"Yes," I nod. "Especially when you don't have much experience with....feeling."
“How is that possible? Surely you’ve opened up with boyfriends in the past,” he says incredulously.
“You’d think so, but no. There were a few but nothing serious.”
The reality that I’ve never had a serious relationship or whirlwind romance hits me and I have to swallow my forlorn thoughts before they consume me.
“So you’ve never been in love?” Dorian looks a bit sad for me, the exact reaction I was trying to avoid.
The question is a complicated one for me. I have been in love. With Jared. At least I think I was. But so much as changed since meeting Dorian and finding out that I am some Dark-Light crossbreed. Am I still in love with Jared?
“Let’s just say I was never in love with someone who was in love with me.” I try to tack on a bit of buoyancy at the end but I know Dorian sees right through me. Oh great, he surely thinks I’m pathetic now!
Before we can delve deeper into my lack of relationship experience, our waiter returns with a large bowl of clams and mussels in a tomato sauce and Shrimp Cocktail with possibly the largest shrimp I have ever seen.
Dorian looks at me sheepishly. “I didn’t know what you would want.” I smile and put a little of each on my plate.
The clams and mussels are amazing, though I prefer them in the white wine sauce like we had at the bistro. The shrimp is plump and juicy and I dip it generously in Remoulade sauce. Obviously my appetite has returned.
“So how about you? Any past great love affairs?” I ask after I’ve had my fill.
Dorian takes a lengthy sip of wine to mull over my question. “Great love affairs? No. I haven’t really had time. Just casual relationships here and there. No-frills, no strings attached arrangements that fit…both our needs.”
I bite the bullet, and swallow my pride with a laborious gulp. “So, I’m assuming that I would be considered one of those arrangements.” Geez, I don’t know how this evening took such a serious turn but I guess it’s best to get this conversation over with.
“Do you want to be?” Dorian asks smoothly. He refills each of our wine glasses then takes a sip of his own. I follow suit.
“I don’t know. Honestly, I thought that's exactly what I wanted. But like I said, something shifted the day I met you. Believe whatever you want, but it's true. I honestly have never met anyone like you. And I have a feeling that it was meant to happen...that we were destined to cross paths.
“You make me frustrated. Not with you, but with myself. When I’m not with you, I have all these questions, these doubts. But when we’re together, I feel oddly at ease. The doubt, the apprehension disappears. And I can’t even remember why they even inhabited my mind. Does that make sense?” The wine has obviously taken its effect and I can’t seem to shut up. I reach for my glass of water and down half of it.
I really hope he can decipher what I’m trying to say to him, though I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to convey. Before Dorian can respond to my jumbled rant, our server arrives with our entrees; New York Strip steaks, steamed broccolini, and loaded baked potatoes.
“Oh my God, Dorian, you’re going to make me fat!” I exclaim with wide eyes.
“I’m sure that’s the least of your worries. Besides, you only live once, right?” he says with a devilish grin. He’s right. Even if you can live forever.
The steak melts in my mouth like butter and is accompanied with some kind of peppercorn sauce. The combination is perfection and the meat is cooked just how I like it. It’s as if Dorian already knows me inside and out. No one has ever been so in tuned to my likes and dislikes, especially considering we hardly know each other.
“I hope you like everything. I wasn’t sure what you’d want. Would you rather have something else?” Dorian seems oddly tentative, and I can’t help but blame my previous rant for the awkwardness.
“Everything is great, Dorian.” I look at him with question in my eyes. “How about you?”
Dorian gently chews his bottom lip, contemplating my question. He knows I’m not asking him about his food. He looks up at me intensely through his long dark lashes, and I have a feeling he’s trying to distract me. A familiar tingle slowly crawls up my thighs, meeting my heated apex. His tactics are working and I instinctively squeeze my thighs together and shake my head. He will not divert me until he tells me how he feels.
“Seriously, Dorian. I told you how I felt, and as confusing as that may have been to understand, I need to know that we’re on the same page.” I’ve never felt so much like an annoying, nagging girl in my life. This conversation is just as tedious for me as it is for him but I need to know if I'm alone in this.