Redemption of a Fallen Woman(90)
‘An unorthodox trinity if ever there was one, but I’m proud to be part of it.’
‘I want to make you proud.’
‘You already do, in every way.’
‘We have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. There’s no place for negative emotion.’
‘You’re right, there isn’t.’ He sighed. ‘It’s like a bad habit and just as hard to break.’
‘But it can be broken—if we want it enough.’
‘You never had anything to reproach yourself for.’
‘Neither do you, Harry, and I think it’s time you realised it.’ Her gaze locked with his. ‘What happened in Badajoz wasn’t your fault. It was a chain of extraordinary circumstances that led to tragedy.’
‘That’s part of it.’
‘That’s all of it. You mustn’t let it blight your life for evermore.’
His hold slackened. ‘You speak as though I were somehow permitting it.’
It might have been wiser to let it pass, but she knew she wasn’t going to. This had to be addressed. Too much depended on it.
‘Aren’t you?’
‘Even you cannot understand...’
‘Who should understand better than I? Or do you think that somehow you have a monopoly on shame and grief?’
‘I have never claimed to do so.’
‘Then stop wallowing in it.’
His gaze grew steely. ‘Is that what you think?’
‘It’s exactly what I think,’ she retorted. Then, as he opened his mouth to reply, ‘How would I know? Because I did the same so I recognise all the symptoms. You bury the hurt and never talk about it with anyone, hoping it’ll go away. But it never does. Instead it embeds itself more firmly and then festers like an infected wound.’
‘It was my way of dealing with it.’
‘Yet guilt consumes you still, even though it has no basis in anything but distorted imagination.’
His jaw tightened. ‘Elena, leave this.’
‘Pretend it isn’t happening?’ She shook her head. ‘It’s too late for that.’
‘What do you want me to do?’
‘I want you to forgive yourself and move on. You’re throwing away the future because you won’t let go of the past.’
‘That isn’t so. I want us to have a future.’
Elena’s dark gaze burned into his. ‘No, Harry, the woman you want is dead. She’s the one you cling to, and she’s the one who has your heart.’
‘What?’
‘You have made your feelings abundantly clear. I suppose I should just be grateful that you care anything for me at all.’
She turned on her heel and left him staring in thunderstruck silence at the open doorway. For a moment or two his mind was completely blank. Then the details of a former conversation returned with appalling clarity.
‘Elena, wait!’
He strode after her and caught up as she reached their chamber. She tried to evade him but he bundled her unceremoniously inside and shut the door behind them. Elena glared at him.
‘Leave me alone, Harry.’
‘Not until we sort this out.’
‘Can you pretend you don’t love Belén?’
‘When I spoke of those events I was describing my emotions then, not now.’
‘Emotions you still felt a few days ago.’
‘Not so,’ he replied. ‘I told you what my feelings were.’
‘Ah, yes. You care for me. You love her.’
‘If I had thought that you would so misconstrue the matter I’d have set the record straight.’
‘You had the chance to set the record straight, but you didn’t take it.’
‘Because I’m a damned fool. You were right when you said that I hide my feelings. It has become a habit with me and perhaps a defence too.’
‘A defence against what?’
‘Against the knowledge of what you made me feel.’
Elena regarded him in surprise but checked the urge to interrupt.
‘I tried to deny it at first,’ he went on, ‘but your honesty and your courage made me examine my own behaviour. It didn’t make for comfortable viewing.’ He paused. ‘When you declared your feelings so openly...well, I wasn’t expecting it even if they were the words I’d most wanted you to say.’
She swallowed hard. ‘Do you mean that?’
‘Yes, I do mean that. I love you, Elena.’
It was so welcome and so unexpected that it was hard to take in at first. ‘Then you don’t still...you’re not...’
‘No, I’m not. That chapter of my life is over. I want to move on—with you. You are my love now.’
‘I want to be, Harry.’