I felt it, the sick, curling up in my belly, the poison of the memories that would taint what we had. I couldn't have my happiness for a second without this eating at me, so much Cade noticed and he wasn't going to give up until he knew. Then he probably wouldn't want me. Because I was broken, scarred, dirty.
His jaw was hard, but his gaze was tender. I knew he felt anger, without even knowing what actually happened he was already pissed off.
"Cade." I whispered brokenly. "You don't want to know."
"Gwen, I do." He said firmly. "I need to know so I can start fixing you." Her grey eyes fixed on me, determined.
I felt the blow in my stomach. Fix me? Then he knew I was broken. If he knew that there was no hope for me anyway, I knew he wouldn't let this go. I took a deep breath, preparing. I looked at his face, at his strong jaw, covered in dark stubble. I struggled to meet his gaze, but I had to, one last time before it was full of pity and disgust. I watched him for a long moment before I began.
"I moved to New York when I was twenty one. Always knew I wanted to, since I was little, I'd tell people I was going to live in New York. Manhattan to be exact. People in my small town in New Zealand, didn't really know what to say to that, they would mostly shrug it off, no one really left. Maybe to move a couple of hours away, but few really saw the world. So they dismissed me. I was determined."
Cade smirked, the half smile breaking the hard expression on his face. "Bet you were baby."
I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my nerves.
"Anyway, after seeing the wrong side of the tracks for a year, I nearly lost my dream, but luckily I had someone to set me straight. I got my shit together, got a degree and moved to New York. Never been happier, had my apartment, had a job. Had my city." I smiled at the memory how young I was, how carefree.
"I met Amy, we were friends instantly, made heaps of other new friends, there were some guys, no one special." I took a deep breath, didn't meet Cades eyes. "Then I met Jimmy. He was different than all my glossy Manhattenite friends. He was a biker, wore a cut, rode a Harley and was gorgeous. I was infatuated, whether it was the novelty of being with a ‘bad boy' a real one, so different than my new friends and my old ones, his dangerous but exciting world enticed me, sucked me in."
Cade watched me intently jaw hard, super alert since I mentioned Jimmy wore a cut. I soldiered on.
"I got immersed in his world, I spent too much time with him, not enough with my friends. I'm not stupid I knew he was into shady stuff, but he never let me see too much, I didn't really want to know so I never asked. Stupid, naïve." I shook my head, angry with my past self. "Anyway, one night I went to visit him at his apartment, which I never did, cause he lived in a seriously dangerous part of town. He didn't like me coming there, but I had a surprise for him for his birthday, I was excited. So when I walked up his stairs I wasn't prepared to see Jimmy blow someone's head off, to feel their blood on my cheek."
"Jesus, Fuck, baby." Cade muttered holding me tight.
I continued on, ignoring him, lost in my memory. I was so scared that night, I had just seen a man die, watched the man I loved kill someone.
"His name was Carlos." I paused. "The man Jimmy murdered, his name was Carlos. He had three children and a wife, he was just a regular guy who made a couple of stupid choices, which led to him owing the club money. Money, which he couldn't pay back. So Jimmy murdered him." My voice was small and weak.
Cades hand circled my back. I looked at him, tears glistening in my eyes.
"His wife's name was Rosa, she loved him with all her heart. His children were five, seven and fifteen."
"You were close with him baby?" Cade asked softly eyes never leaving mine.
I was surprised at his question.
"No. Didn't know him." I replied.
This was Cades turn to look surprised. His expression was intense, unreadable.
"I found out who we was, after. Wanted to know. Needed to. I saw a mans life end in front of my eyes, I wanted to know who he left behind. I talk to Rosa at least once a month." I didn't mention that I also give her monthly payments to help her keep her children fed and clothed.
"Anyway, after I saw that I ran, I didn't think. I don't know how he didn't catch me, I don't think he realized I was really there until I was halfway down the stairs. I heard him yell to me, I kept going. I managed to get to my car, somehow." It was a miracle I had a car. No one in Manhattan had a car, but I did, since I had always had one and didn't like the feeling of not having one here in an unfamiliar country.
"I don't know why I didn't drive to a police station," I shrugged. "I was in shock I think, flight instinct firmly in place. I made it to my apartment and started to pack a bag. Don't know why I did that either, my plan was to leave, get on a plane and get the fuck out." I didn't think at that point I was a witness to murder I was too freaked.
"As I was packing, I heard banging at the door, hard, loud. I knew it was Jimmy's boys, I had met them before, knew they were bad straight off. Seen it in their eyes, but I was blind, blind to Jimmy. I was in love." I scoffed. "Or thought I was. "Anyway, they kicked the door down, came at me and punched me. I'd never been punched before, it hurt."
Cade's arms were now vices and anger radiated from him. I swear he was shaking with it, I thought his jaw might shatter it was clenched so hard. I kept talking.
"I blacked out, or they knocked me out, I'm not sure which. I woke up, in a warehouse, naked, tied up. That's when I saw Jimmy, really saw him, the evil. Saw past his charm and good looks that he wore like a mask. He beat me, they watched, the big men with their cuts, their evil smiles, sometimes throwing in a kick. They did it for hours, always stopping before I passed out. Then Jimmy decided they would rape me, him first for old times sake." I rolled my eyes, engrossed in my very own horror story I didn't notice Cade shaking with rage. "By this time, he had fractured my skull, dislocated my shoulder, broken my wrist, and ribs. And his buddies had kicked me so hard I was bleeding internally. I was dying. But he still decided that wasn't enough. I was also to be gang raped. Luckily, by then I had been missing for over twenty four hours, my neighbors heard the break in, saw me getting carried off, the police lucked out, someone caught the plates on the van I was taken in. They found me, just in time." I was still so lost in the story, I still didn't notice Cade, lying like a stone, arms around me.
"What I also didn't know was police had been looking for Jimmy, for like a long time. He was a very wanted man, top 10 must wanted in America. I didn't know I was sleeping with a murderer, a rapist, a sadist. I thought I loved him. I know now I didn't, that it wasn't real." Tears welled up in my eyes and I didn't let them fall. "I spent one month in the hospital, six more recovering, doing rehab. I tried to go back to work, tried to stay in my city, but I couldn't. And one day, I found Amber, and it just made sense. This place, it was me I could heal here, forget." I took a deep breath, needing to get it all out. "That's why I reacted the way I did when I first saw you, when I saw the guys from the club. They brought up some memories I had associated with bikers. I know now that you're different, but it was still a world that represented everything I went through."
I finally got out of my trance and looked up at Cade, realizing something was wrong. He was beyond angry there was no word to describe the sheer rage that was written all over his face.
I laid my hand on his chest and pushed up a bit, "Honey … " I whispered softly.
"Gwen get off me." He hissed.
I felt the sick feeling in the pit of my gut again, a blow connected with my stomach like I had been physically punched. I didn't say a word, just crawled off him, defeated. He knifed up, walking to the wall, punching it viciously. I jumped as he put his fist through the plasterboard, dust flying everywhere.
"FUCK!" He bellowed before putting both hands to his head and looking down at the floor. I watched him cautiously unsure of what to do, I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but I had never seen anyone this angry. Not even Ian, and he saw me bruised and battered and almost dead. I guess maybe he checked it, saw I couldn't deal. Cade most definitely hadn't checked it. I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling exposed. I threw on his tee, unsure if this was the right move, but I knew if he told me to leave I'd take this, as a reminder. He sensed my movement, his eyes roamed to me. Something registered, his expression changed and he slowly approached the bed, crouching in front of me. Anger saturated his expression before it softened.