The Host(233)

Heart and soul. Not the same thing, in my case. I’d been divided too long. It was time to make something whole again, make a whole person. Even if that excluded me.

The ticking seconds pulled me toward the end. It was cold when he no longer held me. It got colder every step I took away from him.

Just my imagination, of course. It was still summer here. It would always be summer here for me.

“What happens here when it rains, Jared?” I whispered. “Where do people sleep?”

It took him a moment to answer, and I could hear tears in his voice. “We…” He swallowed. “We all move into the game room. Everyone sleeps in there together.”

I nodded to myself. I wondered what the atmosphere would be like. Awkward, with all the conflicting personalities? Or was it fun? A change? Like a slumber party?

“Why?” he whispered.

“I just wanted to… imagine. How it will be.” Life and love would go on. Even though it would happen without me, the idea brought me joy. “Goodbye, Jared. Mel says she’ll see you soon.”

Liar.

“Wait… Wanda…”

I hurried down the tunnel, hurried away from any chance that he might, with his grateful lies, convince me not to go. There was only silence behind me.

His pain did not hurt me the way Ian’s had. For Jared, pain would be over soon. Joy was only minutes away. The happy ending.

The southern tunnel felt only a few yards long. I could see the bright lantern burning ahead, and I knew Doc was waiting for me.

I walked into the room that had always frightened me with my shoulders squared. Doc had everything prepared. In the dimmest corner, I could see two cots pushed together, Kyle snoring with his arm around Jodi’s motionless form. His other arm was still curled around Sunny’s tank. She would have liked that. I wished there was some way to tell her.

“Hey, Doc,” I whispered.

He looked up from the table where he was setting out the medicine. There were already tears streaming down his face.

And suddenly, I was brave. My heart slowed to an even pace. My breath deepened and relaxed. The hardest parts were over.

I had done this before. Many times. I had closed my eyes and gone away. Always knowing new eyes would open again, but still. This was familiar. Nothing to fear.

I went to the cot and hopped up so that I was sitting on it. I reached for the No Pain with steady hands and screwed the lid off. I put the little tissue square on my tongue, let it dissolve.

There was no change. I wasn’t in any pain this time. No physical pain.

“Tell me something, Doc. What’s your real name?”

I wanted to answer all the little puzzles before the end.

Doc sniffed and wiped the back of his hand under his eyes.

“Eustace. It’s a family name, and my parents were cruel people.”

I laughed once. Then I sighed. “Jared’s waiting, back by the big cave. I promised him you’d tell him when it was over. Just wait until I—until I… stop moving, okay? It will be too late for him to do anything about my decision then.”

“I don’t want to do this, Wanda.”

“I know. Thanks for that, Doc. But I’m holding you to your promise.”

“Please?”

“No. You gave me your word. I did my part, didn’t I?”

“You did.”

“Then do yours. Let me stay with Walt and Wes.”

His thin face worked as he tried to keep back a sob.

“Will you be… in pain?”

“No, Doc,” I lied. “I won’t feel anything.”

I waited for the euphoria to come, for the No Pain to set everything glowing the way it had the last time. I still didn’t feel any difference.

It must not have been the No Pain after all—it had just been being loved. I sighed again.

I stretched out on the cot, on my stomach, and turned my face toward him.

“Put me under, Doc.”

The bottle opened. I heard him shake it onto the cloth in his hand.

“You are the noblest, purest creature I’ve ever met. The universe will be a darker place without you,” he whispered.

These were his words over my grave, my epitaph, and I was glad that I got to hear them.

Thank you, Wanda. My sister. I will never forget you.

Be happy, Mel. Enjoy it all. Appreciate it for me.

I will, she promised.

Bye, we thought together.

Doc’s hand pressed the cloth gently over my face. I breathed in deeply, ignoring the thick, uncomfortable scent. As I took another breath, I saw the three stars again. They were not calling to me; they were letting me go, leaving me to the black universe I had wandered for so many lifetimes. I drifted into the black, and it got brighter and brighter. It wasn’t black at all—it was blue. Warm, vibrant, brilliant blue… I floated into it with no fear at all.