Fear of Falling(99)

Now, I feared it for an entirely different reason. There was one thing I knew for certain, but not knowing if I could ever truly accept it and reveal it in turn…terrified me.

I had never been good with words. Not the spoken kind, that is. Where Angel was bold and brash, and Blaine was sometimes overly expressive, I was closed and guarded. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell him how I felt, because I did. I just didn’t know how he would react. And then what? What would that mean for us? Would it change everything? Would he feel the same?

Dammit, Kam. Don’t start this shit. Not tonight. Tonight is special.

I refocused on the task of assembling individual rolls of meat and vegetables, and tried to block out the doubt screaming in my head. I wouldn’t listen to it. I couldn’t. I was already two seconds away from scrapping my plan and skipping town, but I owed it to Blaine to be honest with him. Hell, I owed it to myself.

“Score!” Dom boomed, as he entered our kitchen. He lifted the top of one of the pots simmering on the stove, allowing the scents of soy sauce, garlic and chicken to waft through the apartment. “Hell yes! I’m starved!”

“Hands off, this isn’t for you! You and Angel are going out for the night, remember?” I said, swatting him away.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dom replied, nabbing a Lumpia. “Send us off to eat crap while Blaine gets to savor all my favorite dishes. Yeah…that doesn’t seem unfair at all.”

“Awww, you’ll survive. Plus, I’m sure we’ll have plenty left over.”

Dom took a bite of the hot, crispy-fried goodness with closed eyes. A deep throaty groan erupted from his slightly greased lips.

“Fine,” he said around a mouthful of shredded cabbage and meat. “Make me a plate, and I’ll go quietly.”

“Deal,” I winked.

After a few more minutes of watching me nervously flit around the kitchen, Dom finally addressed the thing that had my stomach tied in knots. “So, tonight… you think you’re ready?”

I frowned, but didn’t look up from the rice noodles sizzling in the wok in front of me. “I don’t know what you mean,” I lied.

“Come on, Kam. You cooked for the man. And, you spend almost every single day together. I’ve never seen you this happy. This…free and unafraid. You opened up to him, and he’s still here, still completely into you.”

Dom walked over and stood at my side. I could almost feel the heat of his penetrating gaze boring into me though I refused to meet his eyes. “You love him, Kam, and I know for a fact that he’s in love with you too.”

Until that moment, I hadn’t audibly digested those words. Yeah, I had thought them before quickly pushing them away, but hearing it out loud… that was a different beast. I had planned to tell Blaine how I felt that night, but was I prepared to tell him that? Could I even do it?

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” When in doubt, deny, deny, deny.

“Sure, Kam. But you’re not fooling anyone. Just because you can’t say the words doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. What are you going to do when he tells you? Are you prepared for that?”

I shook my head. “Well…he won’t. You’re reading this all wrong. We’re just hanging out, just having fun. And if it ever came to that, I’d deal with it.”

“Ok, Kam, whatever you say.” He reached over and plucked a piece of chicken from the wok. “Just know that when he says it—and he will say it—that it’s ok if you want to say it back. It won’t make you weak or stupid. It won’t hurt you.”

He placed a kiss on my cheek and exited the kitchen, leaving me to ponder his words. My own skewed vision of love had kept me from accepting it. It was what made me break Kenneth’s heart when he told me how he felt. It was what caused me to push people away whenever they got too close. It was what left me to feel unwanted and alone for years.

Until now. Until Blaine.

I never wanted to go back to that. I never wanted to go without feeling Blaine’s arms wrapped around me as I fell asleep. I never wanted the warmth of his smile to abandon me. I never again wanted those stars on my windowsill to hold my thoughts hostage, not when I wanted to dream of only him. I had gotten just a taste of how good…this…could be, and I wanted more. I wanted it all.

I wanted love.

An hour later, Blaine was at my door, wearing his usual panty-melting smile. “Hey babe, something smells incredible,” he said greeting me with a kiss. Though we were the only two people in the vast condo, his presence filled the space with authority. Blaine engulfed every one of my senses, and I was only too happy to let him. I couldn’t even smell the food sitting on the dining room table, too intoxicated by the scent of mint, spice and pure seduction.