Vacant(17)

“No, tell me. I want to know. How many?”

And there lies the crux of my problem. I’m afraid to tell her, because if she knows, will she still trust me with her most precious gift?





~Together~


I take a deep breath, steadying myself for Emily’s backlash at my revelation.

“One.” It’s the truth. There’s only been one, but that one isn’t simple. I am not looking at her as I say this, so I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, hoping she doesn’t hate me for what I’m about to tell her next.

“There was this girl, in high school, she was known to...” I trail off, hoping Emily gets the idea, but she just sits and stares at me. She’s going to make me spell it out. “She was known as the go-to girl for sex. I was sixteen, angry and very curious.” She’s still watching me but begins to fidget. “She would do pretty much whatever, and I took advantage of that. It was emotionless and a means to an end. She let me take my frustrations out on her, Emily. No matter how angry, depressed, or lonely I was, she let me fill the void with her—in her.” Her face scrunches, and I can see she’s getting the idea. “It wasn’t about love, or even lust, really. It was about me taking. There was no giving.” I want to drive my point home with revealing the true debauchery in which I’d participated for two years, but I don’t want Emily thinking I want her to do the depraved and experimental acts I’d once divulged in. That was a different time and a different me, but there was still an insecurity, despite my experience, I couldn’t shake. “It was all about me, okay? I wasn't there to make her come.”

“So, were you like...” I can see her trying to put all the pieces together. “You said you were angry. Were you angry...with her?”

I pause because I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want to tell the truth either. “Yes.”

“Did you hurt her?”

I take a moment so I can say this right. Hurt can mean many things, but I think Emily means physically, so that’s the hurt I respond to. “No. I never hurt her. It really was just sex, nothing else. I never hit her or forced her. She was always willing.”

She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as she continues to play with the placemat. “Did you like it?”

It’s the question I’ve been waiting for. Emily wants to know if I want it to be like that with her. “When a boy has urges, there’s little that will stop him from getting to the end. It’s like how you fold clothes. How the shirt has to hang just right on the hanger, or the pants creased perfectly. You can’t stop until everything is just right and you’re satisfied.” I can’t believe I’m comparing sex to laundry. “But as a man, it’s not about how the clothes are folded or hung. It’s about the clothes being clean and smelling good. It’s about the process, not the end result.” Jesus Christ, this sounds stupid.

“With you, Emily, I want to feel everything. I want it to be about you and me, us. It’s not about the physical result at the end.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I trust you, Ethan.”

~

“No, to the left a little bit?” Emily can’t seem to find a comfortable position.

“Better?”

“Uh, just give me a sec—” She winces again and I know this is painful. She tries to hide it, but I know.

Yep, complete disaster. I never should’ve agreed to this. It’s uncomfortable for Emily, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to make it better.

“Do you want to try on top?” I’m grasping at straws. I want this to be a good experience for her.

~

“Are you okay?” I know she fought back tears when I finally did it. She told me to just do it and get it over with. Not my proudest moment. It’s not what any guy wants to hear: “Just get it over with.”

“Yeah.” Her confirmation is so small.

“Emily, I’m so sorry. I—” She interrupts me with her hand over my mouth.

“Please stop, Ethan. It won’t always be like this. My mom…” her pause indicates that bringing up her mother is still hard for her. “My mom told me about sex. She said it would hurt the first few times, but she also told me that if I was with the right person it would be okay. I’m with the right man. You are right for me, Ethan. No one, and I do mean no one, has ever taken better care of me than you have, and, I know that you wanted this to be perfect, and it was. Please don’t take that from me.” Emily pauses to kiss me before she finishes.

“My first time could have gone so many ways, but it didn’t. It was with someone that loves me, and who I love.”