“You just ride the journey that is life out and see where it takes you?” I asked, quoting her.
A beautiful smile overtook her face. “Exactly, and the sooner we all get that, the sooner petty things take a back seat to what really matters. Family. Friends. The things nobody should live without. You don’t know what life has in store for you, sweetheart. Harry is a prime example that you have to live in the now, and stop dwellin’ in the past. People create their happiness, but they also create their destruction. Live the life you want.”
“You think people have that much control over their lives?” I quizzed.
My nanny lightly shook her head. “No, no one has control over their life span – that’s out of our hands. But we can get a rein on how we feel while we ride this journey out. You just have to want it enough, or else happiness will pass you by, your life right along with it.
“You have your family right behind you, willin’ to help you every step of the way. You don’t have to run anymore. You can stand still and face everythin’ head on, with us right along with you.”
You don’t have to run anymore. I repeated that particular sentence over and over in my mind.
I always knew that when I moved away, I was really running away, but I wasn’t strong enough to do anything else at the time. Staying wasn’t an option for me after life went to hell with Kale, and to hell in general. My heart ached every time I saw him, and I figured if he was out of sight, he would be out of mind.
Man, I silently sighed, how wrong I was.
Out of everything that was sour in my life, I hated my uncle being dead the most, but I couldn’t travel any further along the path of despair that I’d paved for myself. If I wanted to feel something other than numbness, and sometimes sadness, I had to take my nanny’s earlier advice and create my own happiness. I had to be there for myself. I had to take care of myself. I had to be my own rock, my own drive.
Being with Kale and having everything I’d always wanted gave me purpose, but I refused to allow him, or our new relationship, to be my only drive in life. I couldn’t become so dependent on other people; in the past it broke me when they went away.
I blinked and tore myself from my thoughts, and I found my nanny staring at me.
“You look like you’ve decided somethin’,” she mused.
I swallowed. “I did. I decided to create my own happiness.”
My nanny smiled brightly at me. “I knew you would.”
I released a shaky breath. “A few minutes in your presence, Yoda, and you have already turned my life around.”
“Turned your life around, you did,” she said, doing her best Yoda impression, making my lips curl upward. “I just gave you the little kick up the arse that you needed.”
I smiled. “I’ve always thought I wasn’t strong, but I’m beginning to see what Uncle Harry and you all see in me. In my own way, I’m a fighter.”
“Your uncle shared a lot about you with me. He told me about your therapist spell and other things you got up to in the city, and let me tell you, you are strong. You decided to take action when you had those thoughts. You got help. You decided to stop your partyin’ ways after you were attacked. You made a decision to help you cope with losin’ Lavender and Kale. And now you have made a decision to come home and face everythin’ head on. You’re the strongest person I have ever known, sweetheart.”
I let my nanny’s words sink in, and smiled when I understood she was echoing what Kale had said to me earlier. They were right. I was strong.
I. Was. Strong.
Without speaking, I looked to my aunt and uncle’s grave but looked back to my nanny when she touched my arm and said, “Your father is coming to pick me up. We’ll wait out in the car park for you. You take as much time as you need with your uncle. I imagine you have a few things to say to the sneaky fecker.”
I chuckled as I watched my nanny walk away, before I returned my attention to the earth before me. “You knew this would pan out the way it did, didn’t you, Uncle Harry?” I saw my uncle’s smiling face in my mind, and it caused me to chuckle. “I owe everything to you,” I said with a firm nod. “You changed my entire life, and I will forever be grateful to you.”
My lower lip trembled then. “I won’t lie; I’m hurt and angry with you for not telling me about your heart condition.” I swiped away a stray tear as it fell from my eye. “I would have come home sooner. I would have helped you. I would have been here for you.”
I sniffled. “I know that you had your reasons, and while I may not know them all or even understand them, I’m confident you felt it wasn’t the time for me to come back here yet. You were always the wise one in the family, and with you gone we’re all bound to make some pretty risky decisions, but I hope you’ll stay with us and help guide us in the right direction whenever we need a little nudge.”