Until Series(177)

He tilted his head towards his shoulder. “You can let go now.” His voice was slightly rough; I moved my hands quickly and turned my legs into the cab of the truck, placing my hands in my lap and noticing they were shaking.



Three months later

“I hate leaving you here. I hate I have to be without you,” Cash said quietly. We were lying in bed. Cash had just made love to me, and it was more beautiful than I ever thought it would be. He was so gentle with me. Well, I guess he was always gentle with me. It was something else—it was like in that moment, we were one, and not just in a sexual way. It was something different. I knew we loved each other—he told me he loved me all the time—but now feeling it, knowing he was my first, and that I had given him a piece of myself that I could never get back…it connected me to him in a way that made it even more perfect. I cuddled closer to him, his hand running lazily down my side to my hip. My hand pressed to his chest.

“I hate it too,” I told him, lifting my head, my chin going to his chest, and our eyes meeting. I searched his face, wondering what he’d think about me moving to Tennessee and going to college closer to him. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wouldn’t have moved in with him or anything crazy like that, but if I could be a thirty-minute drive instead of a three-hour drive, I would have loved that. I hated that I could only see him on the weekends. And I didn’t like that he had to travel so far to come see me. I was just about to say it when I realized that it would be stupid. It was too soon. I just gave him my virginity; we weren’t getting married or anything. Maybe if things kept on like they were, then I would see what he’d say about me moving closer. I came back to myself when his hands touched my face.

“What’s going on?” His fingers trailed from my temple to my bottom lip.

“Nothing, just thinking that my never didn’t really work out, did it?” I smiled and laughed, thinking about the fact that on our first date I’d told him that I would never ever sleep with him.

“No, but I will cherish what you gave me for the rest of my life,” he told me, making my tummy flip. The look in his eyes was so sincere that I held my breath. He leaned forward, his mouth opening over mine.



Cash

I pulled up in front of my house and shut off my car. I hopped out, opened the trunk, and pulled out my overnight bag. When I got inside, I tossed my bag into the laundry room, went into the kitchen, pulled a beer out of the fridge, and popped the tab, taking a deep drink. I pulled off my baseball cap, tossing it on the counter and ran my hand through my hair. I wanted to call Lilly and hear her voice again; we talked my whole drive home, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I looked around, seeing my space, wondering what she’d think of it. I wanted her here with me. I hated knowing I couldn’t see her whenever I wanted. I wanted to ask her to move closer, or just move in with me, but I knew it would be way too soon, so I held my tongue. I used to give Asher and Trevor a hard time about the way they acted when they both met their one…now I knew. I would die for Lilly; she was amazing, beautiful, and kind, and made me want to be a better person.

My phone rang from my pocket, bringing me out of my thoughts. I pulled it out, expecting it to be Lilly. The number was unknown. I answered, and just like that, with one phone call, my life changed.



Lilly

“I love you, but I can’t see you anymore.” The words played over and over in my head. I could feel his pain, but didn’t understand it. I felt like my own chest was cracking open. He told me he loved me. He told me I was the one. Oh, God, I was going to be sick. I ran into the bathroom, the contents of my lunch coming up. Once I finished, I flushed the toilet, resting my cheek on the bathroom floor, not caring that it was probably dirty. I didn’t care about anything; I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to feel anything. I shut my eyes, trying to forget the pain that was consuming me.

I opened my eyes, feeling disoriented. The room was completely dark, and when I sat up, I realized I had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. I turned on the light and stripped off my clothes. I turned on the shower and climbed in before the water had a chance to heat up; the cold water jolted my system. My movements were automatic; I couldn’t feel anything. I got out, wrapping a towel around myself before going to my room, climbing under the covers, and falling back to sleep.

Over the next few weeks, I had a routine: class, eat, and sleep. I didn’t do anything outside of my routine. I couldn’t watch TV, and I couldn’t spend too much time on campus—any time I saw a couple, I would break down into tears, making me feel like a bigger loser than I already felt like. I was exhausted and sick; no matter how much I slept or what I ate, nothing changed. That was when I decided to go to the doctor, and for the second time in a few weeks, my life was turned upside-down.