Fear of Falling(65)

I held her tight, stroking her hair as she cried hot tears into my chest. I wanted to kiss away each one of those tears. I wanted to tell her that she was safe, that she was ok. That she was loved. But my own trepidation kept me bound, crippling my voice.

When she couldn’t squeeze out another tear from her bloodshot eyes, she pulled away from me and covered her face. Was she angry with me? Did I do something to trigger whatever memory haunted her dreams?

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered hoarsely. “I’m so sorry, Blaine. I need to go.”

I grasped her wrist before she could scoot off the bed. “No, Kami. You’re not going anywhere.” She jumped, and I realized my voice was gruffer than I’d intended. I didn’t want to scare her. Not when she was already so obviously terrified.

“I want you to stay, baby.” Gently, I pulled her back to me though she refused to look at me. With a finger, I turned her face towards mine. Red-rimmed, green eyes full of shame and regret looked back at me, causing an ache to radiate in my chest.

“I… I…shouldn’t,” she stammered. “I ruined your evening. I didn’t mean-,”

My lips cut off her next words, refusing to let her place any of the blame on herself. I’d be damned if she felt bad for what happened. Not when I felt so fucking helpless because I couldn’t take away her pain.

“No,” I whispered against her lips. “You’ll stay. And you’ll let me hold you. And kiss you. And if you feel like telling me what’s wrong, you’ll let me make it better. But no more about leaving. Ok?”

She nodded weakly, but it was enough. Kami was agreeing to stay with me, and I wasn’t about to question it. I kissed her gently once more, the saltiness of her tears mingling with her sweet taste, before tearing myself from the bed.

“I’m going to make you some tea. Don’t move, ok?”

I damn near broke my neck racing to the kitchen. I didn’t want to leave her side, but she needed to be soothed. Tea seemed like the right thing to give her.

Despite her agony, I wanted her badly. So badly that my cock was aching against the fabric of my pajama pants. And if I didn’t leave her right then to get some clarity, I would be liable to take advantage of her frailty and bury myself inside her. Until her tears of sorrow turned to tears of sheer ecstasy. I felt like the dirtiest motherfucker alive, but I couldn’t help what she did to my body. My mind was a bit more tactful, but my dick was a first-rate asshole.

“Here, drink this,” I said, handing her the steaming mug after I had returned, erection under wraps.

“Thank you,” she replied with a tense smile. She took a sip and closed her eyes, letting the hot liquid wash away the residual terror.

“So… are you ok?” It was a dumbass question, but I didn’t know what else to say.

Kami took another sip before exhaling. She nodded. “For now.” She tried to give me a reassuring smile, but I wasn’t buying it.

“For now? What exactly does that mean?”

“It means that I may never be fully ok, but I’ll survive. I’ll be ok…for now.”

“Is there anything I can do to help? I need to know how to make this better for you, Kami. Just tell me what to do.” I didn’t even realize that my hand was in my hair, pulling in frustration. Trying to get her to open up was like trying to steal a steak from a pit bull. That shit just wasn’t happening.

“No, Blaine. There’s nothing you can do.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to scare her away, but I could see that she was miserable. I didn’t want her shouldering that misery alone. “Try me, Kami. You said you trusted me. Do you really think there’s anything you could tell me that would push me away from you? Because I’m telling you straight up right now—I’m not going anywhere.”

She met my penetrating stare, those green eyes filling with tears before she batted them away and turned her head. I felt like a fucking asshole.

“I’m…I’m fucked up, Blaine,” she whispered. If I hadn’t been hanging onto her every sigh and whimper, I would have missed it. “Like really fucked up. And if you knew what was good for you, you’d leave me alone.”

“I don’t believe that,” I replied, shaking my head. My hands cupped her face, turning it back towards me. I needed to look her in the eyes. I needed her to see just how serious I was. “I’m not going anywhere. I mean that.”

She pulled away from my touch and shook her head. “I’m telling you, I have problems. And you don’t need the headache. I’m not like your other girls, Blaine. I can’t be saved.”