Have you forgotten about his other fine traits? Like being a liar?
Yes, but even you can admit, it wasn't with malicious intent.
"Hi, Máax." Twin petite blondes with sparkle-covered skin and wearing flimsy white negligees smiled lustily at him.
"Where have you been hiding yourself? You naughty, naughty boy," the one on the left said in a saucy voice.
Ashli felt the urge to punch her.
Máax smiled stiffly. "Hello, ladies, may I introduce you to Ashli, my mate. Does she not look lovely tonight?"
The two perky-boobed women looked at Ashli. "Is this the mortal who dumped you?" the one on the right asked. "Doesn't look like much to me. Kinda plain."
"I hear from the vampires," said the other one, "that she couldn't, you know, please him so she tried to run away. Is that true, Máax? Because we know how to handle a god."
I'm gonna punch them both! Right in their perky little boobs!
"Ladies." Máax scowled. "We both know that is untrue-"
"I'm sorry," Ashli interrupted, her fists clenched. "Who the hell are you-"
"Let me handle this, Ashli," Máax said, cutting her off. "You're still new to everything."
Incredible! He's incredible, she thought bitterly. I had this! Why did he insist on being so, so, so condescending. Ugh!
"I dumped him," Ashli said, "because he's a liar. And he's all yours, ladies." Ashli turned away and began pushing through the cocktail-sipping crowd. "I'm going to find the ladies' room."
Can't please him? Can't please him? Had he really been telling people-uhh, vampires-that?
"Ashli!" Máax called, but she needed to get away from him before she got sucked in again. His voice, his smell, his mere presence acted like a giant amplifier for her emotions. And those two disgusting … What the hell were they?
"They're sex fairies!" Máax screamed. "You can't believe a word they say!"
She kept walking. "Sex fairies?" she mumbled. "Well, just great!" Sex fairies were publically shaming her bedroom skills while hitting on Máax.
Maybe you're not ready for this. Maybe it's too much.
No. You can do this. Just take a breath. She fought the tiny voices in her head, urging her to run back to her room. Or to 1993. But she was determined to leave her old, emotional hermit – like ways behind and enjoy what little time she had left.
She found the ladies' room near the corner of the packed convention hall and pushed the door. "Sex fairies. Really?" Who ever heard of such a lame species? Probably some man had invented them.
She walked over to the sink and stared herself down in the mirror. "You are not going to cry. Not. Not. Not. Do you hear me?"
"Hello, Ashli. Nice to finally meet you. You have no idea how long we've waited."
Ashli looked into the mirror, but there was no one there. She turned quickly and saw a blonde with a bob and a brunette with short hair, both about her age. They wore black-and-white-striped referee outfits, whistle necklaces, and …
"Holly crap! Are those ummm … "
"Wings," said the petite blonde and the shorter of the two. She reached out her hand. "I'm Anne, by the way, and this is my associate, Jess."
Ashli shook hands with Anne but immediately snapped hers away when she noticed an odd tingle. Who were these two? They looked harmless enough, like sweet Midwestern sorority sisters. Except for the referee outfits and frigging enormous white, fluffy wings that sparkled like luminescent diamonds. "Are they … "
"Real? Yes," replied the brunette, Jess. "But we can talk about that later. Right now, we need to chat. And it's muy importante. One might even say that you were born for this. El gran momento! So time to listen-listen. 'Kay?"
Ashli wasn't really sure she was having this conversation. Perhaps she'd slipped on the floor on the way into the bathroom? She flipped a glance over her shoulder at the mirror behind her. Crap! Still empty. But when she looked directly in front of her, the two women were as plain as day.
What the hell? "You can't be real."
"Come on," said Anne, "by now you should be all broken in. You've met deities-an invisible one at that-vampires, you've been sifted through time, and you've met Cimil's unicorn."
"I met a unicorn?" She didn't remember meeting any unicorn.
The blonde, Anne, smiled. "Uh … yeah. Minky's been hiding out in your room since you arrived. Apocalypses make her nervous. Didn't you notice?"
Ashli shook her head no.
"Minky is mostly harmless, except when she gets in a cuddly mood."
"Huh?" Okay. Now I know I've gone off the deep end. She turned to escape but encountered a third woman standing against the door. She was extremely tall, especially compared to Ashli's five feet and one inch of vertical presence. This woman didn't wear a referee outfit, however, but instead had on a bunny costume sorta. Black satin short shorts, platform shoes, a teeny tiny tank top, and pink fluffy bunny ears that matched her giant fluffy wings. And a lit cigar. That was sorta bunny. Right?
"Who are you?" Ashli asked, hoping and praying that the woman would not reply with, "The Easter Bunny." Because, yeah, that would be the final straw.
"She's Nicole," replied Anne, who stood so close behind Ashli that her entire body now tingled.
"Our boss," added Jess.
"Friends call me Nick." Ashli watched in awe as the cigar-smoking bunny puffed out a giant ball of smoke that formed a heart, which evaporated into thin air. "Hiya."
"But I … I … " Screw this happily living out your final days bull crap. It's probably overrated anyway. "Can I leave, please?" She wondered if she could talk one of those vampires into opening the portal and returning her to 1993.
"You," Anne said, "may go just as soon as you listen."
There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Ohmygod, heeeelp.
The bunny lady lifted a brow. "Really? Really? You went Oz on us?"
They can hear my thoughts?
Bunny lady looked at Anne and Jess. "Wow. This is the chosen one? Thank heavens she doesn't have to do anything complicated or we'd all be shopping for a new Universe for sure."
Ashli's mouth fell open. Then she snapped it shut, closed her eyes, and took a breath, waiting a moment before she reopened them. Dammit. They're still there!
"Aaaand she's back. Great." Jess removed the whistle hanging around her neck and placed it over Ashli's head. "All you need to do is remember that when the trouble starts, blow that whistle-it's the only help you're getting from us. It's up to you to stop them. Understand?"
Not even. "Blow the whistle and stop them?" Who? From doing what? "Can you be a little more specific? 'Cause I'd really love to know what the hell you're talking about."
The three women exchanged glances. "Did you just say ‘hell' to a group of angels?" they replied in unison.
Ashli sighed. Why did everything have to be so strange? She ran her hands over her face. "I need to get out of here." Maybe she'd hit her head getting out of the limo.
"No," Anne said. "You need to stay."
"Give her the whammy already," said Jess. "Belch is making pousse-cafés, and I'm not missing out this time. I hear the flame is twelve inches high."
"Fine." Anne stepped forward, and Ashli stepped back. "Listen, Ash. I'll make it short and sweet. Once upon a time, many thousands of years ago, humans were created. And angels-hello, that's us, if you were wondering-were created to keep watch over humans. The Creator is too busy running the cosmos and all, so she's gotta have help. Yunno? But it didn't take long for the Creator to see we weren't exactly cut out for the job. Not because we don't rock, but because humans are flawed. We are not. Anywing, we stopped being relevant because we find it hard to relate, because we don't understand what it's like to be flawed. Yada yada.
"So the Creator decided to bridge the gap by creating the gods-flawed, quirky, and well, downright childish at times. Great plan, except there's another problem. Humans evolve. Rather quickly. Which means the gods, too, are fast becoming obsolete. Irrelevant. I mean, really. When's the last time you saw a new monument built to those clowns? Anywing, the Creator was about to throw in the towel, but we threw down a challenge instead. We saw potential in the gods. So we made a bet; if we could prove the gods capable of evolving, the Creator would let us keep the planet.