Dad sidles past Landon, double-taking the half-nudity, and hands Mom the toothpaste. She twists the cap off, grabs my arm, and goops me up.
"What … "
"It helps the burn," she says, but she doesn't have to. I can already feel it starting to work. Landon runs out and comes back seconds later with another tube and a shirt for himself. He gets to work on the rest of my burned skin while Dad covers Mom.
"Is everything okay in there?" comes the overly joyful voice of Satan.
I look up at Landon, neck burning not only from the juice.
"We're fine!" he says, then rubs Aquafresh across my collarbone. I hiss in a breath.
"My nose is fine, Paul." Mom giggles, swatting Dad on the shoulder as he attempts to spread toothpaste across her face. I gaze over Landon's shoulder at them, and as they tease each other, I see no peas and carrots. I don't see dessert, either. I kind of see … well, everything.
"Feel better?" Landon asks, capping the tube.
"How do I look?"
"Like something out of The Walking Stiff." He sets the toothpaste on the counter. "But you smell good."
"What happened?" Dad asks, eyeing the mess on the stove.
"Mom decided to shower us with turkey juice."
She gasps. "Don't you blame this all on me!"
Dad tickles her hip, and I grin like a big buffoon because they've been together for over twenty-five years and they are still doing things like that.
"Okay, I'll carve."
He takes the knife, and Landon says he'll set the table while Mom and I sit with the Wangfords. I sort of want to take my chances with the turkey.
The reactions to our toothpaste skin are pretty much what I expected. At least I'm getting to know my future in-laws. Mr. Wangford stands from the table and asks if we're okay. We are, but he doesn't sit till we do. Mrs. Wangford doesn't make a comment about our appearance, but she wrinkles her nose.
Dad and Landon get everything to the table, and after my momma says a quick prayer, she starts dishing out food.
Mrs. Wangford doesn't eat a bite of turkey. Figures. Of course, it's too bad for her, because it's the best-tasting thing on this planet. Cooking it upside down actually made it juicier and more tender. I make no attempt to impress Mrs. Stick-Up-Her-Ass, slurping my food and smiling with it between my teeth. Landon shakes his head and laughs at me, but his amusement could be from the toothpaste all over my body.
I'm changing the In-law Hurdle to "Don't let them bother you." I'm hoping it's not as difficult as the other Hurdle was.
Chapter 29
JANUARY
"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon … " Jace mutters at the TV in his studio apartment, sliding to the edge of the couch and clutching his beer. It's 21-14 in favor of the Titans, but the Jets are closing in on the end zone. I'd pay more attention, but it's not like the Falcons are playing.
Landon pushes a salsa-covered chip at me, and I open wide for him to shove that sucker in. We both laugh as the salsa collects in the corners of my mouth.
"Yes!" Jace hollers, both he and Alec getting to their feet and victory dancing. Landon stays seated on the recliner, but probably only because I'm occupying his lap.
The Jets make the touchdown and then the extra point, tying the game and sending us right into a commercial break. I get up from Landon's lap with a butt wiggle in the face, then offer to get anyone another beer while I grab a water. I'm trying to drop a couple pounds, so I'm avoiding chocolate and alcohol till the wedding. But I'm not completely strict about dieting, considering I hop back into Landon's lap and let him stuff my face with more chips.
I still have my Spanx if I need them.
"Where's Chantal?" I ask Jace as soon as he's settled into the couch with a fresh beer. After the movie wrapped, I expected the girl he's been seeing to hang out with us a bit, but he's empty-handed whenever we get together.
He shrugs. "She went home for Christmas. Decided to stay there for a bit."
"How long is 'a bit'?"
"I think permanently."
Landon shifts under me, and I lock eyes with him long enough for him to give me the neck-slicing gesture. Okay, no more Chantal questions.
"It's back on," Alec says, and all our attention goes to the game. Well, minus Landon, who is running a hand up and down my thigh. He gives me a half-smile when I catch his gaze, then he shakes his head and sighs.
He's been acting weird all night. Well … actually … he's been acting weird since the naked argument. I can feel the shift in our relationship, too, and I don't even know what it is. We touch and kiss and cuddle, but there hasn't been that desire for more, and honestly, I don't remember the last time we talked. Like, really talked. And bitterly I think maybe we're already married and we don't even know it.
He sighs again, and so I lean in close to his ear. "What's up, Buttercup?"
"Nothing."
"Liar."
He does another half-smile, then slides his phone out and shows me a text from his sister.
Hey. Mom and Dad want to talk to you. If I were you I'd stop by the hotel and just hash it out. Don't bring Liz.
Well, isn't that just peachy? I try to force a smile, even though my stomach feels like that salsa was made out of Legos, and say in a singsong whisper, "You're in trouble."
"Probably," he says, sliding his phone into his pocket. He's not even teasing me back, so I drop the playfulness, settle my head on his shoulder, and give him a good squeeze.
"Do you want to go?" I ask.
"No."
"Do you think you should?"
"Yeah."
"I'll be okay here."
He sighs, breath warming my forehead, and then he gently strokes my hair. "It may be a while."
"Hey, Alec?" I say, adjusting on Landon's lap. "Be my chauffeur again? Landon has to visit his parents and I don't want to be in the line of fire."
He laughs around his beer and nods. I turn back to Landon with a smile. It's one of those scared-as-hell smiles I've pretty much been wearing this entire engagement.
"Go. Hear what they have to say. And don't call off the wedding unless they offer you a million dollars."
"Ten million."
"Glad to know what I'm worth."
He gives me his sort-of-laugh, the one I've been hearing for weeks now, and then nudges me from his lap. He doesn't kiss me goodbye, and I don't move to kiss him either, and the sad thing is I don't notice until he's been gone for at least ten minutes.
We are peas and carrots.
"It's not you," Alec says, pulling my attention from wherever my brain was wandering.
"Huh?"
"Landon's mom wouldn't have approved of anyone."
"She sure seemed fond of his exes."
Jace snorts, kicking his feet out and leaning back into the couch.
"What are you laughing at?" I ask him.
"Nothing. I've just met some of those exes and there was nothing to be 'fond' of. Mom Wangford is just trying to unhinge you."
I know that, but it doesn't make me feel better.
"You don't think he'll call it off, do you?"
Jace snorts again, and Alec shakes his head.
"Honestly, I think he's more worried about you calling it off."
"Me? Why?"
Alec shrugs, but Jace doesn't catch it and starts spouting off what I'm sure Landon had under the "bro code."
"He saw that list you keep on your computer. Said you were scared of vegetables or something, and he just doesn't have the balls to talk to you about it."
My mouth drops open. I knew I shouldn't have added that Hurdle. It's not that being peas and carrots is necessarily a deal-breaker. It's that it totally sucks to be peas and carrots.
"Shit."
Jace shakes his head, reaching over to pat my knee. "I wouldn't worry about it. Landon was nearly pissing himself before he proposed, but then he'd look at your ring and he was excited about strapping on the ball and chain."
"There you go," Alec says. "Just stare at his wedding ring and you'll feel better."
I nearly tumble out of the recliner. Oh, sweet balls, no.
"His ring."
Jace lifts his eyebrows while Alec furrows his.
"Um, what?"
I continue to choke on my own breath as I stare blankly at both of them.
"Landon's ring. I have to buy him a ring."
"Yeah … ?" Jace says, but Alec slams his eyes shut and releases a long breath because he knows. He knows what's playing in my mind. The decreasing number in the honeymoon fund, the lack of income even with the overtime, and Landon's empty left hand at the altar. I grab onto the arms of the recliner, try to balance myself, but I can't. I slump to the floor. I hear Alec softly tell Jace, "Money, dude."
My vision goes in and out of focus as I shake my head. How could I forget about his ring? I've had mine for months, twisting it, cleaning it, showing it off, staring at it, hugging it, and I hadn't given one thought about putting one on his finger. Now we're only a week away.
What am I going to do? It's the ring or the honeymoon. You can't have a wedding without rings. But you can't have a wedding without the honeymoon. I feel the weight of a thousand Hurdles pound on my back, turning me into a rambling idiot on Jace's floor, going on and on about all the meaningless wedding chores I gave myself. The no-sex rule, the wedding dress fiasco, the damn upside-down turkey, and how it means nothing now because I can't buy my fiancé his ring.