The Host(34)

In this blurry early memory, Melanie sat in her father’s lap with the same album—not so tattered then—open in her hands. Her hands were tiny, her fingers stubby. It was very strange to remember being a child in this body.

They were on the first page.

“Do you remember where this is?” Dad asks, pointing to the old gray picture at the top of the page. The paper looks thinner than the other photographs, as if it has worn down—flatter and flatter and flatter—since some great-great-grandpa took it.

“It’s where we Stryders come from,” I answer, repeating what I’ve been taught.

“Right. That’s the old Stryder ranch. You went there once, but I bet you don’t remember it. I think you were eighteen months old.” Dad laughs. “It’s been Stryder land since the very beginning.…”

And then the memory of the picture itself. A picture she’d looked at a thousand times without ever seeing it. It was black and white, faded to grays. A small rustic wooden house, far away on the other side of a desert field; in the foreground, a split-rail fence; a few equine shapes between the fence and the house. And then, behind it all, the sharp, familiar profile…

There were words, a label, scrawled in pencil across the top white border:

Stryder Ranch, 1904, in the morning shadow of…

“Picacho Peak,” I said quietly.

He’ll have figured it out, too, even if they never found Sharon. I know Jared will have put it together. He’s smarter than me, and he has the picture; he probably saw the answer before I did. He could be so close.…

The thought had her so filled with yearning and excitement that the blank wall in my head slipped entirely.

I saw the whole journey now, saw her and Jared’s and Jamie’s careful trek across the country, always by night in their inconspicuous stolen vehicle. It took weeks. I saw where she’d left them in a wooded preserve outside the city, so different from the empty desert they were used to. The cold forest where Jared and Jamie would hide and wait had felt safer in some ways—because the branches were thick and concealing, unlike the spindly desert foliage that hid little—but also more dangerous in its unfamiliar smells and sounds.

Then the separation, a memory so painful we skipped through it, flinching. Next came the abandoned building she’d hidden in, watching the house across the street for her chance. There, concealed within the walls or in the secret basement, she hoped to find Sharon.

I shouldn’t have let you see that, Melanie thought. The faintness of her silent voice gave away her fatigue. The assault of memories, the persuasion and coercion, had tired her. You’ll tell them where to find her. You’ll kill her, too.

“Yes,” I mused aloud. “I have to do my duty.”

Why? she murmured, almost sleepily. What happiness will it bring you?

I didn’t want to argue with her, so I said nothing.

The mountain loomed larger ahead of us. In moments, we would be beneath it. I could see a little rest stop with a convenience store and a fast food restaurant bordered on one side by a flat, concrete space—a place for mobile homes. There were only a few in residence now, with the heat of the coming summer making things uncomfortable.

What now? I wondered. Stop for a late lunch or an early dinner? Fill my gas tank and then continue on to Tucson in order to reveal my fresh discoveries to the Seeker?

The thought was so repellent that my jaw locked against the sudden heave of my empty stomach. I slammed on the brake reflexively, screeching to a stop in the middle of the lane. I was lucky; there were no cars to hit me from behind. There were also no drivers to stop and offer their help and concern. For this moment, the highway was empty. The sun beat down on the pavement, making it shimmer, disappear in places.

This shouldn’t have felt like a betrayal, the idea of continuing on my right and proper course. My first language, the true language of the soul that was spoken only on our planet of origin, had no word for betrayal or traitor. Or even loyalty—because without the existence of an opposite, the concept had no meaning.

And yet I felt a deep well of guilt at the very idea of the Seeker. It would be wrong to tell her what I knew. Wrong, how? I countered my own thought viciously. If I stopped here and listened to the seductive suggestions of my host, I would truly be a traitor. That was impossible. I was a soul.

And yet I knew what I wanted, more powerfully and vividly than anything I had ever wanted in all the eight lives I’d lived. The image of Jared’s face danced behind my eyelids when I blinked against the sun—not Melanie’s memory this time, but my memory of hers. She forced nothing on me now. I could barely feel her in my head as she waited—I imagined her holding her breath, as if that were possible—for me to make my decision.