Fear of Falling(18)

“What if I can’t get better?” I snapped, whirling around to face him. “This isn’t some illness I can just take medicine to get rid of, Dom. You of all people should know that. This. Is. Me. My situation isn’t fucked up. I’m fucked up. Completely, irrevocably, fucked up to my core.”

Dom was already on his feet and enveloping my frame with his. “Stop. Just stop it, Kam,” he whispered into my hair. “The real you isn’t fucked up. We just gotta dig deeper, babe. Just keep trying to push aside the bullshit and reveal the real you, ok? Your fears are not you. Do you hear me? They don’t define who you are.”

“But this is who I am,” I murmured, trying to stifle my sudden surge of emotion. “It’s been me for 23 years. I’m tired, Dom. So fucking tired.”

I forced myself to take a cleansing breath then tucked away the conversation and all its revelations. Compartmentalizing. It had been the only way I had survived the first six years of my life. And the only thing that kept me from wasting away in a padded cell after that.

Dominic squeezed me tighter, knowing that it was exactly what I needed. He was holding me together. Hanging on to all the complex pieces that had somehow created the illusion of a well-adjusted, twenty-three year old woman. But he knew the truth. He knew the pain that festered inside of me. He knew about the memories that haunted me every time I closed my eyes. Dominic was probably the only person on Earth that understood how wholly my demons had plagued my life, because he lived with similar demons. And he loved me anyway. Our pasts, our pains, had brought us together. They were the glue in our relationship.

To be completely honest, I felt like an asshole being so needy and pathetic compared to Dom. If anyone had an excuse to break, it was him. Dominic Trevino was both the strongest, and most tortured, person I knew. We met nearly five years ago though it felt like we had known each other our entire lives. Our past pains were our solidarity; our individual hells had bonded us for life.

The day Dom found me in the parking lot of our campus counselor’s office, I was a shivering, blubbering mess. I was hell-bent on making it on my own. I had run away from any and every thing I knew and traveled across the country in search of freedom from my past. I just didn’t expect for my journey to leave me more afraid and unstable than ever.

Dom was attending a group therapy session for abuse survivors. I was still trying to conjure up the courage to enter the building. He took one look at me and knew exactly what to do. Tentatively, he took my hand and led me inside. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t even ask me my name. He just sat with me as I listened. When it was Dom’s turn to share with the group, he passed, as did I. And when it was over, he led me back outside, his hand in mine. I don’t know why I let him touch me. That was something I hadn’t allowed anybody. But something about Dom put me at ease. As if we were kindred. I recognized something in his touch that was familiar.

He was damaged. Even more so than I was.

Dominic stroked my hair and squeezed me to him. Even after all these years, he was still holding me together. “I’m tired too, babe,” he murmured, as he kissed my forehead. “But we have to keep going. We can’t let them win. If we let them control us now after we’ve come so far, what else would we have left?”

I pulled away from his embrace, looking up into greenish-brown eyes shrouded in long, black lashes. “We’ll have each other. We’ll always have each other.”

He smiled down at me, yet failed to hide the turmoil he dealt with on a daily basis. It amazed me that he even got out of bed each morning, let alone maintained a somewhat healthy lifestyle. Dominic Trevino was undoubtedly more tormented than me, yet somehow he found a way to live through it. I envied him, I loved him, and I wanted him to have the happily-ever-after he deserved. That we all deserved.

“Come on, I want to take you out to dinner, so you can tell me all about your first day at work,” he said, brushing a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

I shrugged, but let him lead me out of my bedroom. “Nothing worth going to dinner over but, hey, a girl’s gotta eat. Hmmm, I’m feeling a celebratory lobster is in order,” I winked.

Dom snorted, his hand still in mine, before spinning around to face me. “Ok, I’ll make you a deal. You’ll get your lobster if you tell me what you wrote on that strip of paper. You know it’s good for you to talk about your fears, Kam. You have to tell someone. It’s been months since you’ve added one, and I need to know you’re ok.”

I was shaking my head before he had completed the last word of his proposal. “I can’t tell you that, Dom. Maybe one day, but not now.”