As I climbed the stairs, I felt the last of the afternoon’s abnormal sense of well-being drain from my system, replaced by a dull fear at the thought of what I was going to have to live through now.
I wasn’t numb anymore. Tonight would, no doubt, be as horrific as last night. I lay down on my bed and curled into a ball in preparation for the onslaught. I squeezed my eyes shut and...the next thing I next I knew, it was morning.
I stared at the pale silver light coming through my window, stunned.
For the first time in more than four months, I’d slept without dreaming. Dreaming or screaming. I couldn’t tell which emotion was stronger—the relief or the shock.
I lay still in my bed for a few minutes, waiting for it to come back. Because something must be coming. If not the pain, then the numbness. I waited, but nothing happened. I felt more rested than I had in a long time.
I didn’t trust this to last. It was a slippery, precarious edge that I balanced on, and it wouldn’t take much to knock me back down. Just glancing around my room with these suddenly clear eyes—noticing how strange it looked, too tidy, like I didn’t live here at all—was dangerous.
I pushed that thought from my mind, and concentrated, as I got dressed, on the fact that I was going to see Jacob again today. The thought made me feel almost...hopeful. Maybe it would be the same as yesterday. Maybe I wouldn’t have to remind myself to look interested and to nod or smile at appropriate intervals, the way I had to with everyone else. Maybe...but I wouldn’t trust this to last, either. Wouldn’t trust it to be the same—so easy—as yesterday. I wasn’t going to set myself up for disappointment like that.
At breakfast, Charlie was being careful, too. He tried to hide his scrutiny, keeping his eyes on his eggs until he thought I wasn’t looking.
“What are you up to today?” he asked, eyeing a loose thread on the edge of his cuff like he wasn’t paying much attention to my answer.
“I’m going to hang out with Jacob again.”
He nodded without looking up. “Oh,” he said.
“Do you mind?” I pretended to worry. “I could stay....”
He glanced up quickly, a hint of panic in his eyes. “No, no! You go ahead. Harry was going to come up to watch the game with me anyway.”
“Maybe Harry could give Billy a ride up,” I suggested. The fewer witnesses the better.
“That’s a great idea.”
I wasn’t sure if the game was just an excuse for kicking me out, but he looked excited enough now. He headed to the phone while I donned my rain jacket. I felt self- conscious with the checkbook shoved in my jacket pocket. It was something I never used.
Outside, the rain came down like water slopped from a bucket. I had to drive more slowly than I wanted to; I could hardly see a car length in front of the truck. But I finally made it through the muddy lanes to Jacob’s house. Before I’d killed the engine, the front door opened and Jacob came running out with a huge black umbrella.
He held it over my door while I opened it.
“Charlie called—said you were on your way,” Jacob explained with a grin.
Effortlessly, without a conscious command to the muscles around my lips, my answering smile spread across my face. A strange feeling of warmth bubbled up in my throat, despite the icy rain splattering on my cheeks.
“Hi, Jacob.”
“Good call on inviting Billy up.” He held up his hand for a high five.
I had to reach so high to slap his hand that he laughed.
Harry showed up to get Billy just a few minutes later. Jacob took me on a brief tour of his tiny room while we waited to be unsupervised.
“So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?” I asked as soon as the door closed behind Billy.
Jacob pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and smoothed it out. “We’ll start at the dump first, see if we can get lucky. This could get a little expensive,” he warned me. “Those bikes are going to need a lot of help before they’ll run again.” My face didn’t look worried enough, so he continued. “I’m talking about maybe more than a hundred dollars here.”
I pulled my checkbook out, fanned myself with it, and rolled my eyes at his worries. “We’re covered.”
It was a very strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself. Even at the dump, in the slopping rain and ankle-deep mud. I wondered at first if it was just the aftershock of losing the numbness, but I didn’t think that was enough of an explanation.
I was beginning to think it was mostly Jacob. It wasn’t just that he was always so happy to see me, or that he didn’t watch me out of the corner of his eye, waiting for me to do something that would mark me as crazy or depressed. It was nothing that related to me at all.