Terri stiffened, then glanced sharply at her sister-in-law.
"What makes you think he broke my heart?"she asked finally. "Or that I love him, for that matter?»
"Oh, please."Sandi gave a laugh. "Every other word out of your mouth has been 'Bastien.' And you didn't fly home early, looking like death warmed over, because things were going well. So, spill it. What did he do?»
"Actually, he didn't do anything. I'm the one who left him,"Terri admitted slowly. The story poured out of her. She recounted every moment of the last two weeks, without leaving anything out. She didn't even slow down or acknowledge Dave when he came back into the room to join them. It was like a purging of her soul.
The couple sat silent throughout, not saying a word until Terri finished and sat back to await their thoughts. Those thoughts weren't long in coming. Knowing the couple as she did, Terri had expected Sandi to be sympathetic and Dave to perhaps think she was an idiot, so she was taken by surprise when her sister-in-law shook her head and said, "You stupid girl.»
Terri stiffened in shock, but Sandi wasn't finished. "You found true love-your perfect match-and allowed fear to make you throw it aside? You idiot!»
While Terri was gasping, Sandi slapped her hands on her thighs and sat back to cross her arms over her chest. "That's it, then. I suppose you'll be moving to France next.»
"What?"Terri asked, confused.
"Well, I presume you love us.»
"Of course, I do,"Terri said. "I don't know what I would have done after Ian's death without you two to-"
"So,"Sandi interrupted with a shrug, "you'd best move to France and get away from us. The more time you spend around us, the more you'll love us-and you know we'll die someday too.»
"It's not the same,"Terri protested.
"Certainly, it is. Love is love, and loss is loss. We all love, and we all die, and everyone suffers the pain of grieving. The trick is to enjoy what you have while you have it. Not run like a bunny from the good things because they might be taken away sooner than you'd like.»
"But-"
"Do you regret the time you had with Ian? Would you give that up, have it wiped from your memory to avoid the pain of having lost him?"she asked. "Or your mother? Do you wish she'd died giving birth to you so that you wouldn't have had to suffer losing her at nineteen? Then, as I said, there's Dave and me. If we grow sick, will you stop visiting and shun us? Or if I walk out that door and get hit by a bus, will you regret knowing me because of the pain losing me causes? Will it hurt less today than tomorrow, or next week, or next year?»
"No, of course not.»
"That's because you love us, Terri. And you love this Bastien. The only difference is you gave him up before you had to. You're suffering for nothing. You're causing it yourself. You're being a fool.»
"That's a bit harsh, isn't it, flower?"Dave asked mildly.
"Is it?"Sandi turned raised eyebrows on him. "How would you feel if I ran off on you, not because of something you did wrong, or because I didn't love you, but because I did love you and you were sick? Because I might hurt later?»
Dave's eyes widened, and Sandi nodded. "Uh huh. Well, that's about how this Bastien feels right now. Terri's punishing him because she loves him and he's dared to be ill, to be human. He's probably hurting right now and not even knowing what he did to make her leave.»
"But Dave loves you,"Terri pointed out.
"And this Bastien loves you,"Sandi said firmly. "Everything you've told me about him tells me that. And here you are, hurting both him and yourself, for no good reason other than you're a coward. It takes courage to live, Terri. To really live. To follow your dreams, to love someone, to face each day. Agoraphobics are trapped in their homes because they are terrified of what might happen-but as long as they stay inside, they'll never know what could happen. You're an emotional agoraphobic. You've been one since Ian died, avoiding emotional entanglements to avoid getting hurt. Well, it's high time you rejoined the living, my girl, and stopped acting like you're the one in the cold hard grave. I bet Ian would give anything to be alive and in love, yet here you have it and you're throwing it away."Sandi shook her head and stomped out of the room, muttering, "I'm going back to work. Sometimes people make me crazy.»
Terri bit her lip and glanced at Dave, who patted her arm reassuringly. "She's just stressed out with this deadline. She loves you. We both do, and we hate to see you unhappy. You've been so unhappy for so long, Terri. And it's upsetting to see you throw something good away.»
"But he's dying, Dave,"Terri complained. "I can't watch that happen again.»
"Are you sure he's dying? Do you know for sure? Perhaps it's something chronic, not terminal. Or maybe he's got five to ten good years. Do you want to miss those to avoid six months to a year of hard times? I'm not saying it would be easy at the end, but can't you enjoy the time you do have and not worry so much about what you'll lose?"He added, "You know, Sandi's right. She could walk out the door and die tomorrow. So could I. Or even, you. Even if Bastien is terminally ill, he might outlive you. We can't live on might-bes. Because nothing is set in stone.»
Terri lowered her head, her mind running in circles. Confusion seemed to be the key word for the last day and a half. She was exhausted, and that made it difficult to think.
"You look done in,"Dave commented. "Why don't you lie down on the couch and rest a bit? I'll wake you when the tea's ready.»
"Yes. I think I'll do that,"Terri murmured. "I've been awake for more than twenty-four hours, and more than thirteen of those were spent in airports or airplanes.»
"Then you can definitely use the sleep. Have a lie-down."He urged her onto the couch, grabbed one of the fluffy pillows that sat on either end, and settled it under her head. Fetching an afghan off the chair, he laid it over her.
"Thank you,"Terri murmured. "Sandi's lucky to have you. And so am I.»
"Hmm."Dave cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable. Shrugging, he muttered that she should sleep, and left her alone.
Terri slept. They didn't wake her for tea, but let her sleep through the night. She woke up at five o'clock the next morning, feeling like a bag of dirt. But a well-rested bag of dirt. Smiling faintly to herself, Terri got up and folded the blanket someone had put on her in the night, then folded the afghan as well. She collected fresh clothes from her suitcase and made her way up the stairs to the bathroom, managing to take a shower without waking the couple asleep just across the hall. Terri dressed, brushed her teeth, and went back downstairs. She fixed herself tea in the kitchen, took it outside, and sat on the picnic table, staring blankly at the wilderness growing there as she considered everything Sandi had said, and everything she herself knew.
In truth, Terri didn't know for sure that Bastien was terminally ill. Yet all the evidence seemed to point that way. She decided that she would go on the premise that she was right and make her decision from there, because she needed to know what she wanted if Bastien was going to die. If he wasn't, the answer was simple; she wanted to be with him. But marriage was about sickness and health, better or worse-there was no line stating so long as ye both shall be healthy and happy. Terri needed to know if she loved him enough to be willing to stand by him through the hard stuff, too. If she could be strong enough to do so.
She stared at the brick wall surrounding Dave and Sandi's little cottage, and imagined the days ahead without him. It seemed a pretty bleak world without Bastien. Then she imagined her time with him, and remembered how it already had been. The laughter, the talk, the working together in a crisis-Terri wanted that. She didn't want to lose it after having it. But, in effect, she already had. Sandi was right, she'd given it up already. As for suffering his illness with him, she had been through it twice before. Terri knew that she would be checking with Kate to see how Bastien was. She wouldn't be able to help herself. The updates she received, along with her past experience and her imagination, were enough for her to know exactly what he was suffering and to suffer with him, whether she was there to see it physically or not.
She was a coward and a fool, Terri realized. She'd passed up days, months, maybe even years of happiness by anticipating the bad that would follow. There were no guarantees in life. Even if Bastien were dying, she might-as Dave suggested-beat him to the grave. Standing abruptly, Terri walked back into the cottage and rinsed her cup. Then she wrote a quick note to her friends and picked up the phone to call a cab.
"If you can wait ten minutes while I dress, I'll drive you.»
Terri glanced to the doorway where Dave stood in a pair of fleece pants and a top. She'd forgotten he was an early riser. "I could catch a cab. Then you won't have to bother.»
"I want to run over to Sainbury's for a couple of things, anyway. And I know you need to stop there before going home. I'll just be a minute."He didn't give her the chance to refuse, simply turned and jogged back upstairs. Two minutes later, Sandi came down in her housecoat, yawning.
"Oh."She shook her head as the yawn ended, as if trying to shake herself awake, then glanced at Terri. "I'm sorry about what I said.»