“And you haven’t seen Maggie since we’ve been together?” she asked hesitantly.
I shook my head. “That was the first time I’d seen her in weeks.”
“Sounds familiar.”
“It’s not the same. I don’t want Maggie. I want nothing to do with her. She doesn’t understand the first thing about me. She tried to offer me a beer, for fuck’s sake.”
Julia leaned toward me, as if the very thought of tempting a recovering alcoholic made her visibly nauseated. “She didn’t!”
“Well, she doesn’t know that I’m not drinking like I was before. She thought I was joking.”
“That’s shitty.”
“You get me.” I reached out and took her hand this time. “You help me. We work together. I’m not afraid to admit how I feel now. You have to believe that I wouldn’t let Maggie come between us a second time.”
I threaded our fingers together. She stared down at our clasped hands. Mine were so much bigger than her small, delicate hands. I was just relieved that she hadn’t pulled away.
“I don’t know how to explain this, Austin. I feel like a crazy person for getting so worked up, but I’m so worried about the future. I want a future with you. I want to believe that’s possible.”
“It is,” I insisted.
“And it’s not so much that Maggie is here. It’s a public place. She could show up anywhere, I suppose. It’s more the trend. My fear is that the past will repeat itself. Then, I’ll be the idiot for falling for it twice.” She stroked her thumb up my hand. “Seeing her brought all my old fears to the surface. I don’t want Maggie to be a backup plan.”
“She’s not.”
She took a deep breath and then expelled it. “I’m sorry I freaked out like that.”
“No need to apologize. If I saw you with Trevor, I’d probably blow a gasket, too.”
She wrinkled her nose. “You cannot be jealous of Trevor. He’s so…Trevor.”
“Insanely jealous.”
“No way.”
“The thought of putting my fist through his face did cross my mind every time I saw him.”
Her big brown eyes rounded. “I never would have guessed. You always acted like you didn’t care.”
“I pushed you away. I hurt you. I figured seeing you with someone like that was my punishment.”
“What about the times you came on to me?”
I shrugged unapologetically. “Usually, I was drunk enough to let my feelings show.”
“You have a funny way of showing that you like me.”
“I do.” I nodded my head back toward the house. I was glad that this conversation hadn’t completely dissolved. There was no fucking way I was going to lose her over Maggie again. Not when things had been going so well. “Want to head back in?”
She sighed. “Is she going to still be there?”
“I can get Jensen on it. He’s the fixer.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I should just go.”
“Jules…”
“It was a wake-up call. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust her motives. I think, if she feels threatened, she’ll do stupid shit. I’ve known other girls like her. I don’t want any part of it.”
I slipped my hand up to her cheek and memorized every inch of her beautiful face. “Then, I’ll leave with you.”
“Don’t you have family stuff?”
“Screw family stuff.”
“No, Austin,” she said with a resigned sigh as she disentangled herself from me. “I think I want to be alone.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Are we okay?”
“We’re fine,” she said, repeating the mantra I’d said every time she asked about my drinking.
I didn’t realize how hollow it sounded until that moment.
Eighteen
Julia
We weren’t fine.
Or at least…I wasn’t fine.
Maggie made my skin crawl. Seeing her stupid, flawless face made me go berserk. And, for the last two years, I’d believed that Austin had used me for sex while Maggie was out of town. If he couldn’t get it from his fuck buddy, why not make a new one when she was gone? Easy enough.
I’d been crushed.
It was the first time I had opened my heart since I left Ohio and all my baggage. For a long time, I’d never thought I’d be interested in letting someone else in. Then, Austin had happened. And then Maggie.
It hurt my head to think about what he had revealed to me in the alleyway. Why wouldn’t he have just broken up with me if he didn’t want to fall for me? Why had he let me believe that he and Maggie were together?