"What do you have to say for yourself, Cimil?"
The room waited with bated breath.
Cimil shrugged. "Touchdown, baby!"
That was not what Penelope had hoped for. "Really? Touchdown. That's it?"
"What can I say? I'm like those guys who scrape roadkill from the highway or clean out Porta-Potties. I do what I gotta to. And I leave the world a better place. Less stinky. You know."
"But Cimil, that's not an excuse." Penelope had hoped with all her soul that there was some sort of logical explanation. Because despite everything, she liked the batshit crazy goddess. She'd saved Penelope's life once. Not to mention her mother's.
Cimil smiled. "Of course it is. I am the only one powerful enough, smart enough, and with balls big enough to make the hard choices."
Un-frigging-believable. "But people died, Cimil, suffered, because of you. You broke Chaam's soul, used him to murder hundreds of women. You created vampires! And the Maaskab!"
Cimil raised her index finger in the air. "Correction! The Maaskab created vampires. One of those bastard priests plucked out my heart to save Roberto and make him immortal."
The room gasped.
Cimil glowed. "Well, the heart grew back. And I'd like to point out that the priest didn't create evil vampires; he created plain old vampires. Vampires have free will just like humans. Bad apples are the result of an individual's choice. Or hanging with Minky. In any case, their creation was not a crime."
"How about aiding the evil vampires and Maaskab?" Penelope argued.
"Ah! All true!" Cimil replied. "But look at the joy and life that rose from the ashes. The Maaskab brought us their dark magic, the black jade that has enabled us to physically be with humans, to have children, families! Now we have the Payals, the result of Chaam's evil detour, including Emma, the love of our brother Votan's life. As for vampires, they have become our friends, our lovers, and have served as a constant reminder to us all that change is possible. Every disaster, death, challenge, and tragedy we've faced has made us richer, braver, wiser. Because of this, some of us have been able to find eternal love. So had I not played my evil role, we would have gone mad and destroyed the planet."
"I hope you understand," said Kinich, "that when I say this, I mean it. Bullshit! You've already admitted that you can't see the future. I think you got lucky. I think you sought to destroy us all, to terrorize us for your own amusement, and it was by the grace and mercy of the Universe that balance was restored, that good came out of it."
Cimil swiped her hand through the air. "Oh, pashaaaw! Do you not see? That is my role. That's who I am! My job is to burn it all down! Burn it to the ground. So the Universe can build something new. I am winter. I am Sam. I like green eggs and ham."
Roberto moved to Cimil's side. "She speaks the truth, though not about the green eggs, obviously. However, I have witnessed the invisible force that compels her to destroy, even when her intensions are pure. I watched her for thousands of years as she refused to play her role, tried to do the opposite of anything her instincts dictated. It only made things worse, moved us one step closer toward annihilation."
"I don't understand. How do you know all of this?" Penelope asked.
Cimil took an accomplished breath. "The dead exist in a place beyond the confines of time. You all came to me from the future-one that no longer exists-but you, me … everyone was dead. My own self came to me and has been my constant companion for thousands of years, guiding me, telling how things ended so that I could try to change course. Apparently, that particular version of me was Roberto-less, extremely naughty, and did end the world. Of course, she saw the error of her ways-a testament to my good-hearted nature. She came to help me, put me on another path."
"Is she here now?" Penelope asked.
"No. She's been gone since the party," Cimil said. "But it took me finding my true calling. I was not born to create harmony or peace, I'm much better at creating havoc. Which, ironically, creates harmony and peace. Damned. I do sound batshit crazy."
"Slightly. Are you done?" Penelope said.
"Not quite! I'd like to have the opportunity to highlight all of the good that has come from my actions." Cimil pulled out a scroll that unwound to the floor and rolled four feet in front of her. "Ready? The Super Bowl and anything related to the phrase ‘Touchdown, baby.' Speaking of babies, there's your little bun in oven, Penelope. Reminder: Maaskab, black jade, drunken night with Kinich, midgets … say no more. Emma, Guy, and their baby on the way. Vampires, aka our BFFs. Let's not forget that I positioned Niccolo DiConti, the nicest, meanest vampire in the world-besides Roberto-to be in charge of the vampire army along with his sweet wife, Helena. The Uchben, aka our other BFFs (my evil made them necessary, and they've really helped us manage the exploding human population so we can get a day off). Ixtab's mate Antonio: Had I not saved his father, the last remaining incubus, by hiding him in my secret Spanish villa, Antonio would never have been born. And let's face it, Ixtab is a tricky, tricky girl to match up. Ouch! Don't stand too close. Top Ramen, someone had to ensure nourishment for the college-aged human masses. Platform shoes. Disco. Weeble Wobles-they don't fall down. How cool is that? Soap operas. Mojitos. Pig Latin-ix-nayy on the unishment-pay for imil-cey. American Idol … so, so evil. Those little umbrellas you put into drinks. Okay, that one was really Minky's idea, but I thought up the part about it being important to protect the little people from the harmful rays of the sun. Tang. The wheel, and … " She sighed. "Our big bright future." Cimil bowed. "Oh! And I'd also like to highlight that I did send Máax into the past to save all of the Payals who will play a very important role in the future (ssshhh, it's a secret) so that Chaam could live a free and happy life with his mate, Maggie."
"Are you done yet?" Penelope asked.
She looked up at the ceiling. "Um … I would once again like to highlight that I orchestrated the demise of evil vampires, and I had Roberto and his men completely wipe out the Maaskab-all part of the master plan. Couldn't have us gods locked up and the bad guys free to roam, now could we? Besides, the Maaskab served their purpose. Now it's time to move on and find newer, shinier, more evil challenges. Bring on round two!" She did a little dance, then abruptly stopped once she noticed no one joined in the celebration. "Fine. Be that way. But as you see, I have undone all my sins and left behind nothing but the good stuff. Kind of like when you boil a chicken to make soup. You pick out all of the bones and those slimy bits of skin, leaving behind the savory broth and juicy meat. Gods, I'm hungry. Must be the baby."
Roberto was suddenly gripping her by the shoulders. "Please tell me you are not joking, Cimil."
She lovingly patted his cheek. "No, my sweet pharaoh. I have kept my promise to you. It will be a little girl. And a little boy. And another little boy. And a girl." She shrugged. "I kinda over did it on the fertility spell with Akna. Whoops!"
Roberto hugged her, and she genuinely looked pleased. It almost made Penelope want to forgive Cimil. She was crazy and wild, but she had pulled off the impossible; she'd created a new future for everyone. She'd probably been the only one insane enough to see the possibilities and take the risks. And if she truly was compelled to do evil, how could they punish her? That was her role. But it also made her dangerous. Or did it?
Damn. So confusing.
Kinich rose from his seat next to Penelope. "Cimil, I know I speak for us all when I say that we are all grateful for every blessing in our lives." He looked directly at Penelope. "I can't imagine a world without our mates, our friends who have become our family, and for every gift you've helped bestowed upon us. Excluding American Idol and SPAM. But I agree with Penelope; the suffering, lies, and games you played seemed to be more than simply playing your role. You enjoyed watching us run through your labyrinth of despair. You reveled in our suffering and enjoyed our pain. I think you could have accomplished much of what you did without enjoying it so damned much. What do you have to say for yourself?"