My mother rolled her eyes lovingly. "Shears, my doll they are called shears."
"Whatever." I tossed the shears on our outdoor table just as my father emerged from the direction of the shed.
"What are my girls bickering about now?" He asked, looking at the three of us, pretending to glower.
I rushed up to him clutching his arms dramatically. "Daddy please tell these evil women that I do not waddle. I'm barely pregnant!" I exclaimed falsely. Dad hauled me into his arms and put his chin on my head.
"You my beautiful girl do not waddle." He reassured me, I sighed into his embrace. "You galumph, and it's adorable." His voice was amused.
I extracted myself from his arms and glared. "You are all bullies. My own family! I know if Ian was here he would … " I stopped abruptly, hands over my mouth as the dark shadow of my words settled over us all. The smiles and jokes were gone, replaced by sadness and grief, I struggled under the weight of it. I hadn't said his name since … No.
"Mouse." Dad said softly, his voice raw.
I took a deep breath and pulled myself together. "Excuse me everyone, I'm covered in garden scum, I must change before we head to the spa. I would frighten the public like this." My voice was saturated with forced cheerfulness and I ignored the worried faces of my loved ones. Without waiting for a response I quickly dashed back into the house. When I reached my room I slammed the door behind me, collapsing against it, closing my eyes. I mustn't let myself think, about it, I mustn't remember.
I went to my closet, eyes avoiding every picture I knew would destroy me. I had memorized where they were, I knew where I couldn't look. I could have taken them down. But that would mean touching them, god forbid I got a glance at the photo inside the frame. It was worse in the rest of the house. My mother decorated in memories.
I distracted myself with what I was going to wear. And that was a good distraction; my growing belly had had a huge effect on my fashion choices. I had pretty much had to overall my entire wardrobe, not that that was a chore. Plus I would've had to do it anyway considering most of my stuff was in the States. Tut tut Gwen. I mustn't let my mind wander that way either. My stomach had gone from flat to baby bumpin almost overnight. The doctor was right. At least I had bypassed the awkward ‘is she fat or pregnant' stage. I was definitely pregnant. At four months, I had kept my small frame, which made my baby bump all the more prominent. I was all belly, and boobs. I was more than a little pleased my lady lumps had grown a bit bigger. I chose a mocha coloured maxi dress that was tight and gently hugged my belly. I slung a braided belt just underneath the swell of my stomach and wrapped a scarf around me neck. I put on some boots and a denim jacket to ward off the chill, it was autumn at home now, the weather was slowly warming up, but the air still had a bite. I inspected myself in the mirror. My hair had grown a bit longer, and thanks to the same hormones I mostly cursed, it made it full and shiny. That was the only thing I had of the so called pregnancy glow. Due to constant morning sickness, which had barely let up, my face looked sallow. The makeup which usually covered the dark circles under my eyes was absent so my lack of sleep was obvious, the worst thing was my eyes. They were empty. I tried as hard as I could to plaster a fake smile, to seem like I was healing, hell sometimes happy. But I couldn't hide the dead that was staring back at me, the life that was gone from my eyes. It took all of my effort just to get out of bed every morning, to act like every breath I took wasn't agony.
I could try and tell myself it was all from losing … him. But I would be lying. The person that held some of my light, the person that maybe had a shot of putting it back in my eyes, he was on the other side of the world. I hadn't spoken to him since that day outside the hospital. Not for his lack of trying, he called daily. Multiple times, never mind the time difference, I wondered if he ever slept. I didn't answer the phone anymore. I was a coward and let Amy or my parents do it, I couldn't hear his voice. I knew he was upset. Upset was maybe too light of a word. I had heard him screaming through the phone at Amy one day, demanding to speak to me.
"You calm down right now biker boy, or I am disconnecting this number and making sure no one will speak to your cheating ass. The only reason we don't all hang up on you is because Lacey has us all convinced you have a right to know about your kid. But you keep talking to me like that I face Lacey's wrath and never let you speak to anyone here again. Comprende?"
I had let that conversation bounce off me, not letting it sink in. Like I did with most things that threatened my mental shield. The only reason why he wasn't here right now was because of something to do with his record and New Zealand's policy with people with convictions. Someone kept delaying the legal proceedings, which he needed to go through to get in the country, which I was grateful for. Or told myself I was grateful for. I couldn't admit to myself that I was yearning for him, craving him like a drug. He must've felt the same because after a phone call with him, my Dad had hung up and said, "I wouldn't be surprised if that boy sprouted wings and flew himself down here." I pretended not to hear the grudging respect that crept into his tone.
So here I was, the Queen of Denial, my hold on the title was shaky, but I refused to let it go. I heard a soft knock on my door before it opened slightly.
"Can I come in Mouse?" Dad asked.
"Yeah Dad." I replied, sighing and walking out of my closet.
He stood in the middle of my room, staring at one of the pictures I was forbidden to look at. The look in his eyes couldn't be described as merely sad. More like anguished, ruined, destroyed. It quickly flickered away and his strong dad mask settled back in, he looked me up and down smiling.
"Didn't think you'd ever get prettier darling, but with my grandbaby inside you, you are magnificent."
My eyes prickled. "Thanks Daddy."
"Now I know you won't talk to me about before … " he started and I interrupted.
"Please Dad." I begged, not wanting someone else trying to force me to talk, Dad had let me be so far.
"No I won't say anything, you'll talk when you are ready sweet girl. But sit with me a sec." He sat himself down on my sleigh bed, patting the flowered duvet beside him. I paused for a moment before I sat down next to him.
"You know how happy I am to become a grandpa." He started carefully and I tensed.
"Don't get defensive yet Gwen. I can't wait to meet that little baby. I know that him or her is going to have so much love surrounding it, it's going to be a lucky kid." He paused and I waited for it. "But that kid also needs its father. Nothing can replace a fathers love, I'm telling you that from experience." His eyes twinkled,
"I know there are some problems with you and this Cade fella. I ain't going to try and give an opinion on your private relationship that's between the two of you. Problem is, there not just two of you anymore." He gazed pointedly at my stomach before continuing. "Now when that boy isn't yelling down the phone, I get the impression he cares a great deal about you and that baby. Hell I think you are what tethers him to this earth. I say this cause I know how that feels. Cause I feel that bout your mother, you," his voice cracked, "and your brother. I can't say I'm too happy about the fact that the reason he's not here is due to problems with the law. I can't judge the man based purely off that though. I know little about the man, but what I do know is he loves my baby girl, and is desperate to see you, hear your voice. I also know that your brother approved of him, the last time I spoke to him I was not feelin the love towards your new man, I was so worried I thought about hopping on a plane. Your brother stopped me, I trusted his judgment." He cleared his throat, "So maybe consider picking up the phone, cause I know you might need to talk to him just about as much as he talks to you."
I opened my mouth to argue, but I knew my argument was weak, so I closed it again.
"I support you in anything you do honey. I've said my piece. I want more than anything is my baby girl happy. Which I know you ain't now." He finished softly.
"I don't know if I can ever be happy again Daddy." I declared my biggest fear brokenly.