The Host(232)

Another pause; his hand didn’t loosen.

“Wanda, I would come to be with you.”

The tears spilled over. I was grateful for the darkness.

“It wouldn’t feel that way,” I whispered. “So there’s no point.”

Of course Jared could not be allowed to be there. Only Doc could be trusted. Only he had promised me. And I wasn’t leaving this planet. I wasn’t going to go live as a Dolphin or a Flower, always grieving for the loves I’d left behind me, all dead by the time I opened my eyes again—if I even had eyes. This was my planet, and they wouldn’t make me leave. I would stay in the dirt, in the dark grotto with my friends. A human grave for the human I had become.

“But Wanda, I… There’s so much that I need to say to you.”

“I don’t want your gratitude, Jared. Trust me on that.”

“What do you want?” he whispered, his voice strained and choked. “I would give you anything.”

“Take care of my family. Don’t let the others kill them.”

“Of course I’ll take care of them.” He dismissed my request brusquely. “I meant you. What can I give you?”

“I can’t take anything with me, Jared.”

“Not even a memory, Wanda? What do you want?”

I brushed the tears away with my free hand, but others took their place too quickly for it to matter. No, I couldn’t take even a memory.

“What can I give you, Wanda?” he insisted.

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my voice steady.

“Give me a lie, Jared. Tell me you want me to stay.”

There was no hesitation this time. His arms wound around me in the dark, held me securely against his chest. He pressed his lips against my forehead, and I felt his breath move my hair when he spoke.

Melanie was holding her breath in my head. She was trying to bury herself again, trying to give me my freedom for these last minutes. Maybe she was afraid to listen to these lies. She wouldn’t want this memory when I was gone.

“Stay here, Wanda. With us. With me. I don’t want you to go. Please. I can’t imagine having you gone. I can’t see that. I don’t know how to… how to…” His voice broke.

He was a very good liar. And he must have been very, very sure of me to say those things.

I rested against him for a moment, but I could feel the time pulling me away. Time was up. Time was up.

“Thank you,” I whispered, and I tried to extricate myself.

His arms tightened. “I’m not done.”

Our faces were only inches apart. He closed the distance, and even here, on the edge of my last breath on this planet, I couldn’t help responding. Gasoline and an open flame—we exploded again.

It wasn’t the same, though. I could feel that. This was for me. It was my name that he gasped when he held this body—and he thought of it as my body, thought of it as me. I could feel the difference. For one moment, it was just us, just Wanderer and Jared, both of us burning.

No one had ever lied better than Jared lied with his body in my last minutes, and for that I was grateful. I couldn’t take it with me, because I wasn’t going anywhere, but it eased some of the pain of leaving. I could believe the lie. I could believe that he would miss me so much that it might even mar some of his joy. I shouldn’t want that, but it felt good to believe it anyway.

I couldn’t ignore the time, the seconds ticking like a countdown. Even on fire, I could feel them dragging at me, sucking me down the dark corridor. Taking me away from all this heat and feeling.

I managed to pull my lips away from his. We panted in the dark, our breath warm on each other’s faces.

“Thank you,” I said again.

“Wait…”

“I can’t. I can’t… bear any more. Okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered.

“I just want one more thing. Let me do this alone. Please?”

“If… if you’re sure that’s what you want…” He trailed off, unsure.

“It’s what I need, Jared.”

“Then I’ll stay here,” he said hoarsely.

“I’ll send Doc to get you when it’s over.”

His arms were still locked around me.

“You know that Ian is going to try to kill me for letting you do this? Maybe I should let him. And Jamie. He’ll never forgive either of us.”

“I can’t think about them right now. Please. Let me go.”

Slowly, with a palpable reluctance that warmed some of the cold emptiness in the center of my body, Jared let his arms slide away.

“I love you, Wanda.”

I sighed. “Thanks, Jared. You know how much I love you. With my whole heart.”