“I’m worried about my mom, Ellie.” My voice cracked a little as I handed the pieces of paper to her. Five in all.
“What the hell are these?” she asked, reading them and then passing them over to Sasha and Brian.
“Part of the reason I stayed away from campus was because of these,” I confessed.
“How long have you been getting these?” Ellie demanded.
At Sasha and Brian’s questioning looks, I explained, “Clay’s dad knows Roger. I’m afraid that if Roger knew about the rumors he wouldn’t support my mom.”
Sasha carried the bottle of vodka over. “We’re going to need a lot of liquor to carry us through this shit.”
“I got one every time I returned from break, whether it was summer, fall, or Christmas, one of these would be on my windshield.”
“He was fucking terrorizing you. These are an Honor Code violation.” Ellie was enraged and shook the pieces of paper at me.
“Maybe they were, but what was the point? It wasn’t like I wanted to go back onto campus, hook up with the Central social scene. Do you think I liked what went on tonight?” I cried.
This sobered everyone up and Ellie said, “No, sorry, but why wouldn’t you share this with me?”
“Because it was too damn embarrassing. I am still so embarrassed,” I whimpered. Ellie drew me into her embrace, her tiny body trying to suck out the pain from mine. I felt the stroke of Sasha’s hand on my back and a warm cheek on the top of my head. Within the cocoon of love made by my friends, I allowed myself to release a little of the shame I’d carried for so long. I hadn’t even realized that I’d felt like I’d deserved it. Oh, I’d said all the right things, telling myself and Ellie and anyone else that it didn’t matter what anyone said about me. But deep down, guilt ate away at me. Guilt for drinking too much. Guilt for giving away my virginity like it was nothing more than a kiss. Guilt at allowing myself to be victimized. So much guilt that I avoided Central because the whole campus and all of its students had become the witnesses to my shame.
“You don’t have any reason to be ashamed,” Ellie whispered into my hair.
“I know that in my head, but it’s hard to convince my heart,” I confessed.
“AM, you are the strongest, most amazing chick I know,” Sasha said, adding, “I’d have folded like a house of cards.”
“I’m like my father, you know?” I said.
“My God, you’re not,” Ellie protested.
“I am. Roger hates conflict. He’d rather go on conducting a double life than face making a decision and dealing with the fallout. And I’m the shameful product of his own failings.” I realized then how deep my hurt ran. I’d pretended that I didn’t care what Roger thought of me and that the love of my wonderful mother was enough. But the two of them had taught me that hiding and secrecy was a normal way of life.
I just didn’t want to live like that anymore. I wasn’t sure why Bo ran away from me, but he was right. I needed to stand up for myself.
I sat up and wiped my eyes with the heels of my hands. Taking a deep breath and giving my friends a watery smile, I said, “I’m not going to play ostrich or victim anymore. I’m going to go on campus and, eventually, they’ll all be tired of talking about me and move on. When I made myself scarce, it became too enticing for them to make up stories. When they see me doing normal things, like studying in the library or eating in the cafeteria, it won’t be such a production. I mean, how much longer can that story be of interest?”
“We’re totally with you,” Sasha said. Brian nodded his own affirmation, and Ellie wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
“With you.”
All these months, I’d felt alone, but that was a misery of my own making. I had wonderful friends and, if I could fix it, a pretty amazing boyfriend.
Chapter Twenty-Two
BO
I COULDN’T CATCH MY BREATH. I ran like a five-year-old at his first Halloween, scared at the sight of a Scream mask. The look of shock in AM’s face was the only thing I could see whether my eyes were open or closed. I’d made her scared. After being so careful, I’d hit something in front of AM. I hadn’t hit her, but was this how it started with my dad?
The fear that had haunted me my whole life. The demon that chased me from Texas to Afghanistan. The very reason I hated thinking instead of doing was threatening to rise up and swallow me.
I ran, trying to leave it behind me. I ran, trying to outrace my past. I ran from AM’s fear, from my fear, from everything until I realized running wasn’t my answer.