All I Want for Christmas is a Vampire(52)

 

"Why? Aren't you off duty when the sun sets?"

 

"Yes, but…" She groaned inwardly. It was happening again. She was getting pulled in two different directions.

 

"Okay, I'll pick you up on the way. And before you object, I know exactly where you are, menina. I Googled Ian the other night and found his profile and address. I'll be there in twenty minutes." Carlos hung up.

 

"Toni, it's starting," Phineas yelled.

 

She rushed back to the couch. The TV screen was filled with large words in a flowing script—Live with the Undead, starring Corky Courrant.

 

"Good evening, friends!" A close-up revealed a face with heavily lined eyes and collagen-enhanced lips. "This is Corky Courrant, reporting from the Horny Devils nightclub in New York City."

 

The camera pulled back, and Toni recognized the nightclub she'd seen the night before. Corky was sitting at a table next to a somber-looking Ian.

 

"Shit, look at the tits on her," Phineas murmured.

 

"Tonight we're talking to Ian MacPhie, who has recently posted a very popular profile on the online dating service Single in the City." Corky inclined her head toward Ian. "We're delighted to have you on the show, Ian."

 

"My pleasure," Ian said.

 

"This ain't so bad," Phineas observed.

 

"Looks fine to me," Toni agreed. More than fine. Ian looked gorgeous with his blue eyes and wavy black hair. His green sweater clung to broad shoulders and a firm chest.

 

"My friends, this is a special night." Corky's smile faded, and she affected a dreamy look. "Every now and then, in the annals of vampire history, there arises a man who stands out among all others. He is the legendary hero who inspires great music and poetry, that perfect man who inhabits the secret fantasies of all vampire women."

 

Ian shifted in his seat, his face blushing.

 

"He is the man we all yearn for." Corky glanced at Ian. "And this is not his story."

 

Toni gasped. Ian's face paled.

 

Corky's eyes gleamed with wicked delight. "No, tonight we have the pathetic story of a lonely, desperate man, so desperate he tries to sell himself online. No, wait, he's so pathetic he has a friend sell him online."

 

"What are you doing?" Vanda marched into view.

 

"Ah, here is the friend—Vanda Barkowski. Tell me, is it true Ian's too illiterate to write his own profile?"

 

"He's not—" Vanda began.

 

"Did you write it or not?" Corky snarled.

 

"I helped," Vanda admitted, "but he's not illit—"

 

"I had to wonder what would drive a man to such desperate measures," Corky continued with a smile. "So, before this show, I interviewed two women who are very well acquainted with Ian MacPhie. Here they are…"

 

The screen changed to the blonde bartender.

 

"You are Cora Lee Primrose, former member of Roman Draganesti's harem?" Corky asked.

 

"Yes." Cora Lee smiled shyly. "Ian was one of our guards. He was always such a sweet boy."

 

"Boy?" Corky asked. "He looks thirty in his photo."

 

"That's because he ate something that made him grow older," Cora Lee explained. "For centuries, he looked like a fifteen-year-old boy."

 

"That's amazing. What else can you tell us about Ian?"

 

"Well." Cora Lee chewed on her bottom lip. "He told me why he wanted to look older. He just wants to get laid."

 

The scene switched back to Corky and Ian, who was frowning.

 

"That was a joke," he muttered.

 

Corky scoffed. "The next interview, please…"

 

The scene shifted to another blonde Vamp. Toni recognized her as Pamela, the woman from the restroom.

 

"I am Lady Pamela Smythe-Worthing, one of the owners of this establishment," she began. "And I have known Ian MacPhie since 1955 when he was assigned to guard those of us who were members of Roman Draganesti's harem."

 

"I heard he looked like a teenager," Corky said.

 

"Indeed," Pamela agreed. "He was much too young-looking to be of any interest to us. Personally, I believe Ian MacPhie is a five-hundred-year-old virgin."

 

"Amazing," Corky said. "So his profile is nothing more than a desperate ploy to finally pop the cherry?"

 

Pamela smiled. "Precisely."

 

The scene switched back to Corky and Ian.

 

Vanda planted her hands on the table and leaned toward Corky. "That's bullshit. Ian's looking for his true love."

 

"Can you confirm he's not a virgin?" Corky asked calmly. "Have you slept with him?"