Fear of Falling(118)

“Well…let’s see it.”

Yup. Sucker. A 5-foot 6-inch sucker, complete with long, white stick and plastic wrapper. Probably cherry flavored.

Angel opened the oversized, designer handbag on her shoulder and revealed a glass Mason jar. Inside was a piece of paper. I took the jar in my hands and examined it with unwavering concentration.

“See,” Angel remarked, though I could hardly hear her voice over the sound of my pounding heart. “Weird, right? Who gives someone a jar? So…you gonna read the note?”

Was I? Should I?

“I don’t know,” I whispered. It was true. Being honest with myself and with others about my feelings was something I had been working on in therapy.

“Well, don’t wait too long to make up your mind. He’s leaving.”

My head jerked up so fast that I felt my mended skull rattle. “Leaving?”

“Yeah. He’s taking off. To like, Australia or something. Tonight is actually his going away party and A.D. is performing. I asked him if he wanted me to invite you…”

“And?”

“Sorry, Kam,” she replied with sympathetic eyes. She didn’t have to say anymore. Blaine was over me. He didn’t want me there.

I nodded, both in understanding and conclusion. I was done with this conversation, just like Blaine was done with me.

“Ok, well… I gotta run.” Angel climbed to her feet and kissed me on the forehead. I just sat there, still staring at that jar, unable to acknowledge much else.

Before Angel could make her way all the way out of the kitchen, she turned to face me. “Kam? Can you do me a favor?”

I forced my eyes to hers, though I really couldn’t see her. “Sure.”

“Whatever’s in that jar, promise me you won’t be afraid of it. It’s just a piece of paper. Nothing on it can take away everything you’ve achieved these past few months. It doesn’t change who you are.”

I sat in silence for a few beats before nodding. “I promise.”

I lied.

It was too late. I was already terrified.





Kami,

I’ve written this letter in my head a million times. Shit, I’ve scribbled it down more times than I feel comfortable even telling you about before balling it up & chucking it across the room. But the truth is, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to fully explain what I’m feeling right now. Confused? Yes. Upset? Hell yes. Hurt? More than you could ever know.

I know I’m a selfish bastard for feeling like that. After all you’ve been through, I know I have no right to be hurt. But I am. I can’t help that. It’s been nearly three weeks, and all I can think about is the look on your face when I last saw you. When I lost you. So please, hate me for that. Say I’m a self-centered prick and an asshole. But don’t say what we had wasn’t real. Don’t take that away from me. Because, Kam, to me it was everything.

Yeah, I get that it’s over. And I know it’s what needs to be done for you to heal. But, know that being without you is killing me. Fucking killing me every damn second of every damn day that I can’t see you. Or feel you in my arms. Or hear your sweet voice singing softly. Baby, I miss you so much and I feel bad for it. Like missing you won’t be conducive to your recovery. Like feeling this way will only make things worse. And that’s not what I want. Not at all.

So I’m telling you, Kami, I won’t miss you anymore. I won’t hurt for you. I won’t need you like I do. And I won’t love you. Loving you is what caused all this. It’s what ruined us. And I am so sorry for that. I hate myself for failing you. For not being enough to save you. But I won’t fail you again. If this is what you need—for me to never think of you again—then that is what I am going to do. I’ll forget you. I’ll stop loving you like I do. Because, dammit, I do. So much it fucking tears me apart.

I hope this is what you want. I know I didn’t get it right the first time, but I promise to try like hell to make it better.

Always (Never),

Blaine

P.S. The jar is for you. Maybe before a big storm rolls in, you’ll use it to catch fireflies (see, I did remember something, city mouse. But they’re still lightning bugs down here). And if you do, just remember, the storm doesn’t last forever. It can scare you; it can shake you to your core. But it never lasts. The rain subsides, the thunder dies, and the winds calm to a soft whisper. And that moment after the storm clouds pass, when all is silent and still, you find peace. Quiet, gentle peace.

That’s what I wish for you. Even if you couldn’t find it with me.



I read the letter a second time. Then a third. Each word jumped off the page and slapped me in the face. Each sentence stabbed me straight through my fractured heart.