
I roll my eyes and let out a puff of air. "Fine, fine! But I get to go first!" Jared gestures for me to proceed and I perk up into a wicked grin. "Truth or dare?"
"Hmmm, I'll go with dare."
I look up to the ceiling, thinking of what I could dare him to do without crossing any unseen lines. "I dare you to down the rest of your champagne."
"Too easy," he snorts before tipping the glass up and downing its contents in one gulp. "Ok, my turn. Truth or dare?"
"Truth," I say with an exasperated sigh. This could go very wrong in about 2.5 seconds.
"Is it true that … you hooked up with Trevor Mason in the 11th grade?"
"What?" I exclaim, more than happy that he didn't ask me anything about Dorian or the past 9 months. "No way! He told you that?"
Jared shrugs refilling our champagne glasses. "Hey, according to him, you guys got it on in the coat closet at Becca Franklin's house."
"Well, that is so untrue. I should totally kick his ass the next time I see him." I take a sip of my champagne then pop a grape into my mouth. "Ok, your turn. Truth or dare?"
"What the hell, I'll take truth," he smiles before taking a sip.
"Ok. I've always wondered but never thought it was my place to ask. But … why slum it at community college? Why didn't you just enroll at UCCS to begin with? Your grades were surely good enough. Mine, not so much. But you could've definitely gotten in."
Jared runs a hand through his wild auburn locks and makes a face at the ceiling. His green eyes fall back to me as he sighs, releasing his reluctance. "Honestly? You, Gabs. I went for you. I wanted to be wherever you were."
Shock paints my face. "Really?" I ask with a wavering voice. "Why?"
He smiles and grasps my hand in his, studying our conjoined fingers. "Because I knew a long time ago that you were the one for me. There may have been other girls but they were just temporary placeholders for you."
He lifts his head, his dazzling greens finding my eyes and holding them captive with his intensity. "Gabs, I know you. I know you like to play tough to keep people from getting close to you. I know you crack jokes to mask your insecurities. And I know you think that being alone will keep you from getting hurt. And knowing all that, plus everything else that makes you the crazy as hell, shit-talkin' chick that you are, I still wanted you. And I still do."
I have no idea how to respond to that yet a million thoughts rush to the forefront of my mind. I've loved this man for longer than I can remember. There was a time that I would have done anything- been anything- for him. I can't deny the love I have for him, and I know that those feelings will always be there. Whether or not that type of love could grow into a romantic relationship is the question.
Maybe I am meant to be with Jared. Maybe he is exactly what I need: stability, compassion, goodness. Maybe he is the one anchoring me to my human life, a life that I so desperately need to hang on to. Everything that has happened to me has proven that I have no place elsewhere. I'm right back to where I started. I still don't fit in.
Jared assesses the mix of emotions flashing across my face. "Gabs?" he squeezes my hand a bit, trying to bring me back to the here and now. "Gabs, truth or dare?"
Here it is- that pivotal moment when you're standing at a proverbial crossroads. Jared has just bared his soul to me and in turn, he deserves that I do the same. With just a few simple words, I could give him what he wants. I could make him happy. But in the same token, I could completely crush him. And that's the last thing I want to do to him, no matter which way this goes.
"Dare," I whisper.
Jared tugs my hand a bit, pulling me forward and closing the distance between us. Then he utters the words that have been on the tip of his tongue since he divulged his true feeling for me. "Kiss me."
Instinctively, I moisten my lips with a sweep of my tongue and sit up on my knees. It's just a kiss, a simple show of emotion towards someone I care about deeply. And who's to say that I could not love him like I used to? Dorian may consume a large part of my heart, and maybe he always will. But there's room for Jared. There's always been room for Jared.
The moment our lips touch, I melt into him. Jared holds me gently at the small of my back, pulling me close to his body. It feels safe and inviting here. It feels like home.