I shrug, hoping to make light of the situation and convince myself that I'm alright, that I'm only imagining the aching in my tight chest. When I finally will myself to look back up to meet Dorian's eyes, I see that his expression is one of anguish and sorrow. Shit. I must've hit the nail right on the head. That or he feels sorry for me, the pitiful little girl who sits stripped and naked before him. Either conclusion is unbearable.
Dorian swallows then looks down as he formulates the most tactful way to confirm my fears. When his eyes meet mine, there is something in them. Regret. But why? "Gabriella, I could never marry you."
Ouch. Though I expected that reaction, I can't halt the debilitating ache radiating in my chest, making its way up to my throat in the form of an agonized knot. I try to steady my breathing, trying to reel my emotions in, but I can't mask the pain that I know is surely engraved on my now pale face. I turn my head to look away, too pained and afraid to look this truth in its ugly face.
"I wouldn't do that to you," he continues, shaking his head. "I would love nothing more than to spend my life with you. You know that. But marrying you is something else entirely. For my kind, that is."
"Is it?" I whisper, my throat tight and raw.
Dorian nods solemnly. "I am in succession to the throne. One day I will be king, if I live to see that day. Marrying you will make you queen. It will completely thrust you into the Dark. You don't want that. I don't want that. You deserve a normal life. You deserve a choice."
Huh? A life without Dorian? That's not a choice; that's a death sentence.
"Then why did you make me think we'd be together forever? If you wanted me to lead a normal life? You want me to choose someone else?"
"I don't want it, but it's not fair of me to expect you to settle for this," he says with a wave of his hand. "For me." Settle for Dorian? He thinks I'm settling? What the hell? "And I will always be with you. Even if it's merely watching you in the shadows. I have no choice in the matter. I am completely addicted to you."
"So this has nothing to do with me not being enough for you? Enough to sustain you?" I look back down at my hands. "And not being able to give you children?"
"Absolutely not!" he suddenly shouts, causing my head to snap back up to gauge his furious expression. "Stop saying that! You are enough, Gabriella! I know you can't conceive; I've always known. And I don't care. You are all I want, do you understand me? You and only you!"
Dorian's passionate declaration causes tears to prick the rims of my eyes. I blink furiously trying to dismiss them, yet one solitary hot tear escapes and slides down my cheek. I look up at him through glassy eyes, too overwrought with emotion to say anything in response in fear that more tears will quickly follow. Seeing me desperately trying to maintain my composure, Dorian pulls me into his arms, burying my face into his chest as he strokes my hair. I breathe in the freshness of his skin and let the euphoric scent soothe my aching heart.
"You are enough, little girl. You are everything," he whispers into the crown of my head. And I cry silent tears into the warmth of his smooth, bare chest.
Chapter Fifteen
With the falling of the first leaves of autumn, I fall deeper into the life that was set out for me, deeper into my destiny. With Dorian. Things have been oddly normal, a feeling I used to despise about my once mundane life. But now it's something that I crave, something that I haven't felt since I was nineteen. I have finally begun to accept that this is my new normal. My life will never go back to the ordinary charade it once was. Not to mention, waking up to the mouthwatering supernatural being beside me is anything but ordinary.
"Good morning, beautiful girl," Dorian murmurs in my hair. His eyes are still closed and his body is tangled with mine in a tight embrace.
"Good morning. Sleep well?"
"Mmmm, I'm not sure I'm done sleeping yet. I was having the most magnificent dream."
"Oh? About what?" I reach my hand up to play in his black tousled locks. His bed head is extraordinarily sexy.
"If I tell you, than it won't come true. And I so desperately want it to be true," he says, inhaling the fragrance of my hair.
I feel the hardness of his morning erection against my thigh and reflexively rub against it. "Sure there's no way I can persuade you to tell me?"
Tap, tap, tap.
"Hey, Gabs, it's me, can I come in?" Morgan calls out from the other side of my bedroom door.
"Pretend like you're asleep!" I whisper furiously to Dorian. He smiles and buries his face into the pillow. After I ensure his naked body is completely covered and slip on my robe, I open my bedroom door to greet my best friend and roommate. "Hey Morg, what's up?"
Morgan peers into my room and spies Dorian lying in my bed, pretending to be asleep. "Oh shit, Gabs, my bad. I didn't know he was here," she whispers. "Just really quick … I am in need of some ‘lady products,' if you know what I mean. I just ran out. Got any to spare?"
"Sure." I wave let her in, waving her towards my bathroom. Once we enter, I close the door and search for my stash of tampons under the sink. "Here. You can have them all," I say handing her an unopened box.
"Are you sure?" she asks with a bewildered look. "If I'm on mine, then you should be on yours too." She nods her head towards the door, towards the beautiful naked man sleeping in my bed before her face turns into a combination of disgust and amusement. "Ew! You dirty whore!" she shrieks playfully.
I gasp at Morgan's heinous insinuation. "Morgan! Keep your voice down!" I whisper furiously. "And no, I'm not on my period!" Shit! I know Dorian can hear every word and I am utterly mortified.
"What? How is that possible? We've been synced up since high school, Gabs. Like clockwork." Morgan's eyes suddenly grow wide with sheer horror, her jaw nearly hitting the tiled floor. "Gabs, when was your last period?"
"What? I don't know." I rack my brain, trying to recollect the date, chewing my lip until it hurts. "Um, a couple months, I guess." Yeah, that's right. Dorian was trying desperately to convince me that he didn't care, that the blood didn't bother him. As extremely difficult and physically painful it was to deny him, I refused, opting to engage in … other activities to keep us both satisfied.
"Oh my God, Gabs! You're pregnant!" she exclaims. I instantly shush her but her shocked expression and flailing arms say it all.
"No, I am not, Morgan." Right? Shit. Has it really been that long since my last period?
"Holy fuck, Gabs, I think you are! Come on, I think I have an emergency pregnancy test in my room." She exits in a flourish to find said test and I dash to the bed where Dorian is already sitting up, wearing only a solemn expression.
"Did you hear what she just said?" I whisper almost embarrassed at the thought.
Dorian nods. "You aren't though, little girl. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I'm glad. I didn't really think I was anyway," I mutter, a hint of sadness in my voice.
I'm definitely relieved yet part of me grieves for the babies that will never grow in my womb. The realization that I will never be a mother, will never share life with another being, pummels me. I never truly thought about having children until I found someone I wanted to spend my life with. And accepting that I will never give Dorian sparkling blue-eyed, raven-haired babies knocks the wind right out of me. Will my love be enough to placate him? Knowing that I can never give him an heir?
Dorian leans forward and leaves a single chaste kiss on my forehead as I try to fight a wave of fresh tears. Before he can invoke any further emotion, I flash him a manufactured smile and quickly exit the bedroom, hoping to mollify Morgan with a negative pregnancy test and put all talk of motherhood and babies to rest.
By Sunday, I am over the pregnancy scare but deem it necessary to discuss my dilemma with Donna, the only mother I have ever known. She has prepared a roasted chicken with spiced sweet potatoes and sautéed green beans for our weekly family dinner and I have opted to watch her cook in hopes that some of her culinary skills will rub off on me. No use in making myself totally un-wifely.
I take a sip of the crisp white wine that Chris has poured for us before escaping to the living room to watch football. This is as good a time as any to broach the sensitive subject. "Hey Mom, can I ask you something?"
"Sure honey," Donna replies, basting the golden brown bird.
"Is it normal for me to not have a period? I mean, without being pregnant?"
Donna looks up to meet my awkward gaze. This is the first time I've ever alluded to being sexually active, though I'm sure she knows that I am no angel. "I'm so sorry, Gabi. It's starting. The process. The curse is changing you. To ensure you don't procreate."
"So it's final? I'll never have children? There's nothing that can be done?"
Maybe I wasn't over it entirely. Not only has the man I love professed to never marry me, I can't even have a child of my own. And though I honestly have no plans of starting a family any time soon, the revelation that I will never have one truly breaks my heart.